What I've Been "Reading"

So, I guess I'll let the cat out of the bag - I'm a big fan of audiobooks.

I love reading, but with a 8:30-5:00 job, planning a wedding, extra work with the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes, a fiance who I'd like to give my attention to, and somewhat of a TV addiction, reading doesn't happen as often as I'd like. A couple of months ago I bought a Kindle e-reader. I love it, and I've used it quite a bit...but even so I keep coming back to my audiobooks.

Last week I picked up a book from my bookshelf that my sisters sent me for my 22nd birthday. It's called Esther: reflections from an unexpected life by Jennifer Spivey. I actually thought it was a study book when I picked it up, but as it so happens, it's actually a daily devotional. So far, I'm absolutely in love with this book. My mom did the Beth Moore study on Esther a couple of years ago, and ever since I've been dying to really dive into that book of scripture.

Last week I also renewed my library card so I could download more audiobooks on my iPhone to listen at work. Audiobooks that can be downloaded straight to the Overdrive app seem to be kind of limited, so I did a search for Karen Kingsbury books. I've never read any of her stuff, but I've heard good things about her books, so I decided to give one a try. I picked Oceans Apart, and so far I've hardly been able to take my headphones out :)

If you've been reading my blog for any period of time, you know that I struggle a lot with body image and self-esteem. I am constantly trying to find the balance of a healthier lifestyle. Two weeks ago I started "Insanity" in the mornings. I love it. Last week, I didn't do it once. I tend to be either all or nothing these days - but I'm really trying to find a balance.

Part of the reason that I didn't get up in the mornings last week was because of pure exhaustion. I was tired in every way possible: physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I kind of walked around in a bit of a trance all week too - so working out at 6:00 a.m. was definitely not on my radar (even though every night I set my alarm like I was going to get up and work out).

Both books that I'm "reading" have really helped me cope with self-esteem/body image stuff as welly as my exhaustion.

First, a few quotes from Jennifer Spivey:

God is in complete control of His creation. He is continuously working to see His purposes come to pass. Even behind the scenes, sometimes seemingly hidden from human eyes, God is in control. His providence -- His ACTION -- is especially important to search for His providence and action during the book of Esther, as His name is never mentioned. (p. 25)

In every detail, in every moment, God is there loving you, encouraging you, rejoicing with you, grieving with you...The Word tells us that apart from Him, we can do nothing. (p. 25)

It is in the Lord that was find out freedom, and keeping this hope in our hearts will keep us free to worship and serve Him without fear. (p. 26)

God saw me where I was, and He was interested in drawing me closer to him...He had created me. God knew, as I did  not yet know, that my personality was a part of His creation. Somehow, even chatty and clumsy and laughably imperfect, God would be able to use me. The wrong expectation had created anxiety. The right expectation had created peace. (p. 26)

James compares the Word of God to a mirror, showing us what we are and who we are. The wrong kind of expectation can turn our focus away from the Lord, and make us forget what we are supposed to look like: we will "immediately forget what kind of man" or woman we are. (p. 26-27)

If you find your personal expectations or the expectation of those around you a hindrance [to His glory], let them go! (p. 27)

In His providence, you were created with a specific purpose. In His love, you will find the tools you  need to fulfill that purpose. (p. 27)

The Lord wanted them to focus on the NOW situation, and not be consumed with the sadness and fear that might overtake them during the captivity. (p. 32)

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you. (p. 33)

If praise from people can build you up, then disapproval from those same people can tear you down. (p. 33)

The Bible says that the power of life and death are in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). It is so true. Please, friend, do not allow your life to be held captive by someone else's words: find your life in what the Lord has to say about you! (p. 34)

Even in emotional situations, getting some distance may mean gaining some perspective: stepping away for a period of time can make all the difference in the world. (p. 39)

Our God is sovereign. By definition, sovereign means supreme ruler, possessing ultimate power, able to act independently and without support or clearance from an outside source...Once we realize that God is sovereign, we must leave our lives in His hands. (p. 41)

If I had known beforehand what I would have had to walk through to receive the victory, I might have said, "NO THANKS!" and merely walked away, but God is more generous than to allow that. Sometimes, in this way, I can view my lack of information (lack of ability to judge my situation rightly) as a blessing in disguise...of course, there are are times (more often than I would like to admit!) when I allow that same lack of information to become a source of frustration. (pg. 41)

Okay, so maybe that was more than a few - but SO encouraging, right?

I won't tell you every little detail of the book by Karen Kingsbury, but I do want to touch on how I've related with it so far.

The basic storyline is that there's this married couple, completely in love. They have two daughters and their life together seems pretty perfect. His name is Connor and her name is Michelle. Then there's this single mom and 7-year-old boy who live across the country. The single mom dies in a plane crash early on in the book. Connor finds out that the little boy, Max, is actually his. He had an affair with Max's mom eight years before, but never knew that he'd gotten the girl pregnant, and didn't know that he had a son. He'd never told his wife about the affair because it was during a layover in Hawaii and he never saw or spoke to Max's mom again. So far, I think it's kind of a story of redemption and healing. There are a couple of relationships that are fine, but not great, and I think that by the end they'll all be restored - or at least that's what I'm hoping.

Here's where my feelings come in - 

Michelle immediately blames herself and the way she looks when she finds out about the affair. She thinks that if she had been thinner, had lost her baby weight, etc. that Connor would have stayed faithful to her. The book talks about her binge eating (eating an entire pack of Oreo's one day and drinking nothing but herbal tea the next and hiding food in her desk) and her on-again off-again dieting habits because of her lack of self-esteem and finding her identity in how she looks. At the beginning of the the book, before anything about the affair comes out, Connor thinks about how he loves how his wife looks, even though she's gained a little weight since they were married, he loves her and loves how she looks - to him, she is the MOST beautiful.

I'm at a point in my life where my expectations for myself just aren't realistic. If I were honest with myself, I would change about a dozen different things about my body if I could. I have a DEEP underlying fear that my fiance (almost husband) will someday wake up and find me unattractive after we get married - or worse - he'll find someone else that he's more attracted to than me. I can totally identify with Michelle - I would blame my weight and my outward appearance. (Note: Jason has never showed any sort of sign that he would ever do that, but it's just a fear that I have - no one freak out!)

I've already admitted several times in my blog that I'm an emotional eater. Here's something that I've realized though - I'm such an emotional eater that I actually emotionally eat because of my body-image issues! What the heck?!?

All of this just goes to show how out-of-whack our human perspective is. If I could do as Spivey said, and just gain some perspective, even in emotional situations, my life would probably look a lot different. I've also got to let go of the expectations that I have for myself. They're obviously dysfunctional and they're tearing me down.

Why am I writing about all of this today? Because I know I'm not the only one. The fact that BOTH books that I just happen to pick up and "read" right now talk about unrealistic and unbiblical expectations that women have on themselves. This tears us down and shows me that this is a common issue.

May we find rest in the power of His Word, His love, and His promises. There is hope in Christ, and there is confidence in Christ!

May we be freed from the darkness of our own expectations today.

Confidence in His love for you will free you from the opinions of the people around you.