Jesus is the bread...so take those rolls off the dinner table!

Sitting in a booth, sharing a bagel with my mom, I was faced with a new reality. We drank our coffee, shared a snack, and caught up with each other - this was nothing out of the ordinary. Since my junior year of high school, this was our routine. Even so, there was something different this time.

Here’s a little background information -

Two years ago (and around the time of this mother/daughter coffee date), as a recent college graduate, I lost about 20 pounds. Standing at only 5 feet tall with a curvy frame, 20 pounds made a huge difference in the way I looked and felt.

I was the girl crash dieting and forcing myself into the gym since early high school. I was the girl constantly tugging at her clothes and explaining my weight anytime I got the chance, just to make sure that I acknowledged my less-than-perfect body before anyone else did. So after months of cutting out all the wrong foods and fueling myself with all the right foods, my mom was curious as to why a bagel was my choice of snack that warm August afternoon.

I don’t think that my mom meant for her words to impact me very much or change my whole outlook – but I’m glad that they did. I truly believe that she had a genuine curiosity about the maintenance phase of my weight loss plan. But as she questioned, and I answered back with some vague excuse, her next words hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Have you ever considered that your battle with self-esteem, food, and your weight is more of a spiritual battle than anything else?” she asked.

Quietly, I muttered, no. Over the next few weeks, I contemplated this question almost constantly. I obsessed on it because I felt so silly for never even considering that all of these years that I’ve struggled and been overly self-conscience, I never once thought to give this “issue” to the Lord.

Why I hadn’t I? When I began dating my husband, which was about a year before this, I prayed daily that God would allow us to connect mentally/intellectually (when we began dating), spiritually (as we grew together as a couple), emotionally (as things became more serious and we started talking about marriage), and physically (after we wed). Now, all four of these things are all extremely vital to building, maintaining, and enjoying our marriage. I think that at some point in my life I just concluded that these four things made up every aspect of our person. So why then, did I not apply these same principles, including the spiritual aspect, to my only real consistent and long-term strife?

Although the answer really doesn’t matter as much as the subsequent action, I realized over time that the answer really boils down to a deep rooted fear. I feared letting go of control.  But, as I just said, identifying the problem is really only the first step. The important thing is how to change the problem.

Therefore, in a day where young women are living in an over saturated, media-based culture that forces us to see its idea what beautiful looks like, I want to extend a white flag of surrender for those who are just tired of trying.

My advice to you is not to quit, but rather, loosen your grip a little bit; let go. Here are some ways that I’ve learned to balance my struggle in a healthier way.

•  Physically - The most obvious way to take action on a struggle with self-esteem, food, and weight is by taking a physical action. I’m not a medical professional, so I’ll just give you basic ideas that I’ve learned from experience. Eat foods that come from nature. The means a diet that contains higher protein and fiber and lower in carbohydrates, sugar, and processed foods. Exercise as much as possible, but make it fun. If you like running, add some fun music to your workout playlist. If you hate running, join a gym that offers classes like cycling, kickboxing, or step aerobics. Exercise with your friends or your significant other and challenge each other; a little competition is always exciting. I’ve even started wearing a pedometer to work, and I try to compete with myself each day to see if I can find ways to walk more just by showing up at work.

•  Mentally/Intellectually - For me, this is the easiest way to conquer my issue. I read a lot of health blogs, exercise blogs, and articles on health and wellness. Sometime I enjoy reading books on health and exercise, but many times books promote fad diets, and I try to steer clear of those. Find a few blogs that you like, and follow them regularly. The beneficial thing about a blog is that it’s a real person writing, so usually it offers encouragement as well as tips, advice, and ideas. I’m reading a book right now that was suggested to me by one of my friends/blog readers called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I recommend it to anyone who struggles with “eating your feelings” as I like to call it. Here’s one (of many) quote from it that truly stuck out to me: “But, if I allowed my brain to park in a place of dissatisfaction about any part of my body, it would give Satan just enough room to move in with his lie that strips me of motivation: ‘Your body is never going to look the way you want it to look, so why sacrifice so much? Your discipline is in vain.’” Honestly, I could probably quote the whole book, but that would make this post completely irrelevant – so go buy the book and read it for yourself!

•  Emotionally - Incorporating an emotional aspect to battling against my weight and food is almost as hard for me as incorporating a spiritual side. It’s really tough for me to be vulnerable enough with myself to face what I like to call, “The Why’s”. Why am I so drawn to eat things that I know in my head are not good for me? Why am I sitting on the couch talking on the phone or watching TV when I can be walking around the neighborhood talking on the phone or listening to music? Why do I crave unhealthy foods when I’m mad/upset/hurt/sad? Why do I buy things at the grocery store that I know will be tempting to me, even though I’ve been eating so good all week long? Honestly, this list could go on and on, and I’m sure that everyone’s list will be a variance of “The Why’s”. Many times it’s easy to find a surface level answer, but to dig beneath the surface gets messy. I for one don’t like to face the reason for why I turn to food for comfort, or why I remain sedentary when I get home from a sedentary job. It’s painful, and many times the conclusion that I come to is that my strength, will power, and efforts will never be enough for me to make real progress in this area of my life. Which leads to my next point...

•  Spiritually - If you look throughout the bible, there are subtle, but clear references to food in relation to sin. Eve ate the apple and the Israelites freaked out because they were running out of food, just to name a few. But, as a beautiful picture of restoration, the bible also uses images of food to encourage us. When Jesus is tempted in the desert, the adversary tempts him with food, yet Jesus says that no man can live by bread alone. In the gospel of John, Jesus declares, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst” (John 6:35). Jesus also meets the physical need of people when he feeds the 5,000 before he feeds them spiritually in Matthew 14. So, why then do we not cast our burden - our answers to “The Why’s” on our Lord and Savior? Do we think that our food issues or our weight issues are too petty for God? Do we think that we should be strong enough to accomplish our weight loss goal on our own? Or, do we deny that we even have a problem? Something that I’ve learned is that the moment I replace God with food, I’m not only sinning, but I have a problem that needs fixing by the Holy Spirit. When I’m offered a job, my husband and I celebrate by going out to eat. The last time that this happened, it took me almost a day to stop and praise God for providing a job for me. When I’m upset about something, I’ll justify a bowl of ice cream after dinner and a skipped day at the gym, but it might take me hours or even days to bring whatever I’m upset about before the Lord. Does any of this sound familiar? This issue of self-esteem, food, and weight is intricately connected with our relationship with God. Treat it that way and give it the validity in your prayers that its due.

As I look back on the last two years of my life, I almost start to laugh at how it looks. I’d love to tell you that I’m where I want to be and that the truth that my mom presented to me that day over coffee and a bagel has whipped me into shape and now I’m exactly where I want to be. But the reality of this truth that she spoke is that it’s a journey. It’s a spiritual journey, and I don’t pretend that I have all the answers. But I will admit that since that day, things have been different for me because God used my mom as a vessel to reveal something important to me and it finally clicked. My hope and my prayer is that, at the least, is that you’re encouraged by reading this. I’d love for this to be that epiphany moment and you’re literally staring at your computer right now with your hand on your forehead saying, “Man, why didn’t I see this before?!” If that’s the case, I’m thankful that God has used a simple girl like me, and I pray that he receives glory for it all.

That seems to about cover all I had to say today.
So then...
I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome.

What I've Been "Reading"

So, I guess I'll let the cat out of the bag - I'm a big fan of audiobooks.

I love reading, but with a 8:30-5:00 job, planning a wedding, extra work with the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes, a fiance who I'd like to give my attention to, and somewhat of a TV addiction, reading doesn't happen as often as I'd like. A couple of months ago I bought a Kindle e-reader. I love it, and I've used it quite a bit...but even so I keep coming back to my audiobooks.

Last week I picked up a book from my bookshelf that my sisters sent me for my 22nd birthday. It's called Esther: reflections from an unexpected life by Jennifer Spivey. I actually thought it was a study book when I picked it up, but as it so happens, it's actually a daily devotional. So far, I'm absolutely in love with this book. My mom did the Beth Moore study on Esther a couple of years ago, and ever since I've been dying to really dive into that book of scripture.

Last week I also renewed my library card so I could download more audiobooks on my iPhone to listen at work. Audiobooks that can be downloaded straight to the Overdrive app seem to be kind of limited, so I did a search for Karen Kingsbury books. I've never read any of her stuff, but I've heard good things about her books, so I decided to give one a try. I picked Oceans Apart, and so far I've hardly been able to take my headphones out :)

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you know that I struggle a lot with body image and self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find the balance of a healthier lifestyle. Two weeks ago I started "Insanity" in the mornings. I love it. Last week, I didn't do it once. I tend to be either all or nothing these days - but I'm really trying to find a balance.

Part of the reason that I didn't get up in the mornings last week was because of pure exhaustion. I was tired in every way possible: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I kind of walked around in a bit of a trance all week too - so working out at 6:00 a.m. was definitely not on my radar (even though every night I set my alarm like I was going to get up and work out).

Both books that I'm "reading" have really helped me cope with self-esteem/body image stuff as welly as my exhaustion.

First, a few quotes from Jennifer Spivey:

God is in complete control of His creation. He is continuously working to see His purposes come to pass. Even behind the scenes, sometimes seemingly hidden from human eyes, God is in control. His providence -- His ACTION -- is especially important to search for His providence and action during the book of Esther, as His name is never mentioned. (p. 25)

In every detail, in every moment, God is there loving you, encouraging you, rejoicing with you, grieving with you...The Word tells us that apart from Him, we can do nothing. (p. 25)

It is in the Lord that was find out freedom, and keeping this hope in our hearts will keep us free to worship and serve Him without fear. (p. 26)

God saw me where I was, and He was interested in drawing me closer to him...He had created me. God knew, as I did  not yet know, that my personality was a part of His creation. Somehow, even chatty and clumsy and laughably imperfect, God would be able to use me. The wrong expectation had created anxiety. The right expectation had created peace. (p. 26)

James compares the Word of God to a mirror, showing us what we are and who we are. The wrong kind of expectation can turn our focus away from the Lord, and make us forget what we are supposed to look like: we will "immediately forget what kind of man" or woman we are. (p. 26-27)

If you find your personal expectations or the expectation of those around you a hindrance [to His glory], let them go! (p. 27)

In His providence, you were created with a specific purpose. In His love, you will find the tools you  need to fulfill that purpose. (p. 27)

The Lord wanted them to focus on the NOW situation, and not be consumed with the sadness and fear that might overtake them during the captivity. (p. 32)

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you. (p. 33)

If praise from people can build you up, then disapproval from those same people can tear you down. (p. 33)

The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). It is so true. Please, friend, do not allow your life to be held captive by someone else's words: find your life in what the Lord has to say about you! (p. 34)

Even in emotional situations, getting some distance may mean gaining some perspective: stepping away for a period of time can make all the difference in the world. (p. 39)

Our God is sovereign. By definition, sovereign means supreme ruler, possessing ultimate power, able to act independently and without support or clearance from an outside source...Once we realize that God is sovereign, we must leave our lives in His hands. (p. 41)

If I had known beforehand what I would have had to walk through to receive the victory, I might have said, "NO THANKS!" and merely walked away, but God is more generous than to allow that. Sometimes, in this way, I can view my lack of information (lack of ability to judge my situation rightly) as a blessing in disguise...of course, there are are times (more often than I would like to admit!) when I allow that same lack of information to become a source of frustration. (pg. 41)

Okay, so maybe that was more than a few - but SO encouraging, right?

I won't tell you every little detail of the book by Karen Kingsbury, but I do want to touch on how I've related with it so far.

The basic storyline is that there's this married couple, completely in love. They have two daughters and their life together seems pretty perfect. His name is Connor and her name is Michelle. Then there's this single mom and 7-year-old boy who live across the country. The single mom dies in a plane crash early on in the book. Connor finds out that the little boy, Max, is actually his. He had an affair with Max's mom eight years before, but never knew that he'd gotten the girl pregnant, and didn't know that he had a son. He'd never told his wife about the affair because it was during a layover in Hawaii and he never saw or spoke to Max's mom again. So far, I think it's kind of a story of redemption and healing. There are a couple of relationships that are fine, but not great, and I think that by the end they'll all be restored - or at least that's what I'm hoping.

Here's where my feelings come in - 

Michelle immediately blames herself and the way she looks when she finds out about the affair. She thinks that if she had been thinner, had lost her baby weight, etc. that Connor would have stayed faithful to her. The book talks about her binge eating (eating an entire pack of Oreo's one day and drinking nothing but herbal tea the next and hiding food in her desk) and her on-again off-again dieting habits because of her lack of self-esteem and finding her identity in how she looks. At the beginning of the the book, before anything about the affair comes out, Connor thinks about how he loves how his wife looks, even though she's gained a little weight since they were married, he loves her and loves how she looks - to him, she is the MOST beautiful.

I'm at a point in my life where my expectations for myself just aren't realistic. If I were honest with myself, I would change about a dozen different things about my body if I could. I have a DEEP underlying fear that my fiance (almost husband) will someday wake up and find me unattractive after we get married - or worse - he'll find someone else that he's more attracted to than me. I can totally identify with Michelle - I would blame my weight and my outward appearance. (Note: Jason has never showed any sort of sign that he would ever do that, but it's just a fear that I have - no one freak out!)

I've already admitted several times in my blog that I'm an emotional eater. Here's something that I've realized though - I'm such an emotional eater that I actually emotionally eat because of my body-image issues! What the heck?!?

All of this just goes to show how out-of-whack our human perspective is. If I could do as Spivey said, and just gain some perspective, even in emotional situations, my life would probably look a lot different. I've also got to let go of the expectations that I have for myself. They're obviously dysfunctional and they're tearing me down.

Why am I writing about all of this today? Because I know I'm not the only one. The fact that BOTH books that I just happen to pick up and "read" right now talk about unrealistic and unbiblical expectations that women have on themselves. This tears us down and shows me that this is a common issue.

May we find rest in the power of His Word, His love, and His promises. There is hope in Christ, and there is confidence in Christ!

May we be freed from the darkness of our own expectations today.

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you.