Jesus is the bread...so take those rolls off the dinner table!

Sitting in a booth, sharing a bagel with my mom, I was faced with a new reality. We drank our coffee, shared a snack, and caught up with each other - this was nothing out of the ordinary. Since my junior year of high school, this was our routine. Even so, there was something different this time.

Here’s a little background information -

Two years ago (and around the time of this mother/daughter coffee date), as a recent college graduate, I lost about 20 pounds. Standing at only 5 feet tall with a curvy frame, 20 pounds made a huge difference in the way I looked and felt.

I was the girl crash dieting and forcing myself into the gym since early high school. I was the girl constantly tugging at her clothes and explaining my weight anytime I got the chance, just to make sure that I acknowledged my less-than-perfect body before anyone else did. So after months of cutting out all the wrong foods and fueling myself with all the right foods, my mom was curious as to why a bagel was my choice of snack that warm August afternoon.

I don’t think that my mom meant for her words to impact me very much or change my whole outlook – but I’m glad that they did. I truly believe that she had a genuine curiosity about the maintenance phase of my weight loss plan. But as she questioned, and I answered back with some vague excuse, her next words hit me like a ton of bricks.

“Have you ever considered that your battle with self-esteem, food, and your weight is more of a spiritual battle than anything else?” she asked.

Quietly, I muttered, no. Over the next few weeks, I contemplated this question almost constantly. I obsessed on it because I felt so silly for never even considering that all of these years that I’ve struggled and been overly self-conscience, I never once thought to give this “issue” to the Lord.

Why I hadn’t I? When I began dating my husband, which was about a year before this, I prayed daily that God would allow us to connect mentally/intellectually (when we began dating), spiritually (as we grew together as a couple), emotionally (as things became more serious and we started talking about marriage), and physically (after we wed). Now, all four of these things are all extremely vital to building, maintaining, and enjoying our marriage. I think that at some point in my life I just concluded that these four things made up every aspect of our person. So why then, did I not apply these same principles, including the spiritual aspect, to my only real consistent and long-term strife?

Although the answer really doesn’t matter as much as the subsequent action, I realized over time that the answer really boils down to a deep rooted fear. I feared letting go of control.  But, as I just said, identifying the problem is really only the first step. The important thing is how to change the problem.

Therefore, in a day where young women are living in an over saturated, media-based culture that forces us to see its idea what beautiful looks like, I want to extend a white flag of surrender for those who are just tired of trying.

My advice to you is not to quit, but rather, loosen your grip a little bit; let go. Here are some ways that I’ve learned to balance my struggle in a healthier way.

•  Physically - The most obvious way to take action on a struggle with self-esteem, food, and weight is by taking a physical action. I’m not a medical professional, so I’ll just give you basic ideas that I’ve learned from experience. Eat foods that come from nature. The means a diet that contains higher protein and fiber and lower in carbohydrates, sugar, and processed foods. Exercise as much as possible, but make it fun. If you like running, add some fun music to your workout playlist. If you hate running, join a gym that offers classes like cycling, kickboxing, or step aerobics. Exercise with your friends or your significant other and challenge each other; a little competition is always exciting. I’ve even started wearing a pedometer to work, and I try to compete with myself each day to see if I can find ways to walk more just by showing up at work.

•  Mentally/Intellectually - For me, this is the easiest way to conquer my issue. I read a lot of health blogs, exercise blogs, and articles on health and wellness. Sometime I enjoy reading books on health and exercise, but many times books promote fad diets, and I try to steer clear of those. Find a few blogs that you like, and follow them regularly. The beneficial thing about a blog is that it’s a real person writing, so usually it offers encouragement as well as tips, advice, and ideas. I’m reading a book right now that was suggested to me by one of my friends/blog readers called Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst. I recommend it to anyone who struggles with “eating your feelings” as I like to call it. Here’s one (of many) quote from it that truly stuck out to me: “But, if I allowed my brain to park in a place of dissatisfaction about any part of my body, it would give Satan just enough room to move in with his lie that strips me of motivation: ‘Your body is never going to look the way you want it to look, so why sacrifice so much? Your discipline is in vain.’” Honestly, I could probably quote the whole book, but that would make this post completely irrelevant – so go buy the book and read it for yourself!

•  Emotionally - Incorporating an emotional aspect to battling against my weight and food is almost as hard for me as incorporating a spiritual side. It’s really tough for me to be vulnerable enough with myself to face what I like to call, “The Why’s”. Why am I so drawn to eat things that I know in my head are not good for me? Why am I sitting on the couch talking on the phone or watching TV when I can be walking around the neighborhood talking on the phone or listening to music? Why do I crave unhealthy foods when I’m mad/upset/hurt/sad? Why do I buy things at the grocery store that I know will be tempting to me, even though I’ve been eating so good all week long? Honestly, this list could go on and on, and I’m sure that everyone’s list will be a variance of “The Why’s”. Many times it’s easy to find a surface level answer, but to dig beneath the surface gets messy. I for one don’t like to face the reason for why I turn to food for comfort, or why I remain sedentary when I get home from a sedentary job. It’s painful, and many times the conclusion that I come to is that my strength, will power, and efforts will never be enough for me to make real progress in this area of my life. Which leads to my next point...

•  Spiritually - If you look throughout the bible, there are subtle, but clear references to food in relation to sin. Eve ate the apple and the Israelites freaked out because they were running out of food, just to name a few. But, as a beautiful picture of restoration, the bible also uses images of food to encourage us. When Jesus is tempted in the desert, the adversary tempts him with food, yet Jesus says that no man can live by bread alone. In the gospel of John, Jesus declares, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst” (John 6:35). Jesus also meets the physical need of people when he feeds the 5,000 before he feeds them spiritually in Matthew 14. So, why then do we not cast our burden - our answers to “The Why’s” on our Lord and Savior? Do we think that our food issues or our weight issues are too petty for God? Do we think that we should be strong enough to accomplish our weight loss goal on our own? Or, do we deny that we even have a problem? Something that I’ve learned is that the moment I replace God with food, I’m not only sinning, but I have a problem that needs fixing by the Holy Spirit. When I’m offered a job, my husband and I celebrate by going out to eat. The last time that this happened, it took me almost a day to stop and praise God for providing a job for me. When I’m upset about something, I’ll justify a bowl of ice cream after dinner and a skipped day at the gym, but it might take me hours or even days to bring whatever I’m upset about before the Lord. Does any of this sound familiar? This issue of self-esteem, food, and weight is intricately connected with our relationship with God. Treat it that way and give it the validity in your prayers that its due.

As I look back on the last two years of my life, I almost start to laugh at how it looks. I’d love to tell you that I’m where I want to be and that the truth that my mom presented to me that day over coffee and a bagel has whipped me into shape and now I’m exactly where I want to be. But the reality of this truth that she spoke is that it’s a journey. It’s a spiritual journey, and I don’t pretend that I have all the answers. But I will admit that since that day, things have been different for me because God used my mom as a vessel to reveal something important to me and it finally clicked. My hope and my prayer is that, at the least, is that you’re encouraged by reading this. I’d love for this to be that epiphany moment and you’re literally staring at your computer right now with your hand on your forehead saying, “Man, why didn’t I see this before?!” If that’s the case, I’m thankful that God has used a simple girl like me, and I pray that he receives glory for it all.

That seems to about cover all I had to say today.
So then...
I've blogged to you...
Now you can blogbacktome.

Perfect Imperfection

Lately I've noticed that God is really teaching me a lot. Abba and I have been having some real "teachable moments" as my mom calls them. I used to really shy away from sharing what the Lord is teaching me because I felt like maybe I'd be judged for having not already grasp that concept - but recently I've noticed that I get SUPER excited when something clicks in my soul. You know that feeling when you realize something and you KNOW without a doubt that it's God revealing something to you because you feel a burning excitement in the pit of your heart? That's what I'm talking about. I'm so thankful that I've been able to experience this on multiple occasions over the last few weeks.

I'm a pretty passionate person. Some might say that I'm extreme. Not extreme as in weird (although I'm probably quite weird), but extreme as in I'm always one extreme or the other. If I decide that I'm going to do something or be a part of something, there's absolutely no turning back; I'm on board and I don't do things halfway. On the other hand, if I don't really care about something or if I don't think an idea is good, it's very obvious and it makes it really hard to for me to ever compromise (something I'm working on, trust me).

One thing that I've been passionate about since I've been a believer is pouring into other women - or young women. I have to admit that I haven't done this as much as I've wanted to since I've graduated from college, but I love it. I was an RA for three years in college and being able to sit up at 4:00 in the morning and listen to one of my residents pour out their heart about something that's bothering them is honestly one of the most satisfying experiences of my life thus far. It wasn't self-satisfying - I didn't really do anything. Most of the time I'd listen to girls talk about how they just broke up with their boyfriend and how they were never speaking to him again, only to find out that they were back together with the same guy a week later. But I got to listen. I go to pray. I got to give advice when they asked for it. I got to give a little bit of a different perspective if they  needed it. I got to share life with those girls in a different way than anyone else on that hall for three years. The best part of it is that I know that God placed me there to glorify Him.

I say all of this to say that I try to use my blog as the same kind of platform that I used my job as an RA. Sometimes the things that I write are probably way TMI (too much information), so I do apologize for that. But I try to write about things that the Lord is teaching me, so please don't fault me for that :) And with that - here we go.

Last night I had an epiphany.

Yesterday my office gave Jason and me a wedding shower. It was beautiful in every way and we felt so loved and blessed by everyone. In addition to the wedding gifts we got at the shower, we also received a grill in the mail (that just sounds funny) yesterday as a wedding gift. I bought steaks to cook this week, so when Jason got the grill, I told him that we could save the steaks for when he got the grill put together. So the poor guy went to work.

A snapshot of the wedding shower that Martin gave us!

I walked into my apartment that had a dining room full of moving boxes (Jason's stuff) and wedding gifts from yesterday and the shower I had in Fort Walton a couple of weeks back. Then, I looked in the living room and Jason was surrounded by LOTS of small pieces that were somehow supposed to fit together to make a grill. I felt like the walls were going to cave in on me.

So I decided that I would make some chicken noodle soup with the leftover chicken from earlier this week - just in case the grill wasn't finished tonight. Then we realized that we had a charcoal grill but no charcoals. So my roommate and I went to Walmart to buy charcoals. Long story short, the grill is put together, but I cooked our steak on the stove last night.

As Jason was sitting on the couch, a little frustrated and a lot hungry, I was in the kitchen still working. I kept thinking to myself that I'd worked all day, then I came home and helped him, and now I'm the one who is still up cooking him dinner - after I'd already cooked soup - and I could barely walk through my apartment without having to step over stuff. I began to get frustrated as well.

When the stove-cooked steaks were finished, I put them on a plate with some corn on the cob that I'd also cooked and took Jason's plate into the living room to give to him. As I came around the corner, I saw him sitting there on the couch, working on a video project that he's been doing and I realized something: not only has he been working all day too, he's still working just like me. But even if he wasn't still working, it wouldn't matter. I love him. He's the best friend I'll ever have and I'd do anything for him.

After dinner I was working on putting together some shelves and I went into the kitchen to get something to drink. When I walked in, Jason was putting away the clean dishes from the dishwasher and washing the dirty dinner dishes.

Before he left last night I told him the realization that I'd come to and I just wanted him to know that God is really humbling me and teaching me to show him love by serving. Jason said that while he was doing the dishes, he'd come to the same conclusion. We both laughed about it because we realize that if we didn't have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us and teaching us how to love each other well, the night could have looked a lot different. We didn't let our frustration get the best of us - instead we just made a decision to serve. As imperfect as we are as people, the grace of God has made our love for each other perfect.

This whole night reminded me of a conversation that I had with a friend from my small group back in June. She's been married for almost two years, and Jason and I really respect she and her husband's marriage. She told me that one of the things she's learned is that in marriage, you should always feel like you're doing more work - and that should bring you joy. You should constantly be trying to out-serve the other person. God has called us to serve one another in marriage, and I am so excited that God has chosen to teach Jason and I what that looks like before we're even married!

Well, enough rambling for the day. I hope that you all have fa fabulous weekend - but there's one more thing I want to leave you with on this Friday:

"Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." - Ephesians 5:1-2