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Two nights ago I came across an old sermon note/prayer journal. I was looking to see if we had an almost-empty journal on our bookshelf because I want to start recording what I'm praying for again, as well as writing little notes to Jason. For some reason, among all of the books on the shelf, this journal popped out at me.

I opened it up and immediately tears filled my eyes. This was my journal from the two months leading up to when I gave my life to Christ and the entire summer after.

When I found it, I was in the middle of making dinner. I really wasn't planning on a special Monday night, but as I sat down and started reading these entries, I knew I had to share them with my husband. We didn't know each other then, but it is evident throughout each entry that the Lord was miraculously preparing my heart for Jason.

I began rushing around. I lit candles on our little dining room table. I cleaned up the kitchen after I finished cooking. I set out cups, plates, and silverware (which is much different from the usual "grab as you go" approach we normally take to dinner). Instead of throwing on PJ pants and a sweatshirt (like normal), I stayed in my work clothes and left my shoes on so I'd look nice when Jason arrived home.

I listened for Jason's car outside as I read through each entry of my old journal. I cried...hard...as I remember the painful process of sanctification the Lord took me through that Spring/Summer. As I read over things I'd prayed for then, I prayed for them again. I marked the pages with sticky notes where I'd prayed for/about my future husband.

Source

Jason had to work late, but he finally arrived home. I think he knew that something was up because the apartment was dark except for the candles on the table. We didn't really talk much as I fixed our plates and sat down next to him. Then, I explained what I'd come across and I told him that after we finished eating, I wanted to open up my world pre-Jason to him.

I have to admit that I was a little nervous. Although I know how much Jason loves me and although I know how caring he is, I was nervous that this would turn into a simulated poetry reading - and I didn't want that. I wanted him to participate, to communicate, to appreciate, and to understand.

I showed Jason the sticky notes that stuck out from the pages that expressed prayers for him. He looked amazed. As I read the first date aloud, he grabbed his phone and looked at his calendar from that date. I've never been happier that he keeps past events on his calendar. As I continued to read, he asked me what was going on in my life that day...what I'd been up to that lead me to praying for this thing or that thing. What were my struggles? What was painful? What made me smile? All the while, he followed along in his calendar, letting me know specifically how my prayers were for him. It was exactly what I wanted out of this little exercise.

When I finished, he told me that he wished he had kept something like that. The last few entries were from the beginning of my junior year of college - the year that Jason and I met.

It is an incredible blessing to be able to look back on my life as a new believer - how thirsty I was for the Word and how vulnerable I was in my prayers. I was reminded how unafraid I was to pour out my heart into those pages, and I long for that vulnerability to return.

Since we've been married, I haven't shared much about life post-wedding on this blog - and I'm not going to bore you with that. But I will say, I am thankful for the Lord's sovereignty in allowing me to find that specific journal. I truly believe that God knew that Jason needed to understand my life before I met him in a way that he has not been able to before.

I don't have a really good point or hook to this story. All I have to tell you is that it is good to have people in my life that truly know me - the good, the bad, the celebrations, and the trials. Outside my family, I've never really had that before. I am thankful that God gave me a husband who is also my best friend and who can be that person for me.

I also know that it is good to remember. Sometimes it's really hard to think about the past. It's painful and it hurts. And sometimes it's difficult because the present is painful, and looking back at "good times" makes life seem all the worse. But the good, the bad, the celebrations, and the trials make up our testimony; they make up our life.

Don't be afraid to look back.

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