A Month in the Making

I'm not really sure what the title of this post means, but it seemed appropriate. Sometimes the title just rolls from my mind, through my fingers, and onto the keyboard without making much sense.

Jason and I have been married for 4 months, 6 days, and about 45 minutes.We've experienced a lot of craziness in that amount of time. Just to give a brief overview, this is how our lives have looked over the past few months:

We thought we may be moving to a different city. We thought we might be moving to a different home in Birmingham. We thought we'd stay where we are. We really thought we might be moving to a different city. We decided to stay where we are. While we were figuring out where we were going to live, Jason changed jobs within the same company he already worked for, so now he works a full-time job and a more than part-time job as well (rather than two over-part-time jobs). We've been to six cities in four different states, not including our honeymoon. We've celebrated Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a New Year, all in different places.

It's been crazy. 

Thanksgiving in Daytona Beach, FL (Jason's hometown)

A fun little trip to Disney World in Orlando

Christmas in Destin, FL with my family

Bringing in 2013 from our couch

We spent New Year's Day in Atlanta visiting the Coke Factory

We took a little weekend getaway to Nashville earlier in January

In the midst of all of the craziness, we've also been learning A LOT. We've been learning how to live together, how to like each other since we now live together :), how to show love to each other (even when it's hard), what our roles in marriage look like Biblically and what that means practically, how our roles within our families have changed, and how to just live life day-to-day as a married couple.

I'll be honest, it hasn't been all easy. In fact, the first three months were rough at times...not rough ALL the time, but at certain times. We've had handfuls of people tell us that the first year of marriage is the hardest. Jason asks me about once every two weeks why people say that to us so often, and my only real answer for him is because it must be true.

I will say this though...through the ups and downs, the arguments and sweet moments, the traveling and the nights at home, the craziness and the simple silences, I've learned to see God's grace so much clearer than I could before.

Since I've been a believer, I've prayed that someday my future husband (I didn't know Jason then) and I would quickly grow to be united mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Since we got married, I have gotten so frustrated because I just didn't see that happened at the beginning of our marriage and I didn't understand why God didn't want that for us.

But then, almost like it was overnight, things started to change. I honestly don't think that Jason or I have done anything to change, but God definitely opened our eyes and changed our hearts. Over the last month or so, I've began to see God's grace all over the place, or at least that's how it feels. Jason and I regularly pray that God would do something in us/in our marriage that is so insane and radical that it's evident that only He could accomplish it, and I truly believe that has happened...or is beginning to happen.

I know I've got a long way to go, and I pray that by the grace of God I'm given many many  more years to grow, but I believe that God has allowed certain opportunities and circumstances to come into our lives that have taught me about my role as a wife and how that affects every other facet of my life (my job, my family, my home, my friendships, etc.). The biggest thing that God has begun teaching me though, is that my identity and my role in this world doesn't start externally with my  marriage, it starts internally with my relationship with Him.

I guess the title to this post does make sense when I consider the past month or so. These last few weeks have been so sweet, not only as a newlywed, but as a believer. I hope that it's the foundation and the making of a life in which I am ever-growing in Him.

I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome

Some Random Thoughts Wrapped Up as a Flashback

So this morning I did something I never do...I check my Samford email. 

I have my Samford email forwarded to my current email address, so there's never any reason to log in to my Bulldog Mail. But today for some reason, I did. 

After clearing out all the junk, I realized that I still have a few saved folders for that email account. One of the folders is entitled, "Jason," so of course I wanted to see what I'd stored away there. Among some flirty "I miss you" emails from when Jason was traveling or I was home for a holiday, this is what I found:

Subject: Just a quick thought...

I got out of class early and am reading Romans in the food court waiting to leave for work. Thought I'd share. This reminded me of my life and how much I've changed and also us and how far we've come in our relationship. "I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification." Romans 6:19. Praise God for his grace in our lives! 

:) 

 

The email is dated December 9, 2010...not even three months after Jason and began dating. Even though we've admitted to each other later that by this point in our relationship, we probably knew we wanted to marry the other person, we still had not said anything about it, or said "I love you", or even really met each others family. We were a  beginning. 

Jason and I around the time I wrote that email -
I only hoped we'd be where we are today...together forever.

 It's so neat to be a newlywed and see how accurate the bible is in comparing the church to a bride and Christ to the bridegroom. Just as Jason and I were something new when this email was written, we don't have an ending. But each day with Jason, I never cease to love him more. I reflect on how as a new believer, I was so in awe of Christ, His love, His sovereignty in my life. 

 

But, unlike my marriage, my heart breaks a little bit when I think about how complacent my love for God can be as the calendar grows further and further away from June 9, 2009. This realization makes me want to strive to love God more and more and be captivated by who He is more and more each and every day.

My sisters and I about 4 months after I became a believer -
Incredibly thankful for the journey God's taken me on since then.

Just as this verse that I quoted to Jason almost two years ago says, it's a process of sanctification. I cannot grow to love God more and more each and every day by my own efforts...I need God's grace to accomplish that. Similarly, I cannot grow to love Jason more and more everyday without him playing an active role in our marriage and outwardly loving me back.

Praise God that He doesn't leave us alone in this world to fend for ourselves; if that were the case, I'd fail miserably at this whole life thing. Praise God that I am a new creation and my relationship with Christ does not have an ending. Praise God that forevermore I am a slave to righteousness, not by my own accord, but by the Holy Spirit dwelling within me. 

With all of that said...

I've blogged to you...

Now you can blogbacktome.

Perfect Imperfection

Lately I've noticed that God is really teaching me a lot. Abba and I have been having some real "teachable moments" as my mom calls them. I used to really shy away from sharing what the Lord is teaching me because I felt like maybe I'd be judged for having not already grasp that concept - but recently I've noticed that I get SUPER excited when something clicks in my soul. You know that feeling when you realize something and you KNOW without a doubt that it's God revealing something to you because you feel a burning excitement in the pit of your heart? That's what I'm talking about. I'm so thankful that I've been able to experience this on multiple occasions over the last few weeks.

I'm a pretty passionate person. Some might say that I'm extreme. Not extreme as in weird (although I'm probably quite weird), but extreme as in I'm always one extreme or the other. If I decide that I'm going to do something or be a part of something, there's absolutely no turning back; I'm on board and I don't do things halfway. On the other hand, if I don't really care about something or if I don't think an idea is good, it's very obvious and it makes it really hard to for me to ever compromise (something I'm working on, trust me).

One thing that I've been passionate about since I've been a believer is pouring into other women - or young women. I have to admit that I haven't done this as much as I've wanted to since I've graduated from college, but I love it. I was an RA for three years in college and being able to sit up at 4:00 in the morning and listen to one of my residents pour out their heart about something that's bothering them is honestly one of the most satisfying experiences of my life thus far. It wasn't self-satisfying - I didn't really do anything. Most of the time I'd listen to girls talk about how they just broke up with their boyfriend and how they were never speaking to him again, only to find out that they were back together with the same guy a week later. But I got to listen. I go to pray. I got to give advice when they asked for it. I got to give a little bit of a different perspective if they  needed it. I got to share life with those girls in a different way than anyone else on that hall for three years. The best part of it is that I know that God placed me there to glorify Him.

I say all of this to say that I try to use my blog as the same kind of platform that I used my job as an RA. Sometimes the things that I write are probably way TMI (too much information), so I do apologize for that. But I try to write about things that the Lord is teaching me, so please don't fault me for that :) And with that - here we go.

Last night I had an epiphany.

Yesterday my office gave Jason and me a wedding shower. It was beautiful in every way and we felt so loved and blessed by everyone. In addition to the wedding gifts we got at the shower, we also received a grill in the mail (that just sounds funny) yesterday as a wedding gift. I bought steaks to cook this week, so when Jason got the grill, I told him that we could save the steaks for when he got the grill put together. So the poor guy went to work.

A snapshot of the wedding shower that Martin gave us!

I walked into my apartment that had a dining room full of moving boxes (Jason's stuff) and wedding gifts from yesterday and the shower I had in Fort Walton a couple of weeks back. Then, I looked in the living room and Jason was surrounded by LOTS of small pieces that were somehow supposed to fit together to make a grill. I felt like the walls were going to cave in on me.

So I decided that I would make some chicken noodle soup with the leftover chicken from earlier this week - just in case the grill wasn't finished tonight. Then we realized that we had a charcoal grill but no charcoals. So my roommate and I went to Walmart to buy charcoals. Long story short, the grill is put together, but I cooked our steak on the stove last night.

As Jason was sitting on the couch, a little frustrated and a lot hungry, I was in the kitchen still working. I kept thinking to myself that I'd worked all day, then I came home and helped him, and now I'm the one who is still up cooking him dinner - after I'd already cooked soup - and I could barely walk through my apartment without having to step over stuff. I began to get frustrated as well.

When the stove-cooked steaks were finished, I put them on a plate with some corn on the cob that I'd also cooked and took Jason's plate into the living room to give to him. As I came around the corner, I saw him sitting there on the couch, working on a video project that he's been doing and I realized something: not only has he been working all day too, he's still working just like me. But even if he wasn't still working, it wouldn't matter. I love him. He's the best friend I'll ever have and I'd do anything for him.

After dinner I was working on putting together some shelves and I went into the kitchen to get something to drink. When I walked in, Jason was putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and washing the dirty dinner dishes.

Before he left last night I told him the realization that I'd come to and I just wanted him to know that God is really humbling me and teaching me to show him love by serving. Jason said that while he was doing the dishes, he'd come to the same conclusion. We both laughed about it because we realize that if we didn't have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us and teaching us how to love each other well, the night could have looked a lot different. We didn't let our frustration get the best of us - instead we just made a decision to serve. As imperfect as we are as people, the grace of God has made our love for each other perfect.

This whole night reminded me of a conversation that I had with a friend from my small group back in June. She's been married for almost two years, and Jason and I really respect she and her husband's marriage. She told me that one of the things she's learned is that in marriage, you should always feel like you're doing more work - and that should bring you joy. You should constantly be trying to out-serve the other person. God has called us to serve one another in marriage, and I am so excited that God has chosen to teach Jason and I what that looks like before we're even married!

Well, enough rambling for the day. I hope that you all have fa fabulous weekend - but there's one more thing I want to leave you with on this Friday:

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:1-2

Defining Moments

Each of us have instances, circumstances, days, weeks, months, thoughts, words, etc. that are "defining moments" in our lives. We don't necessarily know what they are ahead of time, and many times we don't know when they are (possibly even when they're happening), but they're out there - and they find and define each of us.

I feel as if lately my life has been surrounded by a lot of heartache. There have been too many loved ones of friends who have departed this world. There have been too many marriages of friends or friends of friends that have been broken apart because of infidelity. There have been lost jobs, unscheduled moves, and some things that don't really fit into a category, but are just sad.

All of this heartache makes me hurt - sometimes I literally feel like my heart is hurting. And then I look at my life in the here and now and realize how truly blessed I am. Here I am on the brink of a joyous occasion where I get to become the wife of my best friend. Here I am on the brink of having on of my other best friends (my sister) move a mile and a half away from my apartment. Here I am working at a great job which pays the bills and is in my field of study. Here I am with an amazing and supportive family. Here I am with a loving and caring and faithful Savior who loves me unconditionally and died for me.

Just when I start to become a little jaded by how my life is looking in the here and now, God draws me back to reality. When I think about the past five years of my life, it is a roller coaster of ups-and-downs. There's been sadness and rejoicing, pain and celebration, along with suffering and comfort. Each stage of life is rooted in easy and hard situations sprinkled with defining moments along the way - that's how God grows us.

I'm constantly reminded that I'm living in a fallen world that is full of sinful people (including myself).

A defining moment is a time that have an affect on your life that is lasting.

Thinking about defining moments makes me think about a quote from the Esther book that I'm reading:

If I had known beforehand what I would have had to walk through to receive the victory, I might have said, "NO THANKS!" and merely walked away, but God is more generous than to allow that. Sometimes, in this way, I can view my lack of information (lack of ability to judge my situation rightly) as a blessing in disguise...of course, there are are times (more often than I would like to admit!) when I allow that same lack of information to become a source of frustration. (pg. 41)

Sometimes we go through things or times when we feel like every decision we make is going to be life altering - and many times we're probably right. But isn't it so encouraging to know that even as we're worrying and fretting over what to to do or what choice to make, God already knows? There are moments that we can look back on that we know define our lives - but God is the author of our story.

When sadness or difficult circumstances surround you, remember that. God has written our story. He knows the decision we will make, how it will affect us, who else it might affect, how long it will affect us, He knows it all! May we learn to put our trust in Him each and every day and may remember that throughout all of eternity He is the one thing that unchanging - He is always good.

"Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you." - C.S. Lewis, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe

The War Inside

I'm just going to warn you right now, buckle up because I'm probably going to reach a new level of rambling today. I've had the topic that I'm writing about on my mind for quite some time, and I feel like I've meditated on it enough that I finally have the courage to write about it.

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I have a theme song, at least a song for right now. I've mentioned before that I'm am overly affected by music and that it can really can steer my emotions. While I was on the treadmill about two weeks ago, The War Inside by Switchfoot came on. If you've never heard the song, it's really a great workout song, so I'd recommend adding that one to your playlist. But something about it just lit a fire inside of me...of about two days.

Isn't that how we are though? Don't we set our mind to something and we build up our determination, just to watch it crumble when it gets tough or uncomfortable? Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty bad at sticking to things that are super tough, even when deep down I know that I want to.

Last week, for some reason I had these words swimming around in my head...all...week...long: "I do want I don't want to do and I don't do what I do want to  do." These words derived from the words of Paul in the New Testament when he wrote about his sin.

"For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am!" - Romans 7:14-24

Okay, so admittedly, I'm not the best at memorizing scripture word-for-word...but I had the gist of it rolling around in my brain for days.  

I keep setting my mind to things: eating good, sticking to Weight Watchers, working out on a daily basis, lowering my carb/sugar intake, not eating dessert, making healthy choices even when we're out, etc. I keep setting my mind to things and then at the drop of a hat, I just abandon them...even though I don't want to. I go for the ice cream, or I turn off my alarm in the morning, day after day after day. Obviously, I'm not saying that eating ice cream or sleeping until 7:00 rather than 6:00 is evil, like Paul is saying about his sin, I'm just saying that by my own strength, I cannot conquer any battle. 

As you've probably gathered by now from my blog, I really do hate putting bad things into my body. I really do hate going days at a time without working out. I really do want to be healthy and want to exercise. But than wretched sin that dwells within me goes against my better thoughts and desires and just takes over. 

I'd been really really hard on myself over the weekend. Jason was in a wedding so our dinners were provided to us at the wedding and rehearsal dinner, so it made it very difficult to stick to what I wanted to eat, which were healthy things (or at least healthier).

So there I was on Sunday afternoon, relaxing on the couch, and trying with everything inside of me to hold off on snacking and just wait until dinner. It was time to leave the apartment for church. Jason and I had been hanging out that afternoon, so we loaded into the car, and headed off. 

We made a few pit stops to turn in his tux from the wedding and also to peak into the new LOFT at the Summit (I'm a big fan by the way). While we were in LOFT, I tried on multiple items that didn't fit. I took the jeans that I really liked (but were one size to small) up to the register to see if they could get them from another store. The sales lady kindly told me that the size I had in my hands was the biggest size they carry in the store. Talk about humiliating. Talk about being really down on myself. Internally, I was a mess. 

Finally we arrived at church. I was so ready to just worship my Savior and Creator and just spend some concentrated time in corporate worship and study in His Word. Our executive pastor was the one preaching that day, and he told us to open our bibles to Romans 7. He explained that the text he would be preaching on that evening is very difficult to preach on, but absolutely necessary. The words he spoke could not have been more true. 

You see, he started out in Romans 7:14, which is where I had been kind of lingering all week long. But he did something that I had been failing to do...he kept reading. 

After Paul goes on and on about how dreadful this sin problem is, he says this:

"Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." - Romans 7:25-8:2

[Here's the part that's hard for me to admit]

During his sermon, the pastor then said something that truly cut me to the core and convicted me in a way that I haven't been convicted in quite a while. 

I'm so bad about comparing myself to other people. Maybe it's the way the look and I figure out if I'm bigger than them, smaller than them, or the same. Maybe it's looking at someone's lifestyle or choices and knowing that they're walking an outwardly sinful life and concluding that I'm probably better off because most sin that I have (and I do realize that we ALL sin) in usually more inward. I'm very quick to just brush off my lack of self-control or my readiness to give up at something as me just "accepting myself the way I am". And while I do think it's important to know and understand that God has created each of us and we are His workmanship, my tendencies are nothing less than sin. 

 Here's what he said (this isn't word-for-word, but it's the best I could remember when I was jotting it all down): "We may look down the road and say to ourselves, 'Well, at least I'm not a drug addict like my neighbor over there.' But if we are growing Christians, we should look at ourselves in the mirror and say, 'I'm worse, I'm a a believer and I'm a pride addict, or a stuff addict, or a food addict.'" 


May I recognize the sin in my life and call it what it is. May I do so, not to be self-deprecating, but the be a growing believer.


I know that most of you have probably had that Sunday when you're sitting in the congregation minding your own business and then the pastor decides to basically call you out (not literally, but you feel like it). I have had many occasion such as this, and Sunday evening was definitely one of those times. I wanted to stand up and just say, "I get it, God! Thank you! Thank you God for saving me even me!"

I am set free by the blood of Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never accomplish or defeat a battle without Him. 

“The Christian life is a life of continual struggle, of victories and defeats, and Christian victory comes only when we totally distrust self, and rely on the provision of God. How frequently we throw works out the front door of justification, and invite them in the back door of sanctification.” - John Stott 

This weekend I was reminded that there is a "war inside". There's a battle for my soul. But I take refuge in the fact that I also have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of my soul. I am His, therefore there is no battle that will not be won.  

"I Will Not Abandon You!"

Yesterday I logged into iTunes to download the sermon from Brook Hills that I missed last week. I decided that listening to podcasts during work is a fantastic way to pass the time when I'm doing a lot of cutting and pasting in Excel.

Today when I came into work, I went through some old podcasts from Brook Hills that sounded interesting. They're all from before I started attending church there, so it's just kinda neat to go back and hear some of this stuff that the sermons now have been built upon.

The first one I listened to caught my eye because it's a sermon about adoption that was from Easter 2007. After listening to about 10 minutes of it, I knew that I had to share it with anyone and everyone.

I know that I've talked about my extreme passion for adoption (extreme might be a bit of an understatement) before on the blog (see part one and part two). But I thought that this sermon explained the very core truth of why I (and Jason) want to adopt someday. So...here it is:

Click here to listen/watch

Whether or not you decide to listen/watch the sermon is totally up to you (obviously)...but I wanted to share a couple of things for those of you who don't listen/watch it.

Adoption started out as something that I may resort to in the case that I am not able to have kids biologically. I have no clue if I can have biological children, but sometimes it's harder for women with insulin resistance to get pregnant, and sometimes it's impossible. So at a young age, I realized that adoption might be the way I have children.

Over the years, I've learned that adoption is kind of cool thing to do, especially among Christians. I don't want to say that it's "trendy", but it kind of is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that adoption isn't cool or that it's not a beyond wonderful thing that adoption is "trendy" among Christians these days, it's a total miracle! But, for a little while there, my reasons for wanting to adopt became more about me than about the actual reality of adoption.

Here is the reality: adoption is not about us...it's about God. It's a perfect reflection of the relationship between the saved and the Savior.

This is how I know -

“But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the
law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could
adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the
Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, ‘Abba, Father [which literally means "daddy"].’ Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir.” - Galatians 4:4-8

When we call upon the name of Jesus, God changes our "status" and we become His child, His heir. Just as when we adopt a child, their legal status is changed and they become our child, our heir.

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” - Ephesians 1:4-8

When we cry out to God, confess our sinfulness to Him, and our neediness for Him, we are adopted into His family! His family [the church] changes. We are added. Just as when we adopt a child, our family looks much different that it did before. It changes. A child is added.

“So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, ‘Abba, Father.’ For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory.” - Romans 8:15-17

“And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.” - Romans 8:23

God promises His children a full inheritance. He doesn't hold out on any one of us who has called upon His name. He affirms us and loves us in all of His glory. Our lives and our future are forever changed. When we adopt, we give that child a full inheritance. We don't hold out on them. We affirm them and love them with all that we have. Their lives and their future are forever changed.

-------------

I am so thankful about the confidence that I have in Christ. I am thankful to know that I am a part of the family of God. I cannot wait to share even an ounce of that love with a child someday. As the graphic above says, "I am in love with a child I haven't met yet."

Ever & Never Changing

When I started writing consistently, my primary focus was to share about my battle with food that I've struggled with for years and years. I've never labeled myself as a "writer" and I've never labeled this blog as a "health blog" or a "food blog". That was intentional. So I apologize, because even though I do have a recipe to share with all of you (complete with pictures), I'm not going to write about food today.

Life is messy and life is full of surprises. Some good, some bad, and some just...well...surprising. We grow, sometimes willfully and sometimes not so willfully. We stretch beyond our comfort zone through life transitions. And sometimes, we avoid transition at all costs.

Sometimes I'd really appreciate one of these!
Source

Usually, I'm pretty good with big change. My sister graduating high school has made me reminisce on my own high school graduation, and I didn't even cry about it once. I was super involved in my high school and I loved every moment of it, but I was ready for the the transition from high school to college. Graduating from college was tough because I loved Samford, my friends, and my college life so much, but in the end, I don't recall it being that difficult. I knew it was time to transition out of college and into the world.

Our lives are full of little changes and transitions, and if I'm honest, I don't deal with those as well as I do the big stuff. I think I handle the big stuff more gracefully because of the day-to-day plans that I make and the schedule I cling to. When I lose control of my day-to-day plans, I lose control of everything.

I am constantly reminded that I am not in control. I've written about it before. But when it feels like everything around me is in transition, and I'm having to get used to new thing after new thing, I put a death grip on my day-to-day plans -- I put a death grip on my ability to control.

Source

Lately, it seems as though nothing is the same day-to-day. Each day there's something new or something different. I'm combining the life that I've been building for 23 years with a man who's been building a separate life for 25 years. Do I want that? OF COURSE! I want nothing more than to get married on September 22nd to the man of my dreams, so please don't think I'm complaining. But I must admit (not for the first time and probably not for the last): this transition stuff is hard work.

Throughout this process, I know that God is sanctifying and stretching me. He's teaching me to die to myself. He's teaching me to let go of my comforts. He's teaching me to let someone else lead. He's teaching me to see the big picture, to gain some perspective rather than live in this valley of the unknown.
I know that scripture tells me each of these things is good and of the Lord. But scripture also teaches me about change.

Source

Scripture tells us that change in us is a good thing. 

When we become believers, the bible tells us that we are made new. 
"From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:16-17 

"I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed." - 1 Corinthians 15:50-52

God changes things according to His sovereign plan for us.

“Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,
     to whom belong wisdom and might.
He changes times and seasons;
     he removes kings and sets up kings;
he gives wisdom to the wise
     and knowledge to those who have understanding;
he reveals deep and hidden things;
     he knows what is in the darkness,
     and the light dwells with him."

 - Daniel 2:20-22

Our hearts are changed when we call upon the name of the Lord. 
“For at that time I will change the speech of the peoples
    to a pure speech,
that all of them may call upon the name of the Lord
    and serve him with one accord."
- Zephaniah 3:9  

Jesus' birth, life, ministry, death, and resurrection changed the course of history for the rest of eternity.  
"and they set up false witnesses who said, “This man never ceases to speak words against this holy place and the law, for we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and will change the customs that Moses delivered to us.” And gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel." - Acts 6:13-15

Scripture also tells us that there is One who will never change.

“For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed." - Malachi 3:6

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:8


How glorious it is to know that God is sovereign over the change and transitions in our lives, and that will never change!! 

 

Meditate and Chew

Ever since last Friday's post about contentment, I've been really focusing and meditating on Psalm 139. I believe that reading it last week revealed so much new truth to me. So, since I didn't cook last night, nor did I really do anything productive (except hang out with friends from college, of course), I figured I'd leave you with something a little more...eternal :)

Psalm 139 -

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
² You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
³ You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
⁵ You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
⁶  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

⁷  Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
     If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
¹²  even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵  My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

¹⁹ Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
²⁰ They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.
²¹  Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
²² I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
     Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

 

(all emphasis is my own)

[Worry] Warts are Gross

When I was in 4th grade I had to create a business as a school project. Our entire classroom was covered in upside down refrigerator boxes for about a month. I don't remember the name of our business, but I do know that at first our business failed. 

Then, we learned about worry dolls. 

My mom taught my friend and me how to make worry dolls out of clothespins. We made hundreds of them, and they sold so well! In the end, we didn't fail.

Source

Ironically, we didn't fail this project because worry exists in the world. In fact, not only does it exist, it is ever present and prevalent in our lives. 

Last week I introduced you all to the book I'm reading called Calm my Anxious Heart. Well, I'm finally on chapter nine. I took me a day and night to finish chapter eight. Yes, I'm a slow reader, but it took me so long because I truly struggled through the chapter called, "Worry is not a Rocking Chair".

If you've ever taken the Myers Briggs personality test, you'll know what I mean when I say that I'm very much a "J". I'm convinced that this personality trait, plus the fact that I'm a sinner living in fallen world, leaves me with a lot of worry. As Jason says, I'm a "worrier". 

This is me way too often.
Source

This chapter of the book went all military on me (meaning that it broke me down and then eventually it built me back up). When the author, Linda Dillow, did a study on the topic of worry among women, she found that women worry about these things the most:

• Money
• Parenting
• Marriage
• Health
• Job security
• Weight
• Threats

Here are the reasons why women worry about these things:

• The world is out of control
• Families are out of control
• My life is out of control

Like Linda, I can definitely identity with these women, but for me, this list of reasons begs the question:

Who IS in control?

As I've already stated in a previous post, we know that God is in control.

In the book, Linda places a quote at the beginning of this chapter.

"George Müller said, 'The beginning of anxiety is the end of faith. The beginning of true faith is the end of anxiety.'  All our fret and worry are caused by calculating without God."*

When she wrote, "We say with one breath that we trust God and with the next breath how worried we are! Worry and anxiety give a small thing a big shadow, and this shadow creates problems, not just in the soul and spirit, but in the body,"**

When I read this yesterday, I felt like Linda could see into my filthy, unfaithful heart.

How many of us do this? How many of us sit at church and nod our heads and sing and worship, go to bible study and live out our "good Christian life", but then when we are alone or when one thing doesn't go our way, we freak out and ask God why he's doing this to us? I know that I am so very guilty of this.

I could probably write a book myself just on this topic alone. I could go on and on about how the only thing that God has done for us is send his perfect and holy Son to die on the cross for our sins. I could state that we are all hypocrites and in the middle of circumstances that are less than ideal, we should cling to the cross rather than blame the Sacrifice. I might even would add that if God gave us what we deserve, we probably would be a lot more upset about where we'd all end up.

But, I'm not a preacher. I'm just a girl who writes a blog to share with those of you who read it about what I'm walking through in my life. So, keeping that in mind, I will fall back into line and tell you all that I fail at not being anxious and not worrying each and every day. I fail miserably.

(And here it is folks, the call to action. You must have known by now that it was coming soon)

If you feel like you may identify with this, if you, like me, are a chronic worrier, here is some truthes that are so obvious, but sometimes so difficult to truly embrace.

• Worry doesn’t empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.**

• Perhaps the most striking characteristic of worry is its absolute impotence. Worry never changes a single thing except the worrier.**

• Worry is definitely counterproductive. Like our earlier illustration of a rocking chair, it doesn’t get us anywhere, but at least it gives us something to do, and women like to do something!***

• 1 Peter 5: 6-7 gave us an alternative to carrying the anxiety ourselves. "Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."****

Source

May we cling to the truths of scripture.

May we pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). May with cast our anxiety on the Lord (1 Peter 5:6-7). May we be strong in Christ and not fear what circumstances come our way (Isaiah 35:3-5).  May we recognize that God has placed us here for a purpose, not just to survive (Matthew 6:25). May we not be anxious about tomorrow (Matthew 6:33-34). May we lift our voices in prayer instead of wasting away our days being anxious and worrying about things that God is sovereign over (Philippians 4:5-7).

Source

 
 Enough rambling for now...that picture was worth all the rest of my words (so stinkin' cute, right?). 

Prayer Focus for the Day: May we ask God to lead us to a place where we do not worry and we solely rely upon him for his provision. May we ask him to place people in our lives who can encourage us in this area of worry and anxiety. May we also ask God to place us in others' lives to be someone who is an encouragement to them.





****Dillow, Linda (2012-01-05). Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment with Bonus Content (p. 116). Navpress. Kindle Edition. 

***Dillow, Linda (2012-01-05). Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment with Bonus Content (p. 114). Navpress. Kindle Edition.

**Dillow, Linda (2012-01-05). Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment with Bonus Content (p. 113). Navpress. Kindle Edition.

*Dillow, Linda (2012-01-05). Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment with Bonus Content (p. 108). Navpress. Kindle Edition.  

A Prayer of Contentment

I know you're thinking, "What?!?!? Two posts in one day? I don't have time for this kind of rambling, Jessica." But I promise that you will not be disappointed. If you never read anything else that I write, please read this post (mostly because it's mostly written by someone else).


I'm reading the book a book called Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow*. The book was actually recommended to me by a blog reader and friend after I posted the confessions post a few weeks ago. I have thoroughly enjoyed this book thus far (I'm only on chapter three...but I'm a slow reader).


This excerpt of the book is coming from Psalm 139. Take few minutes to read it (by clicking the link) and then read this quote from the book. You will not regret it!

According to Psalm 139, God not only created your personality, He also gave you your body. Verse 15 reads, “My frame was not hidden from Thee, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth” (NASB).

In Hebrew, the word translated wrought means “embroidered.” It was the same Hebrew word used to refer to the skillful and artistic needlework in the curtains of the Old Testament tabernacle. When God fashioned you in your mother’s womb (described in the psalm as “the depths of the earth”), He embroidered with great skill. Although no one else could see you, God saw every detail of the formation of your body. As a weaver intricately embroiders colors together to create a beautiful pattern, God knit together your veins, muscles, nerves, and every curve and indentation that is uniquely yours. What tapestry can begin to equal the human fabric?

Perhaps you think other female tapestry is beautiful, but not yours. “I don’t like my nose, my hips, my breasts. In fact I really don’t like much about me.” All of us could list things we’d like changed about ourselves. But if we are displeased with our physical form, we’re really arguing with He is responsible for the color of our hair and the size of our nose and whether we have cellulite.

I’m not surprised that so many women struggle over their personal appearance. The values of our American culture are warped. We’re constantly bombarded with pressure created by the media to have a “perfect” body. This emphasis is wrong and unbiblical. As Christian women, we know this perspective is twisted, yet how easy it is to get caught up in the deadly disease of comparison.

My husband, Jody, believes that women look at other women more than men look at women. This may sound strange, but I think he’s right. We women analyze, scrutinize, and compare to see how we stack up to the supermodel in her skimpy bathing suit. I never come out looking very good. When we compare ourselves with others, we’re told we are without understanding. The Living Bible says we are “stupid” (2 Corinthians 10: 12).

Several years ago I read an article by the Reverend James Hufstetler** that put the comparison game in perspective.

You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did.

God wants each of us to praise Him for His workmanship in creating us.

George MacDonald***, the man C. S. Lewis called his mentor, wrote,

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking.


This is a prayer of contentment.

*Dillow, Linda (2012-01-05). Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment with Bonus Content . Navpress. Kindle Edition. 

**James Hufstetler, “On Knowing Oneself,” The Banner of Truth 280 (January 1987), p. 13.


***by J. R. Miller in a printed message, “Finding One’s Mission” (Swengel, PA: Peiner Publications, n.d.), p. 2.

These are my Confessions

Last night a couple of things happened.

1. My internet went out from 8:00 in the evening until I went to bed.
2. Jason called to get Charter to fix my internet...without me asking him to (he gets major points for this).
3. I ate lots of pistachios before dinner.
4. I watched TV for about four hours.
5. I had a relapse. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I relapsed.

This morning I woke and felt how I suppose Peter felt in Matthew 14 when Jesus walks on water.

Matthew 14:28-33 says, "And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.'  Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

Last night as I sat on my couch digging into a pint of ice cream, I felt like a hypocrite. But as I went to bed a few hours later, I realized that this was bound to happen and God will definitely use my lack of self-control for His glory. 

Here's what happened:

I've been waking up every morning and weighing myself. Yesterday, I weight myself and instead of being down another pound or so, I was up two pounds. I thought to myself, "That's okay, just keep on being healthy and it'll be fine." But really, I was kind of freaking out.

So throughout the day, I snacked more than I usually do on things like M&M's. Not a lot of M&M's, just a few here or there. Then, when I got home, I wanted a few pistachios; I ate the rest of the bag. Then, I made dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Then, I wanted something sweet so I poured some strawberry Greek yogurt into a bowl and mixed in a teaspoon of Nutella. Then, I ate the rest of the Nutella that was in the jar (it wasn't much, but I literally cleaned it out). Then, I still wasn't satisfied, so I grabbed my emergency pint of TCBY frozen yogurt that I bought in case I wanted a TASTE of something sweet. I ate the whole thing. Then I had a pity party, watched more TV, got mad at Charter, and went to bed.  

My really large stack of pistachio shells and my leftovers from Tuesday night.

What the heck? I ate fruits and veggies AND tomatoes last week and withstood tons of temptation! What was I doing? 

Nutella is a problem.

I wasn't having faith. I forgot that God is in control and I forgot that my life is completely in his hands...even this! I forgot that I'm in a spiritual battle here.  

Notice the negative calories at the top.

I then remembered that I've always done this. I'd be good at being healthy for a week or two, and then I would start questioning God, "Why do I have to work at this so hard? Why can't I look like her, or her, or even her?" Last night wasn't about the food or the calories I consumed, it was about relapsing into my lack of faith.  

Here's the difference between the dozens of times I've done this in the past and today: it's not a secret. 

Luke 12:2-3 says, "Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops."

James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." 

These verses directly point to the fact that I must not hide my weakness, or my sin. I know it sounds extreme to say that by eating Nutella and ice cream in the same night, I'm sinning. But as I said, it's not about the food, it's about a lack of faith.  

I know that I am not in the battle alone. So won't you pray with me and for me today?

How can I pray for you? None of us are in alone. 

Today is also the National Day of Prayer. 

Let us stand strong as the body of Christ and take our ramblings to our heavenly Father, for he cares for us deeply.  

*For more background information on my lifelong battle with a healthy lifestyle, read here. 

Day 5 (Part 1): Wednesday Wake-Up Call

Is it just me or is this week going by pretty slow? It's probably because I've got my sights set on Saturday...for many reasons. Reuniting with coffee is definitely up there on the list, but I'm also going to be at my parent's house this weekend in Destin and I'll be wedding dress shopping (finally)! So the days seem to linger on a little more than I'd like, but it's definitely given me a lot of time to reflect.

I've never been one to put my deepest feelings on the internet. You won't find any posts from me on Facebook that passive-aggressively hint (or rather directly point) to a fight or argument I've had with Jason or my mom. There aren't any notes of deep seeded feelings about life and how I need to pursue more make some big life altering change.

But...in doing this cleanse and having time to reflect on how I'm feeling, whether or not I'm hungry, and deciding if I'm going to pass out or not (that's a joke, kind of) and through all of this over the last four days, I've realized something about myself that is important for anyone reading my blog to reflect on themselves.

Self-image issues are something that haunt most woman, and unfortunately many teenage girls as well. Most of us don't like to admit it, but it's true. I'm not claiming to have a cure for loving yourself better or looking your best tomorrow, but I do think that I've come to realize something important that will truly change my life, and hopefully yours.

Are you ready for it?

Here it is...

God is in control. 

Simple, right? You'd think that. But it's undoubtedly the most complex and complicated thing for me to grasp. I'm always trying to take over!

If you read my first blog leading up to the cleanse (read it here), you'll see that I've always struggled with my weight. I remember being in second grade and looking around at the kids in P.E. and wondering why I couldn't run as fast as they could, and why my stomach was rounder than theirs. In middle school, I cheered and danced on my school's Cheer/Dance Team and I wore the little cheerleading and dance outfits, but I was also so uncomfortable going out to perform in front of my peers. I remember when my team ordered new cheerleading outfits and I had one of the biggest skirts. Looking back at that point in my life, I wasn't fat, or even really chubby, I'm just curvy. I realize that now, but as we all know, in the moment (and especially at 13 when I just wanted to fit in) I was so hard on myself and I wondered why I could not overcome this. In high school, I quit cheering and dancing to pursue other extracurricular activities and I started gaining weight fast. My mom let me have a personal trainer for a little while just so I could learn the correct way to work out and exercise. At that time, TrimSpa was really popular for girls at my high school to take and they lost weight fast, but it was not in any way healthy. I think my mom feared that I would do that, so she was trying to cut me off before I got to that point.

Here's where things got tricky. No matter what I did, I could not lose the weight. Over the course of about a year I gained 30-40 pounds. I was a 16-year-old girl, growing up in Destin on the beach, and I hated the way I looked in a swim suit. So, my mom started taking me to doctors. To make a long story short, about a year later I found out that I'm insulin resistant. From the moment I found out, I knew that my whole life it would always be harder for me to lose weight. And boy was I right.

College was a combination of ups and downs with my weight. This is when I realized that I have issues with food and exercise. I'm a fixer, and I like instant results. If I run for a week, I want to reap the benefits of it. I want to see more muscle and less fat by the end of the day. Obviously, I know that's not how it works, but I've never been satisfied with this whole waiting and keep working thing.

I also learned in college that I'm an emotional eater. The summer/fall of my sophomore year at Samford was the smallest and healthiest I've probably been since I was 14. I was running about three or four days a week and I was eating really healthy. Then, around Thanksgiving that year, my family started facing a lot of persecution and going through the biggest trial of our lives. I began eating for pleasure and comfort rather than eating for energy and I gained all of my weight back...and then some.

For the most part, that leads us to now. Now I'm just shy of 23-years-old and I'm getting married in less than five months. Now, I am the biggest I've ever been and I don't understand why. I eat healthy, or at least fairly healthy. I exercise pretty regularly. Why can't I lose weight?

This question has literally been haunting me for months.

Last night I was reading Matthew 15 and 16. Those are the passages of scripture that talk about what defiles a person, Jesus feeds the four thousand, the Sadducees and Pharisees demand signs, Peter confesses Jesus as the Christ, and the call for us to take up our cross and follow Jesus. Nothing about weight loss or self-esteem in there. Right? Well, no, not directly.

Here's what stuck out to me though: the story of the Canaanite woman. This woman was not Jewish, but she is asking Jesus to heal her daughter of a demon. Jesus basically just states that he was sent for the people of Israel (the Jewish people). He uses and analogy of taking children's bread and giving it to the dogs. But here's where it gets good.

Matthew 15:27-28 says, "She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.” Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly."

I'm not claiming to have an issue like this woman's. And I'm not expecting for Jesus to just say a few words and for me to be at my ideal weight or size. But, I do want Jesus to look at his daughter, Jessica Sansom, and say, "O woman, great is your faith!" Honestly, that is my deepest desire. 

For me, a healthy lifestyle and losing weight a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual battle. There are not many things in my life that come this difficult for me, but this is certainly one of them. 

I've always known this was a physical battle. When I found out that that I am insulin resistant, I realized that it was a mental battle. In college when my family was facing persecution and trials I realized it was an emotional battle. But just now I'm realizing that this is a spiritual battle. 

This this brings me to the "call to action" so to speak. What am I going to do about this? How will I fight this battle? 

Well, I'm going to pray first. I'm going to seek God. I'm going to dive into his Word. And then I'm going to be obedient. 


I know that this blog post has been long and you probably know way more about me than you'd ever care to. But I hope and pray with everything in me that this post touches and helps at least one other person. 


Like I said, we all have image and self-esteem issues. Whether or not they dominate our thoughts, minds, or lives is irrelevant. Or maybe your biggest issues aren't self-esteem or self-image, but rather something else. But regardless of what they are, have you given your issues to God? Have you called out to him? Have you accepted that he is in control and is sovereign over you and over your life?


For once, I need to stop rambling and just pray. Will you be in prayer with me today?