While we were in Daytona Beach last week, we had the awesome opportunity to catch up with one of Jason's really good friends from high school and his fiance. They're getting married in about six months and we met this at a cool little restaurant for dinner after our Disney adventure. We thought we'd grab some food, catch up a bit, and be on our way, but we actually ended up staying and talking for hours.
I was reminded during our visit about something that the Lord has been consistently teaching me over the past 66 days of marriage - transparency.
I'm not good at being transparent...in fact, I'm really bad at it. Growing up in the south (or maybe just in America), we ask "How are y'all doin'?" and respond, "Great", "Fine", or "Good". That's it. Those are the answers to choose from. If I had a nickle for every time Jason and/or I have been asked, "How is married life," we probably could pay cash for a starter home tomorrow.
Don't get me wrong, I love that people ask how things are going. But, if you're one of those people, from now on you may want to expect a little longer of an answer from me.
I'm learning that transparency and honesty are valuable things.
Marriage is work. Marriage is fun. Marriage is hard. Marriage is wonderful. Marriage is difficult. Marriage is beautiful. Marriage is crazy.
I recently listened to a sermon by Matt Chandler from The Village Church in Flower Mound, TX about Marriage and Oaths. Here are a couple of quotes from this sermon that resonated with me:
"So I want to point something out to you, and then I want to challenge you, whether you're single or married. We as Christians love and delight in God's unfailing, sacrificing, patient love for us. We love it.
Like we start talking about the idea that God delights in us despite us, that God gives and grants to us when we cannot give back to him what's due his name… We love it. It makes us sing, makes us lift our hands, makes us feel like a whole person, challenges us in the deep, deep parts of our souls to rejoice in him, and yet this reveals our wickedness. You take that idea and lay it upon other relationships, and it seems absurd.
The one thing we delight in as believers in Christ, when you lay it on other relationships, even well-meaning believers will think it's absurd. That it would be absurd for God to ask you to look at your spouse, to engage your spouse, to look at your church, to look at your home group like Christ looks at you, loves you. Are you going to be able to do that perfectly? I wouldn't even give you a quarter of a percent, but there would be the pursuit. So let me challenge you in a couple of ways.
If you're single…
1. How well are you doing at covenant keeping? Now the good news on your relationship with God is he's the one holding down the covenant. All right? But are you serious about your relationship with the Lord, or is it an outlier?
2. How serious are you about the covenant you've made to The Village [or your home church], if you're a member here? Are you serious about your home group, or is that, again, just one thing among many? Are you serious about the other believers you're doing life deeply with? That's covenant issue stuff.
Now my married couples. Some of you are in here and you're just in a dry spot, just in a rough patch. I've already said that happens in marriage. Nobody's marriage is always on a scale of 1-10, a 10+ on the romance, giddy, love thing. All right? So maybe you're in just a rough stretch. Maybe you're not connected.
Here's what I want to invite you to do. Say it out loud to your spouse, and then come and let us pray for you. Say it out loud, "I just don't feel connected. I just don't feel like we're synced up." If that surprises you, don't go, "Really? Well, I feel completely connected. What's wrong with you?" This doesn't need to turn into security getting involved today. So just say it, and come let us pray for you."
Then they showed this video:
Marriage Reconciliation from The Village Church on Vimeo.
This is the part that really got me - the transparency of this just astonished me:
“Just so you know, I could be on this video. First
few years of my marriage were just an absolute nightmare. In fact,
on multiple occasions I laid in bed, stared at my ceiling, and thought to
myself, "Is this my life? Is
this the
next 30-40 years of my life? Is this what it's going to be like?" I would
get in these arguments with God, "How can you expect me
and how you can you ask me to do these things over here and work this hard over here,
and then come home to this? Like this… I will not make it 30-40 years if this
is what you have for me," lying right next to another godly
Christian woman in our bed at night and just not imagining that I would make
it until the end. Listen, just so I don't paint this in a way it couldn't… You
don't think she was feeling the same thing?
So can you imagine all the things you might like
about me, Lauren might hate about me? Like my passion, my zeal,
my quick mouth, my argumentation… How do you think that plays out at home? Do
you think Lauren… "Man, I love how quick-witted you are. I just love how
you always have an answer." Right? "I love getting in
an argument with you, Matt. You're so good at listening, so good at…"
Right? I mean, I guarantee, she'd stand up here and say the same
thing, that she was lying in bed wondering if this was our life.”
I want to be a woman who is not afraid to tell the truth; who is not afraid of transparency in my life an in others' lives. I believe that all of us struggle. We all have wonderful, triumphant times, and we all have times that are hard, and hard work. I'm learning that marriage is the same way - and it's not wrong to admit it!
I feel like for newlyweds, or even people who are engaged and nearing their wedding, it's almost taboo to admit that it's hard or that you might argue.
But seriously, let's think about this...you're taking two sinful people and putting them together in a holy covenant - that is a recipe for conflict. At it's core, biblical marriage is the complete opposite of everything about our natural, sinful nature. But by God's grace, marriage is beautiful, wonderful, and fun. Transparency about that journey, in my opinion, in of the utmost importance.
Sorry for the long blog today.
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