Job Moments

What are "Job moments" you ask? Well, they're what I consider moments when we look at our life, our family, our career, our whatever, and everything it's all upside down. When we feel like we're low as low can get. When everything that has mattered to us is gone. When our hearts are broken. When we get to the point where we literally think the only thing that hasn't been taken from us is our life.

We've all been there. We've all watched as aspects of our life that we put so much hope and assurance in slowly dissipate (or quickly, as it was for Job).

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I know I've been there. I have vivid memories...memories that are painful to remember. I remember falling on my knees, crying out to God; questioning His goodness, His greatness, and ultimately His power over my life.

I've continually been brought back to the book of Job. Job lost everything...literally EVERYTHING. So much so that his own wife told him over and over again to curse God and die.

Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.” - Job 2:9

But Job didn't; instead, he worshiped. He praised God in his suffering. He mustered up enough faith to seek joy through his suffering. In my opinion, Job was unhappy through this time. It wasn't like he was okay with all of this. It wasn't like he was walking around with a smile across his face. He thought he was going to die. Everyone surrounding him was telling him that he's sinned, and this was punishment for his unrighteousness. But in Job, we find an underlying theme that there is quite a big difference between earthly pleasures and happiness and eternal joy. 

In a sermon that I heard a long time ago, the pastor pointed out how Job goes on and on and on at the end of the book praising God and extolling His greatness. And even though Job is among the most righteous of men, God stops him and basically says that Job can't even begin to comprehend His greatness. Job responds in a way that I pray I would, but in reality, I know I would not. Job shows humility before the Lord:

“I know that you can do all things,
    and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 
‘Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?’
Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand,
    things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 
 ‘Hear, and I will speak;
    I will question you, and you make it known to me.’ 
 I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear,
    but now my eye sees you; 
 therefore I despise myself,
    and repent in dust and ashes.”
- Job 42:2-6 

In our "Job moments", how many of us respond this way? How many of us direct our heart and our minds toward eternal joy and bow in humility before our King? I'll be the first to say that I have failed at that time and time again. 

I look at the world around me. A world full of evilness and wickedness. A world full of hatred and condemnation. A world full of tragedy and sorrow. 

I'm reminded of a verse in Proverbs that says, "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." (19:21) Although I know without a doubt that many men have plans for evil, wickedness, and are full of hatred, I also take comfort knowing that at the end of the day, when all is said and done, only the Lord's purposes will remain. 

I don't know a lot and I am not a bible scholar; I don't claim to be, and I know I never will be. But I do know one thing: focusing our hearts/minds/lives on eternal joy is of the utmost importance. God's word says that none of us are righteous (Romans 3:10). The fact that this world isn't in utter chaos is only by the grace of God. The fact that we can recognize evil and mourn when we're faced with tragedy is only by the grace of God. But when our focus is not on a happy, prosperous, pleasure-filled life on earth, but rather on eternal joy that comes from our Heavenly Father, we have more to live for. And in our "Job moments", when we're fixed on eternal joy, we don't seem to question God so much. We are able to see every day as an opportunity. We are able to say, as Job did, "'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.'" (Job 1:21)

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What I've Been "Reading"

So, I guess I'll let the cat out of the bag - I'm a big fan of audiobooks.

I love reading, but with a 8:30-5:00 job, planning a wedding, extra work with the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes, a fiance who I'd like to give my attention to, and somewhat of a TV addiction, reading doesn't happen as often as I'd like. A couple of months ago I bought a Kindle e-reader. I love it, and I've used it quite a bit...but even so I keep coming back to my audiobooks.

Last week I picked up a book from my bookshelf that my sisters sent me for my 22nd birthday. It's called Esther: reflections from an unexpected life by Jennifer Spivey. I actually thought it was a study book when I picked it up, but as it so happens, it's actually a daily devotional. So far, I'm absolutely in love with this book. My mom did the Beth Moore study on Esther a couple of years ago, and ever since I've been dying to really dive into that book of scripture.

Last week I also renewed my library card so I could download more audiobooks on my iPhone to listen at work. Audiobooks that can be downloaded straight to the Overdrive app seem to be kind of limited, so I did a search for Karen Kingsbury books. I've never read any of her stuff, but I've heard good things about her books, so I decided to give one a try. I picked Oceans Apart, and so far I've hardly been able to take my headphones out :)

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you know that I struggle a lot with body image and self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find the balance of a healthier lifestyle. Two weeks ago I started "Insanity" in the mornings. I love it. Last week, I didn't do it once. I tend to be either all or nothing these days - but I'm really trying to find a balance.

Part of the reason that I didn't get up in the mornings last week was because of pure exhaustion. I was tired in every way possible: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I kind of walked around in a bit of a trance all week too - so working out at 6:00 a.m. was definitely not on my radar (even though every night I set my alarm like I was going to get up and work out).

Both books that I'm "reading" have really helped me cope with self-esteem/body image stuff as welly as my exhaustion.

First, a few quotes from Jennifer Spivey:

God is in complete control of His creation. He is continuously working to see His purposes come to pass. Even behind the scenes, sometimes seemingly hidden from human eyes, God is in control. His providence -- His ACTION -- is especially important to search for His providence and action during the book of Esther, as His name is never mentioned. (p. 25)

In every detail, in every moment, God is there loving you, encouraging you, rejoicing with you, grieving with you...The Word tells us that apart from Him, we can do nothing. (p. 25)

It is in the Lord that was find out freedom, and keeping this hope in our hearts will keep us free to worship and serve Him without fear. (p. 26)

God saw me where I was, and He was interested in drawing me closer to him...He had created me. God knew, as I did  not yet know, that my personality was a part of His creation. Somehow, even chatty and clumsy and laughably imperfect, God would be able to use me. The wrong expectation had created anxiety. The right expectation had created peace. (p. 26)

James compares the Word of God to a mirror, showing us what we are and who we are. The wrong kind of expectation can turn our focus away from the Lord, and make us forget what we are supposed to look like: we will "immediately forget what kind of man" or woman we are. (p. 26-27)

If you find your personal expectations or the expectation of those around you a hindrance [to His glory], let them go! (p. 27)

In His providence, you were created with a specific purpose. In His love, you will find the tools you  need to fulfill that purpose. (p. 27)

The Lord wanted them to focus on the NOW situation, and not be consumed with the sadness and fear that might overtake them during the captivity. (p. 32)

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you. (p. 33)

If praise from people can build you up, then disapproval from those same people can tear you down. (p. 33)

The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). It is so true. Please, friend, do not allow your life to be held captive by someone else's words: find your life in what the Lord has to say about you! (p. 34)

Even in emotional situations, getting some distance may mean gaining some perspective: stepping away for a period of time can make all the difference in the world. (p. 39)

Our God is sovereign. By definition, sovereign means supreme ruler, possessing ultimate power, able to act independently and without support or clearance from an outside source...Once we realize that God is sovereign, we must leave our lives in His hands. (p. 41)

If I had known beforehand what I would have had to walk through to receive the victory, I might have said, "NO THANKS!" and merely walked away, but God is more generous than to allow that. Sometimes, in this way, I can view my lack of information (lack of ability to judge my situation rightly) as a blessing in disguise...of course, there are are times (more often than I would like to admit!) when I allow that same lack of information to become a source of frustration. (pg. 41)

Okay, so maybe that was more than a few - but SO encouraging, right?

I won't tell you every little detail of the book by Karen Kingsbury, but I do want to touch on how I've related with it so far.

The basic storyline is that there's this married couple, completely in love. They have two daughters and their life together seems pretty perfect. His name is Connor and her name is Michelle. Then there's this single mom and 7-year-old boy who live across the country. The single mom dies in a plane crash early on in the book. Connor finds out that the little boy, Max, is actually his. He had an affair with Max's mom eight years before, but never knew that he'd gotten the girl pregnant, and didn't know that he had a son. He'd never told his wife about the affair because it was during a layover in Hawaii and he never saw or spoke to Max's mom again. So far, I think it's kind of a story of redemption and healing. There are a couple of relationships that are fine, but not great, and I think that by the end they'll all be restored - or at least that's what I'm hoping.

Here's where my feelings come in - 

Michelle immediately blames herself and the way she looks when she finds out about the affair. She thinks that if she had been thinner, had lost her baby weight, etc. that Connor would have stayed faithful to her. The book talks about her binge eating (eating an entire pack of Oreo's one day and drinking nothing but herbal tea the next and hiding food in her desk) and her on-again off-again dieting habits because of her lack of self-esteem and finding her identity in how she looks. At the beginning of the the book, before anything about the affair comes out, Connor thinks about how he loves how his wife looks, even though she's gained a little weight since they were married, he loves her and loves how she looks - to him, she is the MOST beautiful.

I'm at a point in my life where my expectations for myself just aren't realistic. If I were honest with myself, I would change about a dozen different things about my body if I could. I have a DEEP underlying fear that my fiance (almost husband) will someday wake up and find me unattractive after we get married - or worse - he'll find someone else that he's more attracted to than me. I can totally identify with Michelle - I would blame my weight and my outward appearance. (Note: Jason has never showed any sort of sign that he would ever do that, but it's just a fear that I have - no one freak out!)

I've already admitted several times in my blog that I'm an emotional eater. Here's something that I've realized though - I'm such an emotional eater that I actually emotionally eat because of my body-image issues! What the heck?!?

All of this just goes to show how out-of-whack our human perspective is. If I could do as Spivey said, and just gain some perspective, even in emotional situations, my life would probably look a lot different. I've also got to let go of the expectations that I have for myself. They're obviously dysfunctional and they're tearing me down.

Why am I writing about all of this today? Because I know I'm not the only one. The fact that BOTH books that I just happen to pick up and "read" right now talk about unrealistic and unbiblical expectations that women have on themselves. This tears us down and shows me that this is a common issue.

May we find rest in the power of His Word, His love, and His promises. There is hope in Christ, and there is confidence in Christ!

May we be freed from the darkness of our own expectations today.

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you.

Takin' Care of Business

WHOOHOO! We are in the double digits, people! After weeks and months of 100's of days until our wedding alerts, this makes it feel like it's actually within my reach! Using a race analogy, we're not quite to the sprinting point, but we're definitely picking up the pace because the finish line (or in this case, the beginning line) is in sight!

As excited as I am about this, I have to admit that it makes me a weeeeee bit anxious (I refuse to be stressed). While we have all of the big stuff booked, there are a lot of little details that we (I) still have to get in order before the big day. Looks like I'll be creating a to-do list like no other.

But it looks like this milestone day has come just in the nick of time. Last weekend, my family was in town for my sister's orientation and my parents were able to get a lot of wedding stuff done. They were able to confirm the order, drop off supplies, and talk to Olexa's about our cake. They were also able to figure out the bridesmaids brunch and our bouquets. This weekend, some of Jason's family is in town so we're figuring out the rehearsal dinner, figuring out the tux/suit situation, and shopping. Today, I ordered my dress for the rehearsal dinner.

So, as you can see, things are coming a long nicely! I guess I really don't have any reason to be stressed...or uh...anxious, right? We're takin' care of biznuss!

As fun as all this wedding planning is, I'm ready to experience a wedding other than my own. Next weekend Jason and I will be headed to beautiful North Carolina to see two of our friends get married. I am beyond excited for them and overly ecstatic for our little mini vacay!

Before I end today's post, let me take a moment to express my sincere gratitude for all of the fathers out there. Father's Day is a very special day. Not only do I have a wonderful dad, but I am also very blessed to be able to spend this Father's Day with my future father-in-law. Jason and I are so very blessed to have two amazing men in our lives who are there to guide us spiritually, physically, financially, and prayerfully through this new phase of life. My dad has never had a son before and Jason's dad has never had a daughter...I think we're both equally excited to officially become part of each others families in September!

Well, I better quit rambling and get to working on my to-do list! Have a great weekend everyone! Enjoy the sunshine & Happy Father's Day :)

“The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.” - Proverbs 23:24

Ever & Never Changing

When I started writing consistently, my primary focus was to share about my battle with food that I've struggled with for years and years. I've never labeled myself as a "writer" and I've never labeled this blog as a "health blog" or a "food blog". That was intentional. So I apologize, because even though I do have a recipe to share with all of you (complete with pictures), I'm not going to write about food today.

Life is messy and life is full of surprises. Some good, some bad, and some just...well...surprising. We grow, sometimes willfully and sometimes not so willfully. We stretch beyond our comfort zone through life transitions. And sometimes, we avoid transition at all costs.

Sometimes I'd really appreciate one of these!
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Usually, I'm pretty good with big change. My sister graduating high school has made me reminisce on my own high school graduation, and I didn't even cry about it once. I was super involved in my high school and I loved every moment of it, but I was ready for the the transition from high school to college. Graduating from college was tough because I loved Samford, my friends, and my college life so much, but in the end, I don't recall it being that difficult. I knew it was time to transition out of college and into the world.

Our lives are full of little changes and transitions, and if I'm honest, I don't deal with those as well as I do the big stuff. I think I handle the big stuff more gracefully because of the day-to-day plans that I make and the schedule I cling to. When I lose control of my day-to-day plans, I lose control of everything.

I am constantly reminded that I am not in control. I've written about it before. But when it feels like everything around me is in transition, and I'm having to get used to new thing after new thing, I put a death grip on my day-to-day plans -- I put a death grip on my ability to control.

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Lately, it seems as though nothing is the same day-to-day. Each day there's something new or something different. I'm combining the life that I've been building for 23 years with a man who's been building a separate life for 25 years. Do I want that? OF COURSE! I want nothing more than to get married on September 22nd to the man of my dreams, so please don't think I'm complaining. But I must admit (not for the first time and probably not for the last): this transition stuff is hard work.

Throughout this process, I know that God is sanctifying and stretching me. He's teaching me to die to myself. He's teaching me to let go of my comforts. He's teaching me to let someone else lead. He's teaching me to see the big picture, to gain some perspective rather than live in this valley of the unknown.
I know that scripture tells me each of these things is good and of the Lord. But scripture also teaches me about change.

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Scripture tells us that change in us is a good thing. 

When we become believers, the bible tells us that we are made new. 
"From now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh. Even though we once regarded Christ according to the flesh, we regard him thus no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come." - 2 Corinthians 5:16-17 

"I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed." - 1 Corinthians 15:50-52

God changes things according to His sovereign plan for us.

“Blessed be the name of God forever and ever,
     to whom belong wisdom and might.
He changes times and seasons;
     he removes kings and sets up kings;
he gives wisdom to the wise
     and knowledge to those who have understanding;
he reveals deep and hidden things;
     he knows what is in the darkness,
     and the light dwells with him."

 - Daniel 2:20-22

Our hearts are changed when we call upon the name of the Lord. 
“For at that time I will change the speech of the peoples
    to a pure speech,
that all of them may call upon the name of the Lord
    and serve him with one accord."
- Zephaniah 3:9  

Jesus' birth, life, ministry, death, and resurrection changed the course of history for the rest of eternity.  
"and they set up false witnesses who said, “This man never ceases to speak words against this holy place and the law, for we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and will change the customs that Moses delivered to us.” And gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel." - Acts 6:13-15

Scripture also tells us that there is One who will never change.

“For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed." - Malachi 3:6

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." - Hebrews 13:8


How glorious it is to know that God is sovereign over the change and transitions in our lives, and that will never change!! 

 

A Prayer of Contentment

I know you're thinking, "What?!?!? Two posts in one day? I don't have time for this kind of rambling, Jessica." But I promise that you will not be disappointed. If you never read anything else that I write, please read this post (mostly because it's mostly written by someone else).


I'm reading the book a book called Calm my Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow*. The book was actually recommended to me by a blog reader and friend after I posted the confessions post a few weeks ago. I have thoroughly enjoyed this book thus far (I'm only on chapter three...but I'm a slow reader).


This excerpt of the book is coming from Psalm 139. Take few minutes to read it (by clicking the link) and then read this quote from the book. You will not regret it!

According to Psalm 139, God not only created your personality, He also gave you your body. Verse 15 reads, “My frame was not hidden from Thee, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth” (NASB).

In Hebrew, the word translated wrought means “embroidered.” It was the same Hebrew word used to refer to the skillful and artistic needlework in the curtains of the Old Testament tabernacle. When God fashioned you in your mother’s womb (described in the psalm as “the depths of the earth”), He embroidered with great skill. Although no one else could see you, God saw every detail of the formation of your body. As a weaver intricately embroiders colors together to create a beautiful pattern, God knit together your veins, muscles, nerves, and every curve and indentation that is uniquely yours. What tapestry can begin to equal the human fabric?

Perhaps you think other female tapestry is beautiful, but not yours. “I don’t like my nose, my hips, my breasts. In fact I really don’t like much about me.” All of us could list things we’d like changed about ourselves. But if we are displeased with our physical form, we’re really arguing with He is responsible for the color of our hair and the size of our nose and whether we have cellulite.

I’m not surprised that so many women struggle over their personal appearance. The values of our American culture are warped. We’re constantly bombarded with pressure created by the media to have a “perfect” body. This emphasis is wrong and unbiblical. As Christian women, we know this perspective is twisted, yet how easy it is to get caught up in the deadly disease of comparison.

My husband, Jody, believes that women look at other women more than men look at women. This may sound strange, but I think he’s right. We women analyze, scrutinize, and compare to see how we stack up to the supermodel in her skimpy bathing suit. I never come out looking very good. When we compare ourselves with others, we’re told we are without understanding. The Living Bible says we are “stupid” (2 Corinthians 10: 12).

Several years ago I read an article by the Reverend James Hufstetler** that put the comparison game in perspective.

You will never really enjoy other people, you will never have stable emotions, you will never lead a life of godly contentment, you will never conquer jealousy and love others as you should until you thank God for making you the way He did.

God wants each of us to praise Him for His workmanship in creating us.

George MacDonald***, the man C. S. Lewis called his mentor, wrote,

I would rather be what God chose to make me than the most glorious creature that I could think of; for to have been thought about, born in God’s thought, and then made by God, is the dearest, grandest, and most precious thing in all thinking.


This is a prayer of contentment.

*Dillow, Linda (2012-01-05). Calm My Anxious Heart: A Woman's Guide to Finding Contentment with Bonus Content . Navpress. Kindle Edition. 

**James Hufstetler, “On Knowing Oneself,” The Banner of Truth 280 (January 1987), p. 13.


***by J. R. Miller in a printed message, “Finding One’s Mission” (Swengel, PA: Peiner Publications, n.d.), p. 2.

These are my Confessions

Last night a couple of things happened.

1. My internet went out from 8:00 in the evening until I went to bed.
2. Jason called to get Charter to fix my internet...without me asking him to (he gets major points for this).
3. I ate lots of pistachios before dinner.
4. I watched TV for about four hours.
5. I had a relapse. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I relapsed.

This morning I woke and felt how I suppose Peter felt in Matthew 14 when Jesus walks on water.

Matthew 14:28-33 says, "And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.'  Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

Last night as I sat on my couch digging into a pint of ice cream, I felt like a hypocrite. But as I went to bed a few hours later, I realized that this was bound to happen and God will definitely use my lack of self-control for His glory. 

Here's what happened:

I've been waking up every morning and weighing myself. Yesterday, I weight myself and instead of being down another pound or so, I was up two pounds. I thought to myself, "That's okay, just keep on being healthy and it'll be fine." But really, I was kind of freaking out.

So throughout the day, I snacked more than I usually do on things like M&M's. Not a lot of M&M's, just a few here or there. Then, when I got home, I wanted a few pistachios; I ate the rest of the bag. Then, I made dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Then, I wanted something sweet so I poured some strawberry Greek yogurt into a bowl and mixed in a teaspoon of Nutella. Then, I ate the rest of the Nutella that was in the jar (it wasn't much, but I literally cleaned it out). Then, I still wasn't satisfied, so I grabbed my emergency pint of TCBY frozen yogurt that I bought in case I wanted a TASTE of something sweet. I ate the whole thing. Then I had a pity party, watched more TV, got mad at Charter, and went to bed.  

My really large stack of pistachio shells and my leftovers from Tuesday night.

What the heck? I ate fruits and veggies AND tomatoes last week and withstood tons of temptation! What was I doing? 

Nutella is a problem.

I wasn't having faith. I forgot that God is in control and I forgot that my life is completely in his hands...even this! I forgot that I'm in a spiritual battle here.  

Notice the negative calories at the top.

I then remembered that I've always done this. I'd be good at being healthy for a week or two, and then I would start questioning God, "Why do I have to work at this so hard? Why can't I look like her, or her, or even her?" Last night wasn't about the food or the calories I consumed, it was about relapsing into my lack of faith.  

Here's the difference between the dozens of times I've done this in the past and today: it's not a secret. 

Luke 12:2-3 says, "Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops."

James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." 

These verses directly point to the fact that I must not hide my weakness, or my sin. I know it sounds extreme to say that by eating Nutella and ice cream in the same night, I'm sinning. But as I said, it's not about the food, it's about a lack of faith.  

I know that I am not in the battle alone. So won't you pray with me and for me today?

How can I pray for you? None of us are in alone. 

Today is also the National Day of Prayer. 

Let us stand strong as the body of Christ and take our ramblings to our heavenly Father, for he cares for us deeply.  

*For more background information on my lifelong battle with a healthy lifestyle, read here. 

A Thing of the Past

Oh May oh my.  May is just one of those months that I love. One reason is that it's my birthday month. But I also love May because it usually comes with endings and new beginnings. School years end, and summer begins. It marks the beginning of things we look forward to.

Speaking of ending seasons and new beginnings, Jason leaves for the last run of the tour tomorrow. I am sincerely sad to see this season ending, because I know that it has meant so much to him, therefore it's meant a lot to me, but it's also helped us to grow in our relationship in ways I could never have imagined.

BUT, I'm am sure glad that he will be back in Birmingham full-time.

Since Jason has been gone so much, we always do a "Monday Date Night" because that's the only night he's always in town. Sometimes that means cooking and staying in and watching a movie. Sometimes they're big extravagant dates to nice restaurants and a little something out of the ordinary. Usually it's dinner and a movie at one of our local favorites. 

Last night was our last necessary "Monday Date Night" and we sure did end this season with a great date! Not that all of you are dying to know what Jason and I did on our date, but we actually got a lot accomplished and had a great time!

It all started with some pretty "May" flowers.

Then a BOGO meal at Genghis Grill (my meal was full of veggies, chicken, and shrimp).

Then we ventured over to the Galleria Mall. First we went to Sears to look at washers and dryers as well as TVs. No purchases, but we got some fun ideas.

Jason picked out his wedding band and I bought it. We also took my wedding band to get re-shanked, re-sized, and re-newed (I'm using my grandmother's 67-year-old wedding band that I was given on my 16th birthday as a purity ring).

After that we walked down to Starbucks so I could get some herbal tea and Jason decided to try a coffee drink...and he loved it!

We went to sit down at a table and just talk and hang out for a few minutes, and Jason gave me an early birthday present...beautiful pearl earrings!

After the mall we went across the street to Barnes & Noble. One of our favorite things to do together is just go into a bookstore and browse for a bit, grab some magazines, and then sit and relax. Jason looked through some entertainment magazine. Meanwhile, I looked through two wedding magazines...no surprise there!

After that we went to look at the place where Jason will be living for the summer. A family that we know in Birmingham has generously offered their guestroom and basement area for Jason to live in this summer. Since both of our leases end in June, Jason was in a hard position because he didn't need to renew his lease because we're getting married three and a half months later. I'm renewing my lease, because when we get married, we're going to live in my apartment (or I guess it's really our apartment). When we told this family about our living situation, the graciously offered their guest area and we are so blessed by them!

We even timed the distance on the way home from their house to find out how far it is from my apartment...15 minutes at the most. Not bad at all! It's also super close to The Summit (that's where Jason will be working once he's home full-time).

All in all, we had the most wonderful last necessary "Monday Date Night"! Next Monday is my birthday, so I guess the tradition will live on a little bit longer, but at least Jason won't have to leave a couple days later!

I'll quit rambling and leave you with a bit of truth:

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Day 5 (Part 1): Wednesday Wake-Up Call

Is it just me or is this week going by pretty slow? It's probably because I've got my sights set on Saturday...for many reasons. Reuniting with coffee is definitely up there on the list, but I'm also going to be at my parent's house this weekend in Destin and I'll be wedding dress shopping (finally)! So the days seem to linger on a little more than I'd like, but it's definitely given me a lot of time to reflect.

I've never been one to put my deepest feelings on the internet. You won't find any posts from me on Facebook that passive-aggressively hint (or rather directly point) to a fight or argument I've had with Jason or my mom. There aren't any notes of deep seeded feelings about life and how I need to pursue more make some big life altering change.

But...in doing this cleanse and having time to reflect on how I'm feeling, whether or not I'm hungry, and deciding if I'm going to pass out or not (that's a joke, kind of) and through all of this over the last four days, I've realized something about myself that is important for anyone reading my blog to reflect on themselves.

Self-image issues are something that haunt most woman, and unfortunately many teenage girls as well. Most of us don't like to admit it, but it's true. I'm not claiming to have a cure for loving yourself better or looking your best tomorrow, but I do think that I've come to realize something important that will truly change my life, and hopefully yours.

Are you ready for it?

Here it is...

God is in control. 

Simple, right? You'd think that. But it's undoubtedly the most complex and complicated thing for me to grasp. I'm always trying to take over!

If you read my first blog leading up to the cleanse (read it here), you'll see that I've always struggled with my weight. I remember being in second grade and looking around at the kids in P.E. and wondering why I couldn't run as fast as they could, and why my stomach was rounder than theirs. In middle school, I cheered and danced on my school's Cheer/Dance Team and I wore the little cheerleading and dance outfits, but I was also so uncomfortable going out to perform in front of my peers. I remember when my team ordered new cheerleading outfits and I had one of the biggest skirts. Looking back at that point in my life, I wasn't fat, or even really chubby, I'm just curvy. I realize that now, but as we all know, in the moment (and especially at 13 when I just wanted to fit in) I was so hard on myself and I wondered why I could not overcome this. In high school, I quit cheering and dancing to pursue other extracurricular activities and I started gaining weight fast. My mom let me have a personal trainer for a little while just so I could learn the correct way to work out and exercise. At that time, TrimSpa was really popular for girls at my high school to take and they lost weight fast, but it was not in any way healthy. I think my mom feared that I would do that, so she was trying to cut me off before I got to that point.

Here's where things got tricky. No matter what I did, I could not lose the weight. Over the course of about a year I gained 30-40 pounds. I was a 16-year-old girl, growing up in Destin on the beach, and I hated the way I looked in a swim suit. So, my mom started taking me to doctors. To make a long story short, about a year later I found out that I'm insulin resistant. From the moment I found out, I knew that my whole life it would always be harder for me to lose weight. And boy was I right.

College was a combination of ups and downs with my weight. This is when I realized that I have issues with food and exercise. I'm a fixer, and I like instant results. If I run for a week, I want to reap the benefits of it. I want to see more muscle and less fat by the end of the day. Obviously, I know that's not how it works, but I've never been satisfied with this whole waiting and keep working thing.

I also learned in college that I'm an emotional eater. The summer/fall of my sophomore year at Samford was the smallest and healthiest I've probably been since I was 14. I was running about three or four days a week and I was eating really healthy. Then, around Thanksgiving that year, my family started facing a lot of persecution and going through the biggest trial of our lives. I began eating for pleasure and comfort rather than eating for energy and I gained all of my weight back...and then some.

For the most part, that leads us to now. Now I'm just shy of 23-years-old and I'm getting married in less than five months. Now, I am the biggest I've ever been and I don't understand why. I eat healthy, or at least fairly healthy. I exercise pretty regularly. Why can't I lose weight?

This question has literally been haunting me for months.

Last night I was reading Matthew 15 and 16. Those are the passages of scripture that talk about what defiles a person, Jesus feeds the four thousand, the Sadducees and Pharisees demand signs, Peter confesses Jesus as the Christ, and the call for us to take up our cross and follow Jesus. Nothing about weight loss or self-esteem in there. Right? Well, no, not directly.

Here's what stuck out to me though: the story of the Canaanite woman. This woman was not Jewish, but she is asking Jesus to heal her daughter of a demon. Jesus basically just states that he was sent for the people of Israel (the Jewish people). He uses and analogy of taking children's bread and giving it to the dogs. But here's where it gets good.

Matthew 15:27-28 says, "She said, “Yes, Lord, yet even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table.” Then Jesus answered her, “O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you desire.” And her daughter was healed instantly."

I'm not claiming to have an issue like this woman's. And I'm not expecting for Jesus to just say a few words and for me to be at my ideal weight or size. But, I do want Jesus to look at his daughter, Jessica Sansom, and say, "O woman, great is your faith!" Honestly, that is my deepest desire. 

For me, a healthy lifestyle and losing weight a physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual battle. There are not many things in my life that come this difficult for me, but this is certainly one of them. 

I've always known this was a physical battle. When I found out that that I am insulin resistant, I realized that it was a mental battle. In college when my family was facing persecution and trials I realized it was an emotional battle. But just now I'm realizing that this is a spiritual battle. 

This this brings me to the "call to action" so to speak. What am I going to do about this? How will I fight this battle? 

Well, I'm going to pray first. I'm going to seek God. I'm going to dive into his Word. And then I'm going to be obedient. 


I know that this blog post has been long and you probably know way more about me than you'd ever care to. But I hope and pray with everything in me that this post touches and helps at least one other person. 


Like I said, we all have image and self-esteem issues. Whether or not they dominate our thoughts, minds, or lives is irrelevant. Or maybe your biggest issues aren't self-esteem or self-image, but rather something else. But regardless of what they are, have you given your issues to God? Have you called out to him? Have you accepted that he is in control and is sovereign over you and over your life?


For once, I need to stop rambling and just pray. Will you be in prayer with me today?

Monday Morning Mission

This morning I thought I would start off by sharing a psalm. Sometimes, especially on Mondays, I forget that I am not in control. 

It is my mission this week to remember that God is not only the creator of the universe and sovereign over all, but he's the creator of ME and he's sovereign over MY LIFE!

That is something to praise him for!

Psalm 46:8-11 says:

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
    how he has brought desolations on the earth. 
  He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
    he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
     he burns the chariots with fire. 
  “Be still, and know that I am God.
     I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth!”
  The Lord of hosts is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

What is your mission this Monday?