Day 4: Thoughts on being a farmer-girl

Verse of the Day: "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!" - Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Friends, we made it to Day Four. Today is my last day without eating meat, and I couldn't be more excited. So far, I've made it through two bananas, one glass of milk, and one yogurt without gagging. Tomorrow by this time, there may be a different story (tomato day).

I seriously feel like a farmer carrying mason jars of skim milk in my lunch box.
I guess farmers probably wouldn't have skim milk though, right?

Last time I did this cleanse I didn't eat yogurt, even though the plan clearly states that I can. This time, I decided to change it up and do eight bananas, four glasses of milk, and four yogurts. I'll let you know how that goes.

Just as I suspected, yesterday went as okay as it could - it was just a blah kind of day. I ate my fruits and veggies all day and then I met Jason at Jason's Deli for dinner. I really love their salad bar, so sticking to just ordering the salad bar wasn't hard for me. Leaving out a lot of the salad bar yummy-ness and walking out of the restaurant without my free fro-yo in hand was hard...very very hard.

When we got home, we did our usual, Jason works on a video project for a while and I watch my TV shows and practice my game of distracting Jason while not blatantly distracting Jason. My game is quite fun - I might laugh a little louder than normal when he's wearing headphones to see if he looks up or maybe walk in a circle around our living room, dining room, kitchen twice to see if he asks what I'm doing. Usually he doesn't notice, but last night when I burst into tears out of no where right in the middle of Modern Family, his focus was immediately shifted.

You see, it's really easy for me to write about my problems, my struggles, and what I'm feeling. I can go back, rewrite, reword, or altogether delete things in a blog post, journal entry, or letter. Real life talking doesn't work that way though, and so I'm always much more inclined to stick with written words. That being said, I've never fully explained to Jason my deepest darkest feelings about my battle with weight and food. That sounds stupid - we've been married for almost seven months - but it's just a lot easier to talk about other important things. We've definitely discussed it, just not to its full extent. My abrupt breakdown last night left no more room for avoiding it though, it was time for a real talk.

I don't know how much time we spent talking, maybe an hour or so, but I definitely felt better afterward. I was not any less hungry and unfortunately I didn't grow some incomprehensible amount of self-esteem from our conversation, but I just felt better. I felt like I had an ally in this thing (see the Verse of the Day).

I'll never post my full spectrum of issues with this battle on a blog, those thoughts are mine and some of them aren't meant to be shared with everyone. You all should know that I'm a pretty open book though, so always feel free to blogbacktome and ask me any questions you may have. But, because I'll always withhold some level of vulnerability, my reasoning behind the intensity of all of this might seem incomplete to some of you. I know that some of you probably think I'm a bit wacky, and that's probably true, but this cleanse and this eating right thing is something that I just have to do. I could list off at least 10 reasons right now about why I have to do it, but the main thing is that it's just out of obedience to God. Honestly, no more explanation is necessary past that.

Today makes me feel like I'm back in 2012 writing "Ramble" because I feel like I'm just rambling on and on right now - sorry. I just feel that it's important to be transparent about what emotions are being brought to the surface through this cleanse just for anyone else who can identify with me.

So, if that's you, know this: It's okay to talk about "the why's". It's okay to break down and cry or to be angry. Just make sure that at the end of the day, you follow in obedience to what God is calling you to do.

As for the rest of the day, I'll be eating my bananas and yogurt and drinking my milk. If you eat a hamburger or some ice cream, say a quick prayer for me - I'd do something crazy for either of those things right now.

Here's my food count from yesterday:

The totals:

The water consumption:

Farmer Jessica is signing off for the day...over & out.

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