24 Day Challenge Results

So here we are on June 25th. I officially have completed Advocare's 24 Day Challenge. I want to share my results with you in an honest, transparent, and practical way. So here we go...

My "start" photo from the first week of the 24 DC

Background:

I've tried SO many "diets". The summer before 9th grade, my mom became a member of Weight Watchers. Obviously, I didn't join, but sometimes I'd go to the meetings with her just to listen, and she definitely changed the way she cooked for my dad, my sisters, and me. As a result, I lost about 15 lbs. Before you get all freaked out about a 14 year old losing that much weight, I promise, I had it to lose. For the first, and maybe only time in my life, I felt skinny.

Later in high school, as my body continued to change, I gained some weight. In college, I was up and down and all over the place. I tried diet after diet looking for a "quick fix". I had a problem and I wanted someone to give me a solution.

This, paired with the fact that I'm insulin resistant, means that I've been on a very frustrating, and at times gruesome uphill battle for about 10 years. I'm the product of someone who is constantly worried about the way I look, how my clothes fit, and as I've said before on my blog, I always make sure that I mentioned my weight first (usually as some sort of joke) to make sure that people know I realize my own size.

What they don't know is how aware of it I am. It haunts me. And it has haunted me for years and years and years. But in May, on my 24th birthday, I realized that I was heaviest, most out of shape, and largest I'd ever been.

So, when I saw a friend posting stuff about the Advocare 24 Day Challenge on Instragram, we began talking about it. After talking to Jason, we came up with a plan to pay for it, and I began the challenge. Day 1 for me was June 1st, so it was pretty easy to keep track of where I was in the process according to the date.

My Expectations:

When I began the 24DC, I was still in "quick fix" mode. I saw how the weight fell off of my friend and I wanted to see the same results. After the cleanse phase, I'd lost about 4lbs. I promised myself that I would not measure until I completed the challenge because I was afraid of getting discouraged and giving up. So I celebrated my 4lb. loss and decided to keep going. And I did.

My Reality:

Before I give you my results, I want to point out a few things. If anyone reading this is walking through a weight loss journey, I want to be clear that most important thing to focus on is not the number on a scale or the notch on a tape measure - the most important thing is being honest with yourself about your reality.

So here's mine:

• I'm 5 feet tall. 5 lbs. on me (either gained or lost) looks a lot different that 5 lbs. on someone who is even 4 or 5 inches taller than me.
• I'm insulin resistant. I have to work twice four times harder than the average person to lose any weight at all because my body literally has a physiological irregularity. I'm not just an average person trying to lose weight.
• I have a lot of encouragement and many partners in this. I already mentioned my friend who told me about the 24DC. She was so encouraging along the way and I know she will continue to be. We're shaped similarly, and it's been nice to have honest conversations about things we struggled with in college that we never really talked about. If I had to guess, we both just kind of stuck our head in the sand about our weight and pretended we were okay with the way things were.
  I also have Jason. He's been on his own journey with weight loss and just overall general health. Going from the "single guy" lifestyle of lots of meals out, fast food, and cooking easy and convenient things, to married life with a wife who is obsessed with trying to eat healthier, has kind of prompted him to find what foods are best for him. He's also allergic to milk, so he's been testing his limits and realized that his limit is much smaller than he previously thought.
  Last, I have my mom. A few weeks into the 24DC she texted me and said that she wanted to walk through this journey together. She joined myfitnesspal.com and we've been holding each other accountable to eat the right amount of calories, eat the right kind of food, and exercise. I cannot describe in words (without crying at my computer) how much it has meant to me, in this stage of life, to have my mom come alongside me in this.
• I have a sedentary lifestyle. As much as I hate to admit it, I do. I work at a desk for 8 hours a day. I get up and walk around some here and there, but not enough compared to how much I used to walk around campus in college or activities that kept me moving in high school. I cannot change the fact that I have a desk job, but I need to be honest with myself about what that means for me and how vital it is for me to intentionally exercise each day in some way!
• I REALLY love sweets. Like, it's bad. I will eat something that I don't even like that much just for the sheer fact that it's sweet and it satisfies my sweet tooth craving. That's something that I'll ALWAYS battle. I will never look at a cookie and say, "Eh, I'll pass. That just really doesn't look good." It can be the grossed looking cookie ever, and the only way that I'll restrain myself is if I am aware of my craving and talk myself out of it by making a healthier choice that will satisfy my hunger. 
• I'm 24 years old. My body has changed over the years just in the ways it's shaped. I don't need to worry about fitting into clothes from high school or even early college. Those days are gone...and really...what 24 year old woman really wants the body of a teenager?

My Results:

I want to break my results into two parts. I know some of you may be thinking, "Oh my gosh, this is the longest post ever and there aren't any pictures. I don't care that much about your life Jessica!" I don't really blame you. This is long. But for someone who might struggle with the same things, it's important for me to write everything that I need to communicate.

For me, weight loss is WAY more mental and emotional than it is physical. I know, that's crazy and probably impossible. Some people say that it's all math. If you burn more calories than you eat. then you lose weight. Simple if/than statement, right? WRONG. For me, there is nothing simple about losing weight. My mind and my emotions get in the way and make everything way more complicated. I believe it's important to celebrate, pay attention to, and acknowledge the emotional side of this thing just as much, if not more, than the physical.

Physical Results:

I lost right at 6 pounds and 5 inches. Basically what that means is that my "big clothes" are fitting better. I'm not slipping into my "skinny jeans" - in fact I haven't even tried. The those that are the size that I was when I started the 24DC are looser, but they're not falling off. As I said before, I was hoping for a quick fix and I thought that at the end of this, I'd slip on my jeans and they would fall right off. Not the case, but hey, it's only been 24 days.

As far as my physical results in terms of how in shape I am, that's improved a lot. This morning I walked the fastest 5K that I've ever walked. My overall health is improving, and that's a win in my book!

Mental/Emotional Results:

Until last night, I didn't even think that I was going to write about my results because I was ashamed that I didn't lose more weight or shrink any more inches. As I was talking to Jason, he said, "So if you lose 6 lbs. every month, over the course of a year, that's 72 lbs. Wait, you don't need to lose that much...please don't do that!" It hit me that 6 lbs. is GOOD. That's about 2 lbs. a week. If I lost more than that in a week, I probably wouldn't be doing something that is maintainable.

Saturday night as I was getting ready for dinner I realized something; I felt more confident. I slipped into a little red sleeveless sundress that I bought back in May. I accessorized with some cute jewelry and a new headband I got from Target. I was the only one home, and I sat down for a minute and starred at my closet. I wear a cardigan of some sort with 100% of my sleeveless dress/tops. I stood up, and looked in my full length mirror. For the first time in a LONG time, I just looked at myself and thought, "I look really cute." (Usually, my response is more of, "Cute outfit, but oh my gosh my arms and my calves are hideous!") Then, I grabbed my purse and headed out the door  - WITHOUT a cardigan.

After that, I went to The Summit to pick Jason up from work. When I got there, I parked, and while I was waiting for him, I texted my mom and said, "When I eat healthy and exercise, I'm automatically more confident in the way I look. I know I'm not at my goal, or even close to it, but I know that there's nothing more that I could be doing. I'm living as healthy as possible, and that makes me feel good about myself." 

To me, that's a bigger victory than losing a pound a day or an inch a day. That text that I sent my mom is a more truthful result than any scale or tape measure can give me.

What Now?

The challenge is over, so what do I do now? Nothing.

I'm going to keep eating the exact same way. I've still got my booklet and I'm going to follow all of the food directions that come in it. I'm not going to do the intensive supplements and stuff because they're only made to do for 24 days every few months, but that doesn't mean that I change the way I'm eating. In fact, I love the way I'm eating now. It's basically my spin on clean eating - and it keeps me full, it keeps me satisfied, and I'm pretty sure it's helped my metabolism.

I'm going to give myself milestones along the way. Will I eat cake on Jason's birthday? Heck yeah! Will I eat dessert once a week because I'm really just craving something sweet? Nope. I've learned that it helps me to plan ahead. I can say no to a boxed cookie every day for a month knowing that in July, I will celebrate my husband's birthday with him and eat some delicious cake. I've chosen to be picky about my sweets. Quality must trump quantity when it comes to all foods. 

As far as exercising...I'm a walker now. I've fallen in love with it. I love a nice long walk in the morning or evening. One great thing about it is that it just gets me moving without having to think about it. Especially in the evenings when nothing is on TV, Jason and I can go walk for any distance or any length of time and have the same conversation we'd have inside sitting on the couch. I'm a horrible runner. It hurts, and not the good kind of hurt. It hurts my bones and my joints. If I wake up in the morning at 5:00 a.m. and know that I've got to go run, I'm going to press snooze until 6:30 every single time. If I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and know that I get to go listen to a podcast, wake up outside, and watch the sun come up over Birmingham while walking, I'm about 99% more likely to not press snooze.

I also love Zumba. I've come to realize that over the last few weeks. Unfortunately, my gym only offers it on Tuesday nights and Saturdays, but I plan on making those classes as much as possible. It's really fun and it releases a lot of nervous energy that I have pent up for working at a desk all day. It really just takes my mind off of anything stressful for about 55 minutes. Really, what more can you ask for?

Looking Forward:

My goal is to do this for a year. I began the 24DC on June 1st, and I want to make eating healthy and exercising my focus and priority for the next 11 months. My hope is that by June 1, 2014, I'll be at a weight and size that I'm happy with and that I can maintain. This is long a long term goal and there's nothing about it that can be a "quick fix". I don't need fixing, I just need to be healthy. 

Jesus is the bread...so take those rolls off the dinner table!

Sitting in a booth, sharing a bagel with my mom, I was faced with a new reality. We drank our coffee, shared a snack, and caught up with each other - this was nothing out of the ordinary. Since my junior year of high school, this was our routine. Even so, there was something different this time.

Here’s a little background information -

Two years ago (and around the time of this mother/daughter coffee date), as a recent college graduate, I lost about 20 pounds. Standing at only 5 feet tall with a curvy frame, 20 pounds made a huge difference in the way I looked and felt.

I was the girl crash dieting and forcing myself into the gym since early high school. I was the girl constantly tugging at her clothes and explaining my weight anytime I got the chance, just to make sure that I acknowledged my less-than-perfect body before anyone else did. So after months of cutting out all the wrong foods and fueling myself with all the right foods, my mom was curious as to why a bagel was my choice of snack that warm August afternoon.

I don’t think that my mom meant for her words to impact me very much or change my whole outlook – but I’m glad that they did. I truly believe that she had a genuine curiosity about the maintenance phase of my weight loss plan. But as she questioned, and I answered back with some vague excuse, her next words hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Have you ever considered that your battle with self-esteem, food, and your weight is more of a spiritual battle than anything else?” she asked.

Quietly, I muttered, no. Over the next few weeks, I contemplated this question almost constantly. I obsessed on it because I felt so silly for never even considering that all of these years that I’ve struggled and been overly self-conscience, I never once thought to give this “issue” to the Lord.

Why I hadn’t I? When I began dating my husband, which was about a year before this, I prayed daily that God would allow us to connect mentally/intellectually (when we began dating), spiritually (as we grew together as a couple), emotionally (as things became more serious and we started talking about marriage), and physically (after we wed). Now, all four of these things are all extremely vital to building, maintaining, and enjoying our marriage. I think that at some point in my life I just concluded that these four things made up every aspect of our person. So why then, did I not apply these same principles, including the spiritual aspect, to my only real consistent and long-term strife?

Although the answer really doesn’t matter as much as the subsequent action, I realized over time that the answer really boils down to a deep rooted fear. I feared letting go of control.  But, as I just said, identifying the problem is really only the first step. The important thing is how to change the problem.

Therefore, in a day where young women are living in an over saturated, media-based culture that forces us to see its idea what beautiful looks like, I want to extend a white flag of surrender for those who are just tired of trying.

My advice to you is not to quit, but rather, loosen your grip a little bit; let go. Here are some ways that I’ve learned to balance my struggle in a healthier way.

•  Physically - The most obvious way to take action on a struggle with self-esteem, food, and weight is by taking a physical action. I’m not a medical professional, so I’ll just give you basic ideas that I’ve learned from experience. Eat foods that come from nature. The means a diet that contains higher protein and fiber and lower in carbohydrates, sugar, and processed foods. Exercise as much as possible, but make it fun. If you like running, add some fun music to your workout playlist. If you hate running, join a gym that offers classes like cycling, kickboxing, or step aerobics. Exercise with your friends or your significant other and challenge each other; a little competition is always exciting. I’ve even started wearing a pedometer to work, and I try to compete with myself each day to see if I can find ways to walk more just by showing up at work.

•  Mentally/Intellectually - For me, this is the easiest way to conquer my issue. I read a lot of health blogs, exercise blogs, and articles on health and wellness. Sometime I enjoy reading books on health and exercise, but many times books promote fad diets, and I try to steer clear of those. Find a few blogs that you like, and follow them regularly. The beneficial thing about a blog is that it’s a real person writing, so usually it offers encouragement as well as tips, advice, and ideas. I’m reading a book right now that was suggested to me by one of my friends/blog readers called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I recommend it to anyone who struggles with “eating your feelings” as I like to call it. Here’s one (of many) quote from it that truly stuck out to me: “But, if I allowed my brain to park in a place of dissatisfaction about any part of my body, it would give Satan just enough room to move in with his lie that strips me of motivation: ‘Your body is never going to look the way you want it to look, so why sacrifice so much? Your discipline is in vain.’” Honestly, I could probably quote the whole book, but that would make this post completely irrelevant – so go buy the book and read it for yourself!

•  Emotionally - Incorporating an emotional aspect to battling against my weight and food is almost as hard for me as incorporating a spiritual side. It’s really tough for me to be vulnerable enough with myself to face what I like to call, “The Why’s”. Why am I so drawn to eat things that I know in my head are not good for me? Why am I sitting on the couch talking on the phone or watching TV when I can be walking around the neighborhood talking on the phone or listening to music? Why do I crave unhealthy foods when I’m mad/upset/hurt/sad? Why do I buy things at the grocery store that I know will be tempting to me, even though I’ve been eating so good all week long? Honestly, this list could go on and on, and I’m sure that everyone’s list will be a variance of “The Why’s”. Many times it’s easy to find a surface level answer, but to dig beneath the surface gets messy. I for one don’t like to face the reason for why I turn to food for comfort, or why I remain sedentary when I get home from a sedentary job. It’s painful, and many times the conclusion that I come to is that my strength, will power, and efforts will never be enough for me to make real progress in this area of my life. Which leads to my next point...

•  Spiritually - If you look throughout the bible, there are subtle, but clear references to food in relation to sin. Eve ate the apple and the Israelites freaked out because they were running out of food, just to name a few. But, as a beautiful picture of restoration, the bible also uses images of food to encourage us. When Jesus is tempted in the desert, the adversary tempts him with food, yet Jesus says that no man can live by bread alone. In the gospel of John, Jesus declares, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst” (John 6:35). Jesus also meets the physical need of people when he feeds the 5,000 before he feeds them spiritually in Matthew 14. So, why then do we not cast our burden - our answers to “The Why’s” on our Lord and Savior? Do we think that our food issues or our weight issues are too petty for God? Do we think that we should be strong enough to accomplish our weight loss goal on our own? Or, do we deny that we even have a problem? Something that I’ve learned is that the moment I replace God with food, I’m not only sinning, but I have a problem that needs fixing by the Holy Spirit. When I’m offered a job, my husband and I celebrate by going out to eat. The last time that this happened, it took me almost a day to stop and praise God for providing a job for me. When I’m upset about something, I’ll justify a bowl of ice cream after dinner and a skipped day at the gym, but it might take me hours or even days to bring whatever I’m upset about before the Lord. Does any of this sound familiar? This issue of self-esteem, food, and weight is intricately connected with our relationship with God. Treat it that way and give it the validity in your prayers that its due.

As I look back on the last two years of my life, I almost start to laugh at how it looks. I’d love to tell you that I’m where I want to be and that the truth that my mom presented to me that day over coffee and a bagel has whipped me into shape and now I’m exactly where I want to be. But the reality of this truth that she spoke is that it’s a journey. It’s a spiritual journey, and I don’t pretend that I have all the answers. But I will admit that since that day, things have been different for me because God used my mom as a vessel to reveal something important to me and it finally clicked. My hope and my prayer is that, at the least, is that you’re encouraged by reading this. I’d love for this to be that epiphany moment and you’re literally staring at your computer right now with your hand on your forehead saying, “Man, why didn’t I see this before?!” If that’s the case, I’m thankful that God has used a simple girl like me, and I pray that he receives glory for it all.

That seems to about cover all I had to say today.
So then...
I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome.

Getting Things in Order

I started blogging consistently a little less than a year ago. My blogging journey started when I decided to participate in a week-long cleanse before I went wedding dress shopping. I blogged about the cleanse, my battle that I've always had with my weight vs. self-esteem, the changes that I've made in my diet and exercise over the years, and finally, my decision to bring a doctor into the mix.

Wedding dress shopping...post-cleanse.

After about 6 months of blogging about this topic (among others), I've had some difficulty writing this blog. I sit down to write, and I think about what's going on in my life. Things have settled down some for Jason and me as far as traveling and big life changes. I like writing about marriage and being a newlywed and the emotions/hurdles/joys that brings, but I don't want this to be a blog that is solely about that. When I think about my life, the constant struggle that I have is my weight and self-esteem. But yet, I haven't been able to bring myself to write about it since October. So, as of today, I'm going back to where this blog began and I'm going to give you an update.

As always, I don't write this just so people know what's going on with my life. I write this in hopes that someone who reads this might take comfort in identifying with me, find hope in the truth that we are all God's creation no matter our struggles, and maybe even take steps to identify the source of their frustration/worries/hardship.

Before I update you, if you haven't read about my journey to find answers, take a look at this blog post.

Right before Thanksgiving, I went back to my doctor to have some follow-up blood work done. After Thanksgiving, Jason accompanied me to the doctor to hear the results. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and PCOS (to find out about what in the world that means, click here). After high school, I didn't really pursue any treatment for it, but I've always just aimed to eat a low carb/high protein diet and exercise. I knew that losing weight would be an uphill battle for me. In college, things were kind of up and down when it came to my weight and self-esteem (read more about my battle here). Then, post college, working a sedentary job, being on a budget, and falling victim to lots and lots of life changes has put me at the highest weight, most out of shape, and lowest self-esteem I've ever experienced.

My feelings x 100

Now, for the results. My doctor informed me that my insulin levels had spiked. They were definitely in the high range, but I'm not diabetic (yet). He said that my results were consistent with insulin resistance and PCOS. He put me on an appetite suppressant for 3-6 months, told me to follow the nutrition rules he gave me over the summer, and increase my exercise. After 6 months, he is planning on putting me on a medication that will help keep my insulin levels down.

Honestly, I was satisfied with those results. I'd been praying that I would get some sort of answer, but that nothing HORRIBLE would be wrong with me. This, was definitely a manageable result and all in all an answered prayer.

Month One: December went pretty well. Although we were crazy busy, I managed to lose about 5-6 pounds. I was down 8 pounds, but then Christmas happened. My doctor told me at my one month check-in that he was happy with how things were going. Me, being the crazy over-achiever that I am, didn't think I'd done enough though.

Month Two: January was weird. About a week into January, I went to another doctor who I've been seeing for about 5 years. She got onto me about my weight and challenged me to get back into running and aim for 150 minutes of medium-high intensity exercise a week. My month two check-in was yesterday, and my doctor wasn't super stoked about my results. I got about 1-2 pounds off, but we all know I can do a lot better. We talked about my goals and I clearly realized something: I've got to work harder.

Eating pretty healthy doesn't cut it right now. Exercising when I have time or when I feel like it is not enough. I've got to eat really good. I've got to get out and sweat. I can't make compromises or talk myself out of this thing. I can't settle. This is no longer just a physical desire to look better or be skinnier - this is a health issue and it's about time that I start acting like it.

Obviously, I have some ideas of what I'm going to do to work harder in mind. I completed day one of week two of the Couch to 5K running plan last night. Talk about humbling. I used to be able to run at least a mile and a half without having to walk...even if I hadn't run in a while. Now, after about a minute, everything hurts. But, I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm determined to accomplish this and not quit. I also want to do some sort of weight training 1-2 days a week in addition to my running plan. If you have ideas, let me know. I also am cutting back on my sugars. I usually just look at the carbs that I'm taking in, but I haven't ever paid enough attention to the amount of sugar that foods have. Time to start. My goal is to not eat any refined carb/sugar after lunch, and any carbs/sugars that I do eat need to be whole grain or natural (coming either from dairy or fruit).

Will someone people buy this in mural size for me?

Yesterday went well, but it's going to be an uphill battle. Fortunately, I have a great support system in Jason and I'm thankful for that. I'll keep my blog readers posted (haha, pun intended) on my progress along the way. Please be praying for discipline and grace for me through this.

Last, but certainly not least, I love hearing from people who read this. Whether it's encouragement, ideas, questions, or just a random comment, it really is all great. Community is so important and I want to know how I can be praying/encouraging you as well! 

I know this is long, so thanks for hanging in there and reading to the end :)

I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome

What I've Been "Reading"

So, I guess I'll let the cat out of the bag - I'm a big fan of audiobooks.

I love reading, but with a 8:30-5:00 job, planning a wedding, extra work with the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes, a fiance who I'd like to give my attention to, and somewhat of a TV addiction, reading doesn't happen as often as I'd like. A couple of months ago I bought a Kindle e-reader. I love it, and I've used it quite a bit...but even so I keep coming back to my audiobooks.

Last week I picked up a book from my bookshelf that my sisters sent me for my 22nd birthday. It's called Esther: reflections from an unexpected life by Jennifer Spivey. I actually thought it was a study book when I picked it up, but as it so happens, it's actually a daily devotional. So far, I'm absolutely in love with this book. My mom did the Beth Moore study on Esther a couple of years ago, and ever since I've been dying to really dive into that book of scripture.

Last week I also renewed my library card so I could download more audiobooks on my iPhone to listen at work. Audiobooks that can be downloaded straight to the Overdrive app seem to be kind of limited, so I did a search for Karen Kingsbury books. I've never read any of her stuff, but I've heard good things about her books, so I decided to give one a try. I picked Oceans Apart, and so far I've hardly been able to take my headphones out :)

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you know that I struggle a lot with body image and self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find the balance of a healthier lifestyle. Two weeks ago I started "Insanity" in the mornings. I love it. Last week, I didn't do it once. I tend to be either all or nothing these days - but I'm really trying to find a balance.

Part of the reason that I didn't get up in the mornings last week was because of pure exhaustion. I was tired in every way possible: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I kind of walked around in a bit of a trance all week too - so working out at 6:00 a.m. was definitely not on my radar (even though every night I set my alarm like I was going to get up and work out).

Both books that I'm "reading" have really helped me cope with self-esteem/body image stuff as welly as my exhaustion.

First, a few quotes from Jennifer Spivey:

God is in complete control of His creation. He is continuously working to see His purposes come to pass. Even behind the scenes, sometimes seemingly hidden from human eyes, God is in control. His providence -- His ACTION -- is especially important to search for His providence and action during the book of Esther, as His name is never mentioned. (p. 25)

In every detail, in every moment, God is there loving you, encouraging you, rejoicing with you, grieving with you...The Word tells us that apart from Him, we can do nothing. (p. 25)

It is in the Lord that was find out freedom, and keeping this hope in our hearts will keep us free to worship and serve Him without fear. (p. 26)

God saw me where I was, and He was interested in drawing me closer to him...He had created me. God knew, as I did  not yet know, that my personality was a part of His creation. Somehow, even chatty and clumsy and laughably imperfect, God would be able to use me. The wrong expectation had created anxiety. The right expectation had created peace. (p. 26)

James compares the Word of God to a mirror, showing us what we are and who we are. The wrong kind of expectation can turn our focus away from the Lord, and make us forget what we are supposed to look like: we will "immediately forget what kind of man" or woman we are. (p. 26-27)

If you find your personal expectations or the expectation of those around you a hindrance [to His glory], let them go! (p. 27)

In His providence, you were created with a specific purpose. In His love, you will find the tools you  need to fulfill that purpose. (p. 27)

The Lord wanted them to focus on the NOW situation, and not be consumed with the sadness and fear that might overtake them during the captivity. (p. 32)

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you. (p. 33)

If praise from people can build you up, then disapproval from those same people can tear you down. (p. 33)

The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). It is so true. Please, friend, do not allow your life to be held captive by someone else's words: find your life in what the Lord has to say about you! (p. 34)

Even in emotional situations, getting some distance may mean gaining some perspective: stepping away for a period of time can make all the difference in the world. (p. 39)

Our God is sovereign. By definition, sovereign means supreme ruler, possessing ultimate power, able to act independently and without support or clearance from an outside source...Once we realize that God is sovereign, we must leave our lives in His hands. (p. 41)

If I had known beforehand what I would have had to walk through to receive the victory, I might have said, "NO THANKS!" and merely walked away, but God is more generous than to allow that. Sometimes, in this way, I can view my lack of information (lack of ability to judge my situation rightly) as a blessing in disguise...of course, there are are times (more often than I would like to admit!) when I allow that same lack of information to become a source of frustration. (pg. 41)

Okay, so maybe that was more than a few - but SO encouraging, right?

I won't tell you every little detail of the book by Karen Kingsbury, but I do want to touch on how I've related with it so far.

The basic storyline is that there's this married couple, completely in love. They have two daughters and their life together seems pretty perfect. His name is Connor and her name is Michelle. Then there's this single mom and 7-year-old boy who live across the country. The single mom dies in a plane crash early on in the book. Connor finds out that the little boy, Max, is actually his. He had an affair with Max's mom eight years before, but never knew that he'd gotten the girl pregnant, and didn't know that he had a son. He'd never told his wife about the affair because it was during a layover in Hawaii and he never saw or spoke to Max's mom again. So far, I think it's kind of a story of redemption and healing. There are a couple of relationships that are fine, but not great, and I think that by the end they'll all be restored - or at least that's what I'm hoping.

Here's where my feelings come in - 

Michelle immediately blames herself and the way she looks when she finds out about the affair. She thinks that if she had been thinner, had lost her baby weight, etc. that Connor would have stayed faithful to her. The book talks about her binge eating (eating an entire pack of Oreo's one day and drinking nothing but herbal tea the next and hiding food in her desk) and her on-again off-again dieting habits because of her lack of self-esteem and finding her identity in how she looks. At the beginning of the the book, before anything about the affair comes out, Connor thinks about how he loves how his wife looks, even though she's gained a little weight since they were married, he loves her and loves how she looks - to him, she is the MOST beautiful.

I'm at a point in my life where my expectations for myself just aren't realistic. If I were honest with myself, I would change about a dozen different things about my body if I could. I have a DEEP underlying fear that my fiance (almost husband) will someday wake up and find me unattractive after we get married - or worse - he'll find someone else that he's more attracted to than me. I can totally identify with Michelle - I would blame my weight and my outward appearance. (Note: Jason has never showed any sort of sign that he would ever do that, but it's just a fear that I have - no one freak out!)

I've already admitted several times in my blog that I'm an emotional eater. Here's something that I've realized though - I'm such an emotional eater that I actually emotionally eat because of my body-image issues! What the heck?!?

All of this just goes to show how out-of-whack our human perspective is. If I could do as Spivey said, and just gain some perspective, even in emotional situations, my life would probably look a lot different. I've also got to let go of the expectations that I have for myself. They're obviously dysfunctional and they're tearing me down.

Why am I writing about all of this today? Because I know I'm not the only one. The fact that BOTH books that I just happen to pick up and "read" right now talk about unrealistic and unbiblical expectations that women have on themselves. This tears us down and shows me that this is a common issue.

May we find rest in the power of His Word, His love, and His promises. There is hope in Christ, and there is confidence in Christ!

May we be freed from the darkness of our own expectations today.

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you.