A Talking Marriage

I came across a new blog the other day (well, it's new to me). It's written by a girl who reminds me a lot of me, but she's a way better blogger. Someone on Pinterest had pinned a post in which she lists "26 Questions to Get a Marriage Talking". I thought I'd walk through a couple of those questions.

My disclaimer: As always, I write in hopes that maybe one person can identify with me, maybe gain some sort of new perspective, or just know that you're not alone. I always want to be an encouragement to you guys, and on the flip side of that, I love to hear encouragement from you too!

1. What things did you see in this person that made you want to marry him?
   First, I saw Jesus. Jason is kind, caring, loving, and sensitive. From the beginning he challenged me to grow in my relationship with Christ. He lovingly forced me to surround myself with biblical community and then seek ministry opportunities to pour out what God was growing in me. Beyond that, I saw a hard working man who was silly and allowed me to be myself around him and appreciated my quirks.
   
2. What were your goals for your marriage when you were engaged?
   Non-tangible: Always communicate with each other - even if that means over communicating. Love each other. Honor each other in front of others and also alone (sometimes it's easier to talk great about your spouse in front of others, but always honoring them when the spotlight is gone can be tough sometimes). Be closer tomorrow than we are today.
   Tangible: Travel. Buy a house. Live below our means. Love our jobs. Love our families. Adopt. Be prayerful parents. Have children who become believers in Christ. Send our children to college someday.
   
3. If you could press a button and change your marriage, how would it change?
   I wouldn't change a specific thing, but I would just change our understanding of each other. I think it's God's design for men and women to have a different perspective on things, but sometimes when we're making decisions or dealing with a conflict or point of tension, it would be nice if I could understand Jason and where his thought process is originating and visa-verse.
   
4. In what ways do you think God is honored in your marriage?
   I believe that Jason and I truly love each other well - or at least we try to. Obviously there are many many times that I put myself first, and I do not love, respect, and submit to my husband as well as I could, but it is my desire to. I believe the same goes for Jason. Obviously he isn't perfect, but I believe his true desire is to love me well, serve me sacrificially, and honor me as his wife in the most glorifying way. I do honestly believe that this bring glory to God and honors Him. We also want to adopt. Just as the picture of marriage is the most literal depiction of our relationship with God and His church, adoption is God's illustration of being welcomed into God's family upon accepting salvation, not based on any of our own merit.
   
5. Describe how you and your spouse arrive at decisions.
   95% of the time we are on the same page when it comes to making decisions. Most of the time, we don't really have to talk further than our initial thoughts because they are very similar. BUT, there have been a few times that one of us didn't know what decision to make or we just disagreed on what we should decide. As the wife, I try to follow Jason's lead. If I feel as if we are not making a good decision, I definitely put my thoughts in. Usually, if we are not in agreement for whatever reason, we will take time to pray about it, and really talk through things honestly and extensively. So far, after that process we come to the same conclusion. I think it helps that we really trust each other and trust that the other is seeking after God's will for our lives and for our marriage.
   
6. Describe how you as a couple resolve conflicts.
   We were told in pre-marital counseling to do this thing where I tell Jason what is bothering me or what I'm upset about and then he repeats back what he heard to make sure he's gaining the full amount of understanding that he can from what I'm saying. We do try this sometimes, but not always. Our conflicts are pretty few and far between, and they normally arise out of pure frustration that has nothing to do with the other person. Many times one or both of us is on edge after work. We are worried about something, so we're grumpy. Whatever the trigger, it's usually not the root of the issue. Usually, we just let that person experience the emotion (frustration, grumpiness, irritability, etc.) and then talk about what the root cause is. Sometimes it may have to do with something on of us did to the other, and I think that what is most helpful is that we both know that at the end of the day, we'd never intentionally try to hurt each other. Any hurt caused is accidental. The times we've had actual "fights" since we've been married, we've resolved the conflict by taking a step back, disengaging from the heightened emotions, and really talking through things honestly and efficiently. Those times aren't fun, but we always end up stronger and closer on the other side.
   
7. Why do you think you have struggled as a couple?
   Two main things.
   #1: We are from REALLY different families. I would almost go so far as to say polar opposites. Jason is an only child and was raised by his mom. I was raised by both of my parents, with siblings, and my mom was a stay-at-home mom. My family is all up in each others' business constantly - and not just my immediate family. I have 21 first cousins, and by the end of the year I'll have about 30 second cousins. My family is HUGE...and that's just my dad's side. Almost all of my dad's family lives within about 60 miles of each other. Jason and I are two of the few who don't live there. So when he comes home with me, there are just people everywhere and there's no such thing as a quite moment to yourself. Anyway, all of that to say, it's been a huge adjustment to get used to. Being from such different families can be hard, but we strive to really learn from each other. Navigating how we want The Morales Family to operate and look like has been the hardest part of marriage so far since we bring very little to the table that is similar in relation to our families. But one thing is for sure, and this is by far the most important thing, both of our families love us immensely, and we love them as well. Jason and I desire to build a family and a home that is founded on what God's Word instructs us to do. Beyond that, the rest is just small details.
   #2: Because of our difference in family backgrounds, I think that sometimes Jason thinks that I want more from him than I let on. Whether that's more money, a nicer house, better cars, more time with my family, more extravagant vacations, nicer clothes, whatever, I think he thinks that I want more. Because of that, he does this thing where he tries to hear the message behind the conversation. I may be saying that we should renew our lease for another year, but what I'm really saying is that he's letting me down by not buying me a million dollar home right now. That's extreme, but you see my point. In reality, I'm really just saying, let's renew our lease for a year because that's what's best for us, and that's all there is to it. There's no message behind the statement. But when Jason feels like there is (and let's be honest, I probably do something to make him feel like there is), then he gets defensive, and then I get mad because I feel like he's accusing me of something I didn't say or do. We've had to learn to really express what we REALLY mean and also ask a lot of questions. We've improved in this struggle an insane amount since we got married almost 8 months ago.
   
8. How do you communicate dissatisfaction with your spouse?
   When we first got married, I didn't really. If something happened or was said that I didn't agree with or like, I'd just bottle it up and then something would trigger it and I'd get really mad. I've learned that the best way to let Jason know if he upset me is to just say really calmly and nice, "When you did _______ today, it really hurt my feelings. I wish you would have done ____________ instead." Mostly, he feels really bad, but it also gives him an opportunity to explain if he wants to. I usually do this as we're going to bed so that we're both calm and relaxed. If something has bothered me for a while and I have a lot to say about it, I'll write it for Jason in a note. For me, I express myself the best through writing and it also allows me to step back and not be as emotional. If I write something out of emotion, I can go back and reword it or take it out completely before things get said that can't be taken back. Jason also does well with notes because he can look at it multiple times and really understand what I'm trying to communicate to him.
   
9. What do you think God is doing in your marriage right now?
   I believe that God is just growing us. I believe He's growing us closer to Him and closer to each other. We are taking this season of life to just work as hard as we can at our jobs, on our marriage, on saving money, on growing closer together, on growing in our individual relationships with God, and with our spiritual relationship with God as a couple. This is a sweet season of life where we are just getting our footing and navigating how our marriage should work and look. I'm thankful for this season because I know it won't last long - there's always a busy schedule lurking around the corner. So while we're here, I just want to learn all that I can and allow God to mold us into what He sees we should be.

I hope that this has been helpful. It's always difficult to be transparent on my blog because it requires a ton of vulnerability knowing anyone out there can just read this. My hope and prayer is that reading this will bless you as writing it has blessed me. To see the rest of the 26 questions, visit Rachel's blog here.

On Marriage - Part Two

So how do we deal with this? How do we reconcile with our past? How do we reconcile with our significant other's past? And how to we walk forward in life/marriage/relationships knowing that we're bringing our past with us? What does this look like practically?

First, we have to realize that we all make mistakes, which makes us all in need of receiving forgiveness. To be able to move past our past, we have to accept forgiveness that is offered to us at the cross of Christ. Ephesians 1:6-8 says, "to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight". In other words, we have to forgive ourselves because Christ has forgiven us.

I'm totally not brave enough to do this - but sometimes I wish I had
"Removable Reminder Tats". Maybe that's a new business venture.
Source

Second, we must be honest about our past. I don't mean that we must spill our guts to anyone and everyone you know, but you must be honest with the person you're married to, or will be married to. I've heard of couples who follow the motto of "What's in the past is in the past" and they don't need to know anything about their spouse other than what happened from they day they met forward. That isn't logical. Our baggage does not end when we start something new. If you know that your husband's mom used to make him a specific cake for his birthday every year, would you just ignore that fact on his birthday because that was something from before you knew him? No! You'd call his mom, get the recipe, and whip up a delicious cake (and hopefully share with me)!  James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." I promise you that by knowing without any doubt that you're forgiven for you past by the person you love, you will enjoy so much freedom together through Christ's forgiveness. 

Third, we must love one another, and that includes loving each other's pasts. Let me be clear, this can be tough for many. This can even be hard for most. But it's necessary. You cannot love your husband/wife or future husband/wife the way the bible calls you to without loving them unconditionally - in spite of their past. 

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love,
love one another earnestly from a pure heart," 1 Peter 1:22
Source

Without being too candid, I'll use Jason and I as an example. Jason's family is much different than mine. He's an only child and he was raised by his mom and grandma for that majority of his childhood. When we started dating, I didn't think much about how different our families were. But as we grew closer to marriage, it scared me. I'm from a family where there is literally no divorce on either side. No one is an only child, in fact a lot of families within my family have four or more kids. There are just always tons of people around and I usually don't even notice it. Jason's home was quiet on holidays. He and his mom had their traditions, but they were so drastically different than mine. I've learned over the last year or so that loving Jason, including the family he comes from, helps me to love him well. When he needs a quiet night at home after a really busy day or week, it makes sense to me. When he's more withdrawn around my giant family, I totally get it. 

Now for my past. Obviously I can't speak for Jason, but I am almost 100% sure that he wasn't a fan of my "boy crazy" high school years. In fact, he probably still isn't. But I was honest with him about who I was before I came to have a relationship with Christ really early into our dating relationship. I didn't want to blindside him with that in case things worked out (thankfully, things worked out). Jason didn't really date much before me, so that was something that was hard for him to grasp. But I remember him telling me that he "would be different". Those were his exact words, and I remember him saying them to me as if he'd said them this morning. He made a decision to show me what it was like to be treated well; to be valued as a woman and a daughter of the Most High. He's always loved me in spite of my regrets things I'd do differently, and because of that, he's been able to love me well from the very start. Has that been easy? I doubt it. But by the grace of God, he has been drastically different.

Last, we must recognize that marriage doesn't change us. To me, this is the most important, but that's probably  because it hits so close to home. Since I've wanted to get married since about age six, I had it built up in my mind as this huge, life-altering event. Don't get me wrong - it is; I promise. But, it's not life-altering like I thought it would be. When Jason and I came back from our honeymoon, I was kind of in a state of bewilderment for about two weeks. I had always envisioned that I'd come back home, be carried across the threshold of our apartment, and I would instantly feel different. I thought I'd be wiser, more self-confident, and mature. Nope. I wasn't. I was still just Jessica. My name had changed, my martial status had changed, my living arrangements had changed, but I was still me. It was a bit of a let down. 

Let me pause here and hand out a piece unsolicited of advice - If you're engaged or single, don't make the same mistake I did when I got married. I'm pretty sure that I scared Jason half to death when I looked at him in the car after two weeks of marriage and said, "Do you feel different? Because I don't. I just don't feel the way I always thought I'd feel." Oops. Sorry for that one J.

Marriage doesn't change you. I lived for 8,539 days unmarried. At least 3/4 of those days were spent wishing to be married. What does that mean? It means that it's taken less than 222 days to realize that marriage doesn't change you and I wasted a lot of time wishing to be the "married version" of myself  because I put a lot of hope in the fact that "Married Jessica" would be a better version of Jessica. 

Don't make that mistake. I'm still flawed. I'm still sinful. My past still exists. My husband still has to love me in spite of my past. I still have to ask for forgiveness each day. I still have the same weird quirks. I'm still not confident in myself. I'm still significantly immature. I still make unwise decisions. I'm still just Jessica, saved by grace through faith. 

The only real, and best change is that I have someone who loves me in a way no one else does. A man to share life with. To make memories with. To laugh with. To cry to. To pray with. A man who seeks to love me well each hour of every day. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, if I got a do-over and had to go back to the years before I knew Jason and was married to him, I'd be more content in my waiting. I'd wait patiently and rely upon God's sovereign plan. 

So there you have it - that's my bit on marriage. Like I always say, God is teaching me new things daily, and it's a joy to be able to write them on this blog and share them with you. My hope and prayer as that the things that He's teaching me can resonate with at least one other person reading this. We're not called to walk through this life alone.  

 

On Marriage - Part One

Hey guys, I'm back. Thanks for being patient with me. Here's Part One of a two part series about some of my experiences and observations about marriage. If you're single, dating, or engaged, keep reading. This is for you too!

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I've wanted to be married since before I understood what marriage was. At first I thought it was just something you called really loving another human being. When I was six, I told both of my sisters I wanted to marry them. Obviously, that's a problem - but as a young child I just knew I wanted to be married, receive an inconceivable amount of love, and pour out love in the same way.

As I got older, I watched movies that ended in a wedding and a "happily ever after". We can blame Disney and fairytale stories, but I things that those things are good for kids. At the core, I wanted my happily ever after and yearned for it like nothing else.

Me. Dressed up like Cinderella. Age 4.

When I was in middle school, I had a "boyfriend" who was really just basically my best friend. We went to movies together and hung out on the weekends and I always had someone to be partners with at school. But to me, having a boy in my life whom I cared about greatly meant marriage in my book (sorry if that person is reading this and feeling totally awkward right now). But again, at 11, 12, and 13-years-old, I just wanted to love and be loved. I wanted my happily ever after.

Moving into high school, I handled the whole dating thing all wrong (again, sorry to anyone who may read this and was a part of that season of life). I always "liked" a boy and was constantly trying to catch their attention. In the second half of high school, I had a steady boyfriend, and I calmed down a bit. But my goal was marriage, just like it always had been. I wanted my happily ever after.

Upon moving to Birmingham and starting college, I still had the same boyfriend. We were long distance for about two years, and then we ended things. It was at this point in my life that I took a good, long, hard look at my life, my priorities, and just the things that I valued. During the breakup of a relationship that spanned two seasons of life and over three years, the hardest thing to let go of was the idea of marriage being my next step.

When I set out on this journey of self-examination, I realized that I was living to be married. Almost 20 years of my life had been spent working toward one thing - marriage. I was ready to see the result of this goal, even if it meant being with the wrong person for way too long. I wanted my happily ever after more than I wanted genuine happiness or true joy.

At some point along the way, I realized that the desire to be married was not a bad thing in and of itself - in fact, I sincerely believe that it was a God-given desire. But like any good thing, my sinful flesh had twisted and manipulated this desire into an idol.

After my breakup, a lot of people told me that as soon as I stopped looking for the right guy, he'd show up. Maybe that was good advice in one regard because I was so intent on meeting my future husband and getting married as I simultaneously walked across the stage to receive my diploma. But in other ways, it was detrimental to my mental health.

I still had a desire to get married. I still "liked" a guy, or multiple guys, always (hey, I'm just being real with you...I'm not proud of this). I still would walk in a room full of college students or recent grads at a church event or party and think to myself, "Maybe I'll meet 'him' tonight."

So you see, it was close to impossible for me to stop "looking" because I did have this desire planted, in fact rooted, deep within my being.

Eventually, I did go to an event at Samford, and I ended up sitting next to this really funny, super cute guy named Jason. We had some mutual friends and we'd met a few times before, but we'd never really had a full conversation.

We're married now (thanks Red Horse). And thankfully by now we've had a full conversation.

There is something that I didn't realize until recently though. I want to share that something with you because I think it's vital for every person to see - male, female, married, single, dating, engaged, whatever.

That thing is this: Our journey to accomplishing our goals, achieving our dreams, and pursuing out hopes writes the story of our life. For many of us, that's a beautiful story of grace, redemption, joy, and restoration. But along with this, we pick up some baggage along the way. And that baggage follows us all the way down the aisle, it stands next to us as we say our vows, and it jumps in our luggage as we leave for our honeymoon.

Marriage doesn't make our past disappear.

So how do we deal with this? How do we reconcile with our past? How do we reconcile with our significant other's past? And how to we walk forward in life/marriage/relationships knowing that we're bringing our past with us? What does this look like practically?

I'm glad you asked...but, you'll have to wait until tomorrow for Part Two.

A Month in the Making

I'm not really sure what the title of this post means, but it seemed appropriate. Sometimes the title just rolls from my mind, through my fingers, and onto the keyboard without making much sense.

Jason and I have been married for 4 months, 6 days, and about 45 minutes.We've experienced a lot of craziness in that amount of time. Just to give a brief overview, this is how our lives have looked over the past few months:

We thought we may be moving to a different city. We thought we might be moving to a different home in Birmingham. We thought we'd stay where we are. We really thought we might be moving to a different city. We decided to stay where we are. While we were figuring out where we were going to live, Jason changed jobs within the same company he already worked for, so now he works a full-time job and a more than part-time job as well (rather than two over-part-time jobs). We've been to six cities in four different states, not including our honeymoon. We've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a New Year, all in different places.

It's been crazy. 

Thanksgiving in Daytona Beach, FL (Jason's hometown)

A fun little trip to Disney World in Orlando

Christmas in Destin, FL with my family

Bringing in 2013 from our couch

We spent New Year's Day in Atlanta visiting the Coke Factory

We took a little weekend getaway to Nashville earlier in January

In the midst of all of the craziness, we've also been learning A LOT. We've been learning how to live together, how to like each other since we now live together :), how to show love to each other (even when it's hard), what our roles in marriage look like Biblically and what that means practically, how our roles within our families have changed, and how to just live life day-to-day as a married couple.

I'll be honest, it hasn't been all easy. In fact, the first three months were rough at times...not rough ALL the time, but at certain times. We've had handfuls of people tell us that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Jason asks me about once every two weeks why people say that to us so often, and my only real answer for him is because it must be true.

I will say this though...through the ups and downs, the arguments and sweet moments, the traveling and the nights at home, the craziness and the simple silences, I've learned to see God's grace so much clearer than I could before.

Since I've been a believer, I've prayed that someday my future husband (I didn't know Jason then) and I would quickly grow to be united mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since we got married, I have gotten so frustrated because I just didn't see that happened at the beginning of our marriage and I didn't understand why God didn't want that for us.

But then, almost like it was overnight, things started to change. I honestly don't think that Jason or I have done anything to change, but God definitely opened our eyes and changed our hearts. Over the last month or so, I've began to see God's grace all over the place, or at least that's how it feels. Jason and I regularly pray that God would do something in us/in our marriage that is so insane and radical that it's evident that only He could accomplish it, and I truly believe that has happened...or is beginning to happen.

I know I've got a long way to go, and I pray that by the grace of God I'm given many many  more years to grow, but I believe that God has allowed certain opportunities and circumstances to come into our lives that have taught me about my role as a wife and how that affects every other facet of my life (my job, my family, my home, my friendships, etc.). The biggest thing that God has begun teaching me though, is that my identity and my role in this world doesn't start externally with my  marriage, it starts internally with my relationship with Him.

I guess the title to this post does make sense when I consider the past month or so. These last few weeks have been so sweet, not only as a newlywed, but as a believer. I hope that it's the foundation and the making of a life in which I am ever-growing in Him.

I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome

A Blog Makeover and Health & Fitness Update

Lots of changes going on 'round here. 

Notice the new color scheme, the new name, and the all new look to my blog.

I'm a person who likes consistency. I'm learning lately that Jessica Morales is kind of a popular name, at least as far as social media is concerned. I have not been able to secure an email address, Twitter handle, Facebook url, or even Blogspot name with Jessica Morales (or Jessica S. Morales, or any sort of similar variation).

But nonetheless, I'm back. And I'm rambling. Even though I've changed the name of the blog to Mrs. Blogbacktome, I probably should have gone a step further and called it, "Mrs. Blogbacktome: The Rambler". Too long. Too wordy. Oh well. Maybe married Jessica is less of a rambler. I guess we'll find out soon.

Jason's Twitter handle and blog page is called "blogbacktome", so I decided to use (not steal, use) his idea for a sort of spinoff because, well, my husband is clever.

Now, onto my health and fitness update:

So, Weight Watchers doesn't work for me. And I'm learning that unless I completely cut out all sorts of carbs (fruit and whole grains included), I cannot find my way back down into my former jeans. To be honest, that realization stinks. But, I am going back to the doctor next month, and I'm not going to leave until we're able to tackle some sort of solution. Until then, I'm tracking everything I eat using myfitnesspal.com. I still have the paperwork that my doctor gave me back in the Spring about how much of everything I should be eating each day, and I've put that into the online food tracker. If nothing else, I figure that I can show the doctor what I'm eating at what time of day and maybe we can go from there (to see more about the plan the doctor gave me to follow, read this old post).

Our cruise did absolutely nothing positive for my eating habits. I was ready to get back in the swing of things last week, and then I ended up living off of soup and popsicles because I received the lovely gift of a sinus infection. So this week I came out of the gate strong.

Jason had to work late last night, and I was meeting some girls for froyo after he got off work, so we ate separately. I love cooking for Jason, but he's quite picky so I was sure to take advantage of being able to cook whatever I wanted/needed last night. I defrosted some frozen tilapia fillets the night before, so I threw those onto a skillet with some of Emril's fish rub and Parmesan cheese. After sauteing those babies up, I threw them on a bed of romaine lettuce with feta cheese and balsamic vinegar. It hit the spot and didn't fill me up quite all the way. Honestly, it was perfect because I didn't feel guilty about my froyo run with the ladies later.

Right now I've got a pot roast in the crock pot with potatoes and carrots. I really do love cooking in the fall.

Looks like that about wraps up my makeover and update post.

I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome.

AANNNNDDDD....We're Back!

The wedding is over. We've returned from our honeymoon. Now we're just your normal, run-of-the-mill married couple.

Our honeymoon was wonderful and it was exactly what we needed after all of the planning and craziness that comes along with a wedding. We took a 7-day cruise to Jamaica, Grand Cayman, and Mexico. We were at sea for the first two days, which was an added bonus. We spent hours just laying out by the pools, relaxing around the ship, and sampling new foods. We did an excursion each day we were in a new place. We loved exploring and experiencing these new places together.

Laying out by the pool

Montego Bay, Jamaica

7 Mile Beach in Grand Cayman

Cozumel, Mexico

This week has been quite an adjustment. I keep telling people that I got really used to being married on the cruise, but being married in "real life" is much different. I love it though!

I am so incredibly thankful for all of our friends and family who were apart of our wedding day. It was so good to see everyone. We were so blessed by the presence of people who came from near and far.


I'm going to keep my rambling to a minimum for today, but stay tuned for more on our wedding, honeymoon, and our little married life together.