On Marriage - Part Two

So how do we deal with this? How do we reconcile with our past? How do we reconcile with our significant other's past? And how to we walk forward in life/marriage/relationships knowing that we're bringing our past with us? What does this look like practically?

First, we have to realize that we all make mistakes, which makes us all in need of receiving forgiveness. To be able to move past our past, we have to accept forgiveness that is offered to us at the cross of Christ. Ephesians 1:6-8 says, "to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight". In other words, we have to forgive ourselves because Christ has forgiven us.

I'm totally not brave enough to do this - but sometimes I wish I had
"Removable Reminder Tats". Maybe that's a new business venture.
Source

Second, we must be honest about our past. I don't mean that we must spill our guts to anyone and everyone you know, but you must be honest with the person you're married to, or will be married to. I've heard of couples who follow the motto of "What's in the past is in the past" and they don't need to know anything about their spouse other than what happened from they day they met forward. That isn't logical. Our baggage does not end when we start something new. If you know that your husband's mom used to make him a specific cake for his birthday every year, would you just ignore that fact on his birthday because that was something from before you knew him? No! You'd call his mom, get the recipe, and whip up a delicious cake (and hopefully share with me)!  James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." I promise you that by knowing without any doubt that you're forgiven for you past by the person you love, you will enjoy so much freedom together through Christ's forgiveness. 

Third, we must love one another, and that includes loving each other's pasts. Let me be clear, this can be tough for many. This can even be hard for most. But it's necessary. You cannot love your husband/wife or future husband/wife the way the bible calls you to without loving them unconditionally - in spite of their past. 

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love,
love one another earnestly from a pure heart," 1 Peter 1:22
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Without being too candid, I'll use Jason and I as an example. Jason's family is much different than mine. He's an only child and he was raised by his mom and grandma for that majority of his childhood. When we started dating, I didn't think much about how different our families were. But as we grew closer to marriage, it scared me. I'm from a family where there is literally no divorce on either side. No one is an only child, in fact a lot of families within my family have four or more kids. There are just always tons of people around and I usually don't even notice it. Jason's home was quiet on holidays. He and his mom had their traditions, but they were so drastically different than mine. I've learned over the last year or so that loving Jason, including the family he comes from, helps me to love him well. When he needs a quiet night at home after a really busy day or week, it makes sense to me. When he's more withdrawn around my giant family, I totally get it. 

Now for my past. Obviously I can't speak for Jason, but I am almost 100% sure that he wasn't a fan of my "boy crazy" high school years. In fact, he probably still isn't. But I was honest with him about who I was before I came to have a relationship with Christ really early into our dating relationship. I didn't want to blindside him with that in case things worked out (thankfully, things worked out). Jason didn't really date much before me, so that was something that was hard for him to grasp. But I remember him telling me that he "would be different". Those were his exact words, and I remember him saying them to me as if he'd said them this morning. He made a decision to show me what it was like to be treated well; to be valued as a woman and a daughter of the Most High. He's always loved me in spite of my regrets things I'd do differently, and because of that, he's been able to love me well from the very start. Has that been easy? I doubt it. But by the grace of God, he has been drastically different.

Last, we must recognize that marriage doesn't change us. To me, this is the most important, but that's probably  because it hits so close to home. Since I've wanted to get married since about age six, I had it built up in my mind as this huge, life-altering event. Don't get me wrong - it is; I promise. But, it's not life-altering like I thought it would be. When Jason and I came back from our honeymoon, I was kind of in a state of bewilderment for about two weeks. I had always envisioned that I'd come back home, be carried across the threshold of our apartment, and I would instantly feel different. I thought I'd be wiser, more self-confident, and mature. Nope. I wasn't. I was still just Jessica. My name had changed, my martial status had changed, my living arrangements had changed, but I was still me. It was a bit of a let down. 

Let me pause here and hand out a piece unsolicited of advice - If you're engaged or single, don't make the same mistake I did when I got married. I'm pretty sure that I scared Jason half to death when I looked at him in the car after two weeks of marriage and said, "Do you feel different? Because I don't. I just don't feel the way I always thought I'd feel." Oops. Sorry for that one J.

Marriage doesn't change you. I lived for 8,539 days unmarried. At least 3/4 of those days were spent wishing to be married. What does that mean? It means that it's taken less than 222 days to realize that marriage doesn't change you and I wasted a lot of time wishing to be the "married version" of myself  because I put a lot of hope in the fact that "Married Jessica" would be a better version of Jessica. 

Don't make that mistake. I'm still flawed. I'm still sinful. My past still exists. My husband still has to love me in spite of my past. I still have to ask for forgiveness each day. I still have the same weird quirks. I'm still not confident in myself. I'm still significantly immature. I still make unwise decisions. I'm still just Jessica, saved by grace through faith. 

The only real, and best change is that I have someone who loves me in a way no one else does. A man to share life with. To make memories with. To laugh with. To cry to. To pray with. A man who seeks to love me well each hour of every day. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, if I got a do-over and had to go back to the years before I knew Jason and was married to him, I'd be more content in my waiting. I'd wait patiently and rely upon God's sovereign plan. 

So there you have it - that's my bit on marriage. Like I always say, God is teaching me new things daily, and it's a joy to be able to write them on this blog and share them with you. My hope and prayer as that the things that He's teaching me can resonate with at least one other person reading this. We're not called to walk through this life alone.