On Marriage - Part Two

So how do we deal with this? How do we reconcile with our past? How do we reconcile with our significant other's past? And how to we walk forward in life/marriage/relationships knowing that we're bringing our past with us? What does this look like practically?

First, we have to realize that we all make mistakes, which makes us all in need of receiving forgiveness. To be able to move past our past, we have to accept forgiveness that is offered to us at the cross of Christ. Ephesians 1:6-8 says, "to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight". In other words, we have to forgive ourselves because Christ has forgiven us.

I'm totally not brave enough to do this - but sometimes I wish I had
"Removable Reminder Tats". Maybe that's a new business venture.
Source

Second, we must be honest about our past. I don't mean that we must spill our guts to anyone and everyone you know, but you must be honest with the person you're married to, or will be married to. I've heard of couples who follow the motto of "What's in the past is in the past" and they don't need to know anything about their spouse other than what happened from they day they met forward. That isn't logical. Our baggage does not end when we start something new. If you know that your husband's mom used to make him a specific cake for his birthday every year, would you just ignore that fact on his birthday because that was something from before you knew him? No! You'd call his mom, get the recipe, and whip up a delicious cake (and hopefully share with me)!  James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." I promise you that by knowing without any doubt that you're forgiven for you past by the person you love, you will enjoy so much freedom together through Christ's forgiveness. 

Third, we must love one another, and that includes loving each other's pasts. Let me be clear, this can be tough for many. This can even be hard for most. But it's necessary. You cannot love your husband/wife or future husband/wife the way the bible calls you to without loving them unconditionally - in spite of their past. 

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love,
love one another earnestly from a pure heart," 1 Peter 1:22
Source

Without being too candid, I'll use Jason and I as an example. Jason's family is much different than mine. He's an only child and he was raised by his mom and grandma for that majority of his childhood. When we started dating, I didn't think much about how different our families were. But as we grew closer to marriage, it scared me. I'm from a family where there is literally no divorce on either side. No one is an only child, in fact a lot of families within my family have four or more kids. There are just always tons of people around and I usually don't even notice it. Jason's home was quiet on holidays. He and his mom had their traditions, but they were so drastically different than mine. I've learned over the last year or so that loving Jason, including the family he comes from, helps me to love him well. When he needs a quiet night at home after a really busy day or week, it makes sense to me. When he's more withdrawn around my giant family, I totally get it. 

Now for my past. Obviously I can't speak for Jason, but I am almost 100% sure that he wasn't a fan of my "boy crazy" high school years. In fact, he probably still isn't. But I was honest with him about who I was before I came to have a relationship with Christ really early into our dating relationship. I didn't want to blindside him with that in case things worked out (thankfully, things worked out). Jason didn't really date much before me, so that was something that was hard for him to grasp. But I remember him telling me that he "would be different". Those were his exact words, and I remember him saying them to me as if he'd said them this morning. He made a decision to show me what it was like to be treated well; to be valued as a woman and a daughter of the Most High. He's always loved me in spite of my regrets things I'd do differently, and because of that, he's been able to love me well from the very start. Has that been easy? I doubt it. But by the grace of God, he has been drastically different.

Last, we must recognize that marriage doesn't change us. To me, this is the most important, but that's probably  because it hits so close to home. Since I've wanted to get married since about age six, I had it built up in my mind as this huge, life-altering event. Don't get me wrong - it is; I promise. But, it's not life-altering like I thought it would be. When Jason and I came back from our honeymoon, I was kind of in a state of bewilderment for about two weeks. I had always envisioned that I'd come back home, be carried across the threshold of our apartment, and I would instantly feel different. I thought I'd be wiser, more self-confident, and mature. Nope. I wasn't. I was still just Jessica. My name had changed, my martial status had changed, my living arrangements had changed, but I was still me. It was a bit of a let down. 

Let me pause here and hand out a piece unsolicited of advice - If you're engaged or single, don't make the same mistake I did when I got married. I'm pretty sure that I scared Jason half to death when I looked at him in the car after two weeks of marriage and said, "Do you feel different? Because I don't. I just don't feel the way I always thought I'd feel." Oops. Sorry for that one J.

Marriage doesn't change you. I lived for 8,539 days unmarried. At least 3/4 of those days were spent wishing to be married. What does that mean? It means that it's taken less than 222 days to realize that marriage doesn't change you and I wasted a lot of time wishing to be the "married version" of myself  because I put a lot of hope in the fact that "Married Jessica" would be a better version of Jessica. 

Don't make that mistake. I'm still flawed. I'm still sinful. My past still exists. My husband still has to love me in spite of my past. I still have to ask for forgiveness each day. I still have the same weird quirks. I'm still not confident in myself. I'm still significantly immature. I still make unwise decisions. I'm still just Jessica, saved by grace through faith. 

The only real, and best change is that I have someone who loves me in a way no one else does. A man to share life with. To make memories with. To laugh with. To cry to. To pray with. A man who seeks to love me well each hour of every day. I wouldn't trade it for the world. But, if I got a do-over and had to go back to the years before I knew Jason and was married to him, I'd be more content in my waiting. I'd wait patiently and rely upon God's sovereign plan. 

So there you have it - that's my bit on marriage. Like I always say, God is teaching me new things daily, and it's a joy to be able to write them on this blog and share them with you. My hope and prayer as that the things that He's teaching me can resonate with at least one other person reading this. We're not called to walk through this life alone.  

 

On Marriage - Part One

Hey guys, I'm back. Thanks for being patient with me. Here's Part One of a two part series about some of my experiences and observations about marriage. If you're single, dating, or engaged, keep reading. This is for you too!

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I've wanted to be married since before I understood what marriage was. At first I thought it was just something you called really loving another human being. When I was six, I told both of my sisters I wanted to marry them. Obviously, that's a problem - but as a young child I just knew I wanted to be married, receive an inconceivable amount of love, and pour out love in the same way.

As I got older, I watched movies that ended in a wedding and a "happily ever after". We can blame Disney and fairytale stories, but I things that those things are good for kids. At the core, I wanted my happily ever after and yearned for it like nothing else.

Me. Dressed up like Cinderella. Age 4.

When I was in middle school, I had a "boyfriend" who was really just basically my best friend. We went to movies together and hung out on the weekends and I always had someone to be partners with at school. But to me, having a boy in my life whom I cared about greatly meant marriage in my book (sorry if that person is reading this and feeling totally awkward right now). But again, at 11, 12, and 13-years-old, I just wanted to love and be loved. I wanted my happily ever after.

Moving into high school, I handled the whole dating thing all wrong (again, sorry to anyone who may read this and was a part of that season of life). I always "liked" a boy and was constantly trying to catch their attention. In the second half of high school, I had a steady boyfriend, and I calmed down a bit. But my goal was marriage, just like it always had been. I wanted my happily ever after.

Upon moving to Birmingham and starting college, I still had the same boyfriend. We were long distance for about two years, and then we ended things. It was at this point in my life that I took a good, long, hard look at my life, my priorities, and just the things that I valued. During the breakup of a relationship that spanned two seasons of life and over three years, the hardest thing to let go of was the idea of marriage being my next step.

When I set out on this journey of self-examination, I realized that I was living to be married. Almost 20 years of my life had been spent working toward one thing - marriage. I was ready to see the result of this goal, even if it meant being with the wrong person for way too long. I wanted my happily ever after more than I wanted genuine happiness or true joy.

At some point along the way, I realized that the desire to be married was not a bad thing in and of itself - in fact, I sincerely believe that it was a God-given desire. But like any good thing, my sinful flesh had twisted and manipulated this desire into an idol.

After my breakup, a lot of people told me that as soon as I stopped looking for the right guy, he'd show up. Maybe that was good advice in one regard because I was so intent on meeting my future husband and getting married as I simultaneously walked across the stage to receive my diploma. But in other ways, it was detrimental to my mental health.

I still had a desire to get married. I still "liked" a guy, or multiple guys, always (hey, I'm just being real with you...I'm not proud of this). I still would walk in a room full of college students or recent grads at a church event or party and think to myself, "Maybe I'll meet 'him' tonight."

So you see, it was close to impossible for me to stop "looking" because I did have this desire planted, in fact rooted, deep within my being.

Eventually, I did go to an event at Samford, and I ended up sitting next to this really funny, super cute guy named Jason. We had some mutual friends and we'd met a few times before, but we'd never really had a full conversation.

We're married now (thanks Red Horse). And thankfully by now we've had a full conversation.

There is something that I didn't realize until recently though. I want to share that something with you because I think it's vital for every person to see - male, female, married, single, dating, engaged, whatever.

That thing is this: Our journey to accomplishing our goals, achieving our dreams, and pursuing out hopes writes the story of our life. For many of us, that's a beautiful story of grace, redemption, joy, and restoration. But along with this, we pick up some baggage along the way. And that baggage follows us all the way down the aisle, it stands next to us as we say our vows, and it jumps in our luggage as we leave for our honeymoon.

Marriage doesn't make our past disappear.

So how do we deal with this? How do we reconcile with our past? How do we reconcile with our significant other's past? And how to we walk forward in life/marriage/relationships knowing that we're bringing our past with us? What does this look like practically?

I'm glad you asked...but, you'll have to wait until tomorrow for Part Two.

One Month Countdown: Our Story

So, in celebration of our one month until the wedding mark, I'm going to share our story with all of you (all of you who probably already know it, or watched it all happen...but oh well)!

Once upon a time, a girl told a friend that she'd go see his documentary screening at Samford -

- actually, let's back up a couple of years...

Once upon a time a girl went to freshman orientation at Samford University in the summer of 2007. All of the new kids got to stay overnight in the dorms and the orientation leaders put together a fun night for everyone. Part of this fun night was a DJ and karaoke. There happen to be a guy who was going into his senior year at Samford and he was in charge of the sound and music. The girl saw him at the beginning of the night, but as the night went on, she felt like she was seeing him more and more...and he got more and more silly. At one point he came right up to her and starting dancing like a crazy person. She thought to herself, "What a weird dude...fun...but strange." The next day she told her parents that the DJ guy was really odd, and that he danced by her for part of the evening (She didn't realize he was a student, so that made it seem kind of odd. But let's be honest - she told her parents because she was kind of flattered). Five and a half years later, the sound guy and the flattered girl are getting married!

...now we're getting ahead of ourselves, let's go back to the documentary screening -

So this girl, we'll call her Jessica, went to see a documentary screening for her friend. She was running late (kind of on purpose because she wasn't sure if she'd know anyone else there), and as she was walking across the quad, she saw a guy that she knew was mutual friend go into the screening room, we'll call him Jason. Jessica decided that she'd just slip in the back. When she entered the room, she saw that Jason had done the same thing. Boldly, she asked if she could sit with him. He said, "Sure, but can you sit over here {he motioned to the other side of him}? I have a friend meeting me." Jessica was sure it was a girl, maybe even a girlfriend, and this was about to get super awkward. Sure enough, it wasn't a girl...it was Jason's friend, we'll call him Kyle.

This was the documentary that started it all!

After the screening, Jason and Jessica talked for a little while. It was the first week of May 2010, and finals were fast approaching for those who were still in college {SIDENOTE: This whole time, Jessica thought Jason was a senior - but really he just worked at Samford doing freelance jobs and that's why she saw him there sometimes. She almost asked him if he was excited about graduation, but thankfully she didn't - that would have been embarrassing.} That night, a local church was hosting its annual Pancake Study Break, and Jason asked Jessica if she was going. She said, "Yes, it's actually my hall activity for this month," (she was an RA) and Jason said he'd see her there.

They saw each other at the study break, but just waved from a distance. Jessica's 21st birthday was later that week and her friend who had the screening, we'll call him Taylor, said that he was coming to her birthday dinner and was going to bring Jason. When she found this out, Jessica's stomach did a little somersault, but she didn't know why. As it turns out, Jason didn't make it to the birthday dinner - he decided to play basketball with some friends instead (it's okay he redeems himself later on in the story).

Jessica's 21st Birthday Dinner

After Jessica's birthday, she "friend requested" Jason on Facebook. They did a little Facebook "chatting", and some flirting on each others "walls". One night, while they were "chatting", there was a bit of a lull in the conversation and Jessica wasn't ready to stop talking. So, she told Jason her computer battery was acting strange (he worked at the Apple store). He told her to download some diagnostic thing, but he said that he'd make her a Genius Bar appointment the next day when he got to work - "If you give me your phone number, I can just text you the times that are available when I get there," he said. So, Jessica gave Jason her phone number.

After that, the two began texting a lot. Jessica was studying for finals, and she quickly realized that Jason had been out of school for a couple of years (she realized it without embarrassing herself, thankfully). She liked to study at Barnes and Noble at the Summit, and Jason came to meet her there after work a time or two. Over the next week or so, they became really good friends.

The week of finals, Jessica began to realize that she kind of liked Jason - probably as more than a friend - and he maybe liked her too. But, she was about to go back to Destin for the summer, and liking someone who lived in Birmingham would make things complicated; so they just continued to be friends.

Jessica realized right off the bat that Jason was an incredible guy. He did things like help her move out of her dorm room (even though she hadn't asked him to), and other little things that people don't usually volunteer to do (he always offered to drive, just little things like that).

Soon, the day came when it was time for Jessica to go home for the summer. Jason was sure that their friendship would end, or at least lessen, but it didn't! They continued to text throughout the day, even though they were five hours away and both working. The friendship seemed pretty resilient.

Jessica had a wedding to attend in Birmingham over Memorial Day weekend. She decided to come up a few days before the wedding to visit her friends that were staying in Birmingham over the summer. Naturally, this included Jason, and he caught on to that pretty fast. A few days before she arrived in Birmingham, he told her that his friend Kyle was playing in a show downtown and he'd love for Jessica to go with him.

Jessica arrived in Birmingham and spent the first evening with her friend, we'll call her MK. MK was going out of town the next day though, so Jessica was able to make plans with Jason. So, they spent the day together just going around and running errands. Remember Jessica's computer battery that she said was messed up to keep the conversation going? Well, she'd kept canceling the Genius Bar appointments that Jason had made her because she knew nothing was wrong with it. When she came up for the wedding, Jason decided that they could go together to get her battery looked at. Not so surprisingly, the Genius Bar dude told her nothing was wrong with it - go figure...

That night was the show that Kyle was playing in. Jessica went back to MK's house to change and say goodbye to MK. Then, without knowing it, Jason and Jessica began their first date, which included dinner at Rojo, walking around Morris Ave. in the rain, going to see Kyle play at Matthews Bar & Grill, and hanging out with friends at IHOP after the show.

Jessica and Jason were able to one more date (they had established it as a date by this point) in before she had to go home for the rest of the summer. It was the most perfect date Jessica had ever been on - and Jason was pretty happy with it too. The next morning, Jessica headed back to Destin. Unfortunately, their fear came true later on that week, and their friendship started to fizzle out a little bit because of the distance. They both agreed that they really enjoyed each other, but it wasn't  wise timing to start a relationship long distance.

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In August, Jessica returned to Birmingham for her senior year. Jessica was hopeful that she and Jason would be able to rekindle their friendship, even if they never went on another date. Thankfully, they ended up being around each other quite a bit because Jason was doing a lot of work at Samford and Jessica was on campus three weeks before classes started for RA training. They also had a lot of the same friends, and they went to the same church.

One night after school began, Jason called Jessica and asked her if she wanted to go with him to shoot a video for a friend who was about to release a new album and Jason was making a video for him to promote it. We'll call this friend Bobby. So of course, Jessica wanted to go. They had a great time just laughing and joking around together, and it seemed like their friendship was going to be able to pick up right where it had left off. They hung out with together with their group of friends a couple of nights in a row after that.

Then, Labor Day weekend came and Jessica was taking some of her girl friends home with her for a beach trip. Jason texted her the whole time that she was in Destin, and secretly, she liked that a lot. She thought that maybe her "more than friends" feelings were coming back, but she wasn't sure yet. When she got back from Destin on Labor Day, she was planning on having dinner with Taylor because she'd covered for him at work (they were both RAs) and he owed her dinner. As she was waiting for Taylor to come out to her car, she saw Jason drive by, park, and start walking toward them. He went to dinner with them as well! After dinner (at IHOP), Taylor had other plans, so Jason and Jessica decided to continue hanging out.

Then the hung out the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and they've basically been hanging out ever since.

Jason took Jessica on a couple of dates that were very "them". One was a cupcake date in the afternoon to Urban Standard - cupcakes and coffee are two of Jessica's favorite things. They also went to dinner a couple of times - and a movie or two. On September 22, 2010 Jason took Jessica on a special date. He blindfolded her and took her to Davenport's pizza because it's square (she'd told him that she liked square pizza - like the kind from elementary school). Then he blindfolded her again, and he took her to a movie. After the movie, she was blindfolded again and he took her to Sonic (according to Jason, a boy and a girl have to be a couple before they can go there at night together - that's the classic Samford after-date place to go). Before Jessica could take off the blindfold, Jason took her phone, and wrote this:

Then he said, "Okay, you can look now," and she did, and she said, "Yes! I'll be your girlfriend!" Then he handed her pink roses and they became "Facebook Official".

Exactly two years later, on September 22, 2012 (one month from today), Jessica will meet Jason at the alter, and they will vow to love each other forever, as husband and wife.

This may be the end of this story for now, but it's just the beginning for the {almost} Morales'!

{to find out more about the upcoming Sansom/Morales Wedding, make hotel reservations, look at their registries, get directions, and more, go to their wedding website}