Getting Things in Order

I started blogging consistently a little less than a year ago. My blogging journey started when I decided to participate in a week-long cleanse before I went wedding dress shopping. I blogged about the cleanse, my battle that I've always had with my weight vs. self-esteem, the changes that I've made in my diet and exercise over the years, and finally, my decision to bring a doctor into the mix.

Wedding dress shopping...post-cleanse.

After about 6 months of blogging about this topic (among others), I've had some difficulty writing this blog. I sit down to write, and I think about what's going on in my life. Things have settled down some for Jason and me as far as traveling and big life changes. I like writing about marriage and being a newlywed and the emotions/hurdles/joys that brings, but I don't want this to be a blog that is solely about that. When I think about my life, the constant struggle that I have is my weight and self-esteem. But yet, I haven't been able to bring myself to write about it since October. So, as of today, I'm going back to where this blog began and I'm going to give you an update.

As always, I don't write this just so people know what's going on with my life. I write this in hopes that someone who reads this might take comfort in identifying with me, find hope in the truth that we are all God's creation no matter our struggles, and maybe even take steps to identify the source of their frustration/worries/hardship.

Before I update you, if you haven't read about my journey to find answers, take a look at this blog post.

Right before Thanksgiving, I went back to my doctor to have some follow-up blood work done. After Thanksgiving, Jason accompanied me to the doctor to hear the results. When I was 16, I was diagnosed with insulin resistance and PCOS (to find out about what in the world that means, click here). After high school, I didn't really pursue any treatment for it, but I've always just aimed to eat a low carb/high protein diet and exercise. I knew that losing weight would be an uphill battle for me. In college, things were kind of up and down when it came to my weight and self-esteem (read more about my battle here). Then, post college, working a sedentary job, being on a budget, and falling victim to lots and lots of life changes has put me at the highest weight, most out of shape, and lowest self-esteem I've ever experienced.

My feelings x 100

Now, for the results. My doctor informed me that my insulin levels had spiked. They were definitely in the high range, but I'm not diabetic (yet). He said that my results were consistent with insulin resistance and PCOS. He put me on an appetite suppressant for 3-6 months, told me to follow the nutrition rules he gave me over the summer, and increase my exercise. After 6 months, he is planning on putting me on a medication that will help keep my insulin levels down.

Honestly, I was satisfied with those results. I'd been praying that I would get some sort of answer, but that nothing HORRIBLE would be wrong with me. This, was definitely a manageable result and all in all an answered prayer.

Month One: December went pretty well. Although we were crazy busy, I managed to lose about 5-6 pounds. I was down 8 pounds, but then Christmas happened. My doctor told me at my one month check-in that he was happy with how things were going. Me, being the crazy over-achiever that I am, didn't think I'd done enough though.

Month Two: January was weird. About a week into January, I went to another doctor who I've been seeing for about 5 years. She got onto me about my weight and challenged me to get back into running and aim for 150 minutes of medium-high intensity exercise a week. My month two check-in was yesterday, and my doctor wasn't super stoked about my results. I got about 1-2 pounds off, but we all know I can do a lot better. We talked about my goals and I clearly realized something: I've got to work harder.

Eating pretty healthy doesn't cut it right now. Exercising when I have time or when I feel like it is not enough. I've got to eat really good. I've got to get out and sweat. I can't make compromises or talk myself out of this thing. I can't settle. This is no longer just a physical desire to look better or be skinnier - this is a health issue and it's about time that I start acting like it.

Obviously, I have some ideas of what I'm going to do to work harder in mind. I completed day one of week two of the Couch to 5K running plan last night. Talk about humbling. I used to be able to run at least a mile and a half without having to walk...even if I hadn't run in a while. Now, after about a minute, everything hurts. But, I'm not going to let that stop me. I'm determined to accomplish this and not quit. I also want to do some sort of weight training 1-2 days a week in addition to my running plan. If you have ideas, let me know. I also am cutting back on my sugars. I usually just look at the carbs that I'm taking in, but I haven't ever paid enough attention to the amount of sugar that foods have. Time to start. My goal is to not eat any refined carb/sugar after lunch, and any carbs/sugars that I do eat need to be whole grain or natural (coming either from dairy or fruit).

Will someone people buy this in mural size for me?

Yesterday went well, but it's going to be an uphill battle. Fortunately, I have a great support system in Jason and I'm thankful for that. I'll keep my blog readers posted (haha, pun intended) on my progress along the way. Please be praying for discipline and grace for me through this.

Last, but certainly not least, I love hearing from people who read this. Whether it's encouragement, ideas, questions, or just a random comment, it really is all great. Community is so important and I want to know how I can be praying/encouraging you as well! 

I know this is long, so thanks for hanging in there and reading to the end :)

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On Making Plans

"Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.” 

 - Proverbs 19:20-21 -

There is so much pressure to know.

When we are in high school, we're constantly being faced with questions that beckon us to figure out what we're supposed to do with our lives. Where will you go to college? What will you major in? Where will you live? How often will you come home? What do you want to do with that degree? I remember being 17 or 18 years old and thinking to myself that if one more person asked me what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life, I was just going to scream!

But we make our decision, we graduate, get a job, go to college, or do whatever is next for us. But it's just the beginning.

We are faced DAILY with decisions, with plans, with expectations to make decisions that affect our plans. We're just expected to know.

I'm learning very quickly that I don't know. I don't know the answers and I don't know my plans. Most of the time I can tell people what my plans are for the next month or so, at least as far as what I'll be doing. I'll go to work, I'll hang out with this person or that person, I'll go to church, Jason and I may go out of town - we have plans. But the older I get (not that I'm that old) and the more I move through life, I'm learning that I don't have a plan and that I just don't know. For someone like me who is a complete "planner" and scores with the highest of "J's" on Myer's Briggs, that honestly stresses me out.

I don't know what tomorrow holds.

I don't know what I'm making for dinner tonight.

I don't know where we'll live in 6 months.

I don't know how to be the best wife.

I don't know our plans for the holidays.

I don't know when I'll get to run errands.

I don't know when or where my  husband will be working a week, a month, a year from now.

I do know that I'm learning, though. 

The Lord is teaching me to let go of my plans. He's teaching me that it's okay to not know. He molding me into the woman/wife/daughter/sister/friend who has strength to not rely on my own knowledge or plans (as comforting as that may be), but to rely solely on Him.

One of the most well known verses of scripture is Jeremiah 29:11. For years I've been hardened into thinking that it's so cliche to rely upon this passage because it's so overused, and many times taken out of context. But the truth is that it's God's word, and there's nothing cliche or overused about God's word.

These words are truth though. Proverbs tells us that man has many plans for ourselves, but that the purpose that the Lord has given our lives is the only thing that will stand. We can plan all day long, but even so, are we being obedient? Rather than planning our lives and hoping that God aligns His plans with ours, why don't we just have faith that He will make His purpose known to us? He tells us that He's got a plan. He tells us that He's got a good plan. We have a future in Him and we have hope in Him. But so many times, why isn't that enough for us?

Today, I'm relinquishing my plans and my purposes for my life. I'm leaving them in the hands of God, because His ways are better than mine and His plans are greater than mine. My life, my marriage, my job, my husband's job, my stability, my family, my friendships, my tomorrows, my everything is His.

Won't you join me in letting go today?

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