The War Inside

I'm just going to warn you right now, buckle up because I'm probably going to reach a new level of rambling today. I've had the topic that I'm writing about on my mind for quite some time, and I feel like I've meditated on it enough that I finally have the courage to write about it.

I decided a couple of weeks ago that I have a theme song, at least a song for right now. I've mentioned before that I'm am overly affected by music and that it can really can steer my emotions. While I was on the treadmill about two weeks ago, The War Inside by Switchfoot came on. If you've never heard the song, it's really a great workout song, so I'd recommend adding that one to your playlist. But something about it just lit a fire inside of me...of about two days.

Isn't that how we are though? Don't we set our mind to something and we build up our determination, just to watch it crumble when it gets tough or uncomfortable? Maybe it's just me, but I'm pretty bad at sticking to things that are super tough, even when deep down I know that I want to.

Last week, for some reason I had these words swimming around in my head...all...week...long: "I do want I don't want to do and I don't do what I do want to  do." These words derived from the words of Paul in the New Testament when he wrote about his sin.

"For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin. For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am!" - Romans 7:14-24

Okay, so admittedly, I'm not the best at memorizing scripture word-for-word...but I had the gist of it rolling around in my brain for days.  

I keep setting my mind to things: eating good, sticking to Weight Watchers, working out on a daily basis, lowering my carb/sugar intake, not eating dessert, making healthy choices even when we're out, etc. I keep setting my mind to things and then at the drop of a hat, I just abandon them...even though I don't want to. I go for the ice cream, or I turn off my alarm in the morning, day after day after day. Obviously, I'm not saying that eating ice cream or sleeping until 7:00 rather than 6:00 is evil, like Paul is saying about his sin, I'm just saying that by my own strength, I cannot conquer any battle. 

As you've probably gathered by now from my blog, I really do hate putting bad things into my body. I really do hate going days at a time without working out. I really do want to be healthy and want to exercise. But than wretched sin that dwells within me goes against my better thoughts and desires and just takes over. 

I'd been really really hard on myself over the weekend. Jason was in a wedding so our dinners were provided to us at the wedding and rehearsal dinner, so it made it very difficult to stick to what I wanted to eat, which were healthy things (or at least healthier).

So there I was on Sunday afternoon, relaxing on the couch, and trying with everything inside of me to hold off on snacking and just wait until dinner. It was time to leave the apartment for church. Jason and I had been hanging out that afternoon, so we loaded into the car, and headed off. 

We made a few pit stops to turn in his tux from the wedding and also to peak into the new LOFT at the Summit (I'm a big fan by the way). While we were in LOFT, I tried on multiple items that didn't fit. I took the jeans that I really liked (but were one size to small) up to the register to see if they could get them from another store. The sales lady kindly told me that the size I had in my hands was the biggest size they carry in the store. Talk about humiliating. Talk about being really down on myself. Internally, I was a mess. 

Finally we arrived at church. I was so ready to just worship my Savior and Creator and just spend some concentrated time in corporate worship and study in His Word. Our executive pastor was the one preaching that day, and he told us to open our bibles to Romans 7. He explained that the text he would be preaching on that evening is very difficult to preach on, but absolutely necessary. The words he spoke could not have been more true. 

You see, he started out in Romans 7:14, which is where I had been kind of lingering all week long. But he did something that I had been failing to do...he kept reading. 

After Paul goes on and on about how dreadful this sin problem is, he says this:

"Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death." - Romans 7:25-8:2

[Here's the part that's hard for me to admit]

During his sermon, the pastor then said something that truly cut me to the core and convicted me in a way that I haven't been convicted in quite a while. 

I'm so bad about comparing myself to other people. Maybe it's the way the look and I figure out if I'm bigger than them, smaller than them, or the same. Maybe it's looking at someone's lifestyle or choices and knowing that they're walking an outwardly sinful life and concluding that I'm probably better off because most sin that I have (and I do realize that we ALL sin) in usually more inward. I'm very quick to just brush off my lack of self-control or my readiness to give up at something as me just "accepting myself the way I am". And while I do think it's important to know and understand that God has created each of us and we are His workmanship, my tendencies are nothing less than sin. 

 Here's what he said (this isn't word-for-word, but it's the best I could remember when I was jotting it all down): "We may look down the road and say to ourselves, 'Well, at least I'm not a drug addict like my neighbor over there.' But if we are growing Christians, we should look at ourselves in the mirror and say, 'I'm worse, I'm a a believer and I'm a pride addict, or a stuff addict, or a food addict.'" 


May I recognize the sin in my life and call it what it is. May I do so, not to be self-deprecating, but the be a growing believer.


I know that most of you have probably had that Sunday when you're sitting in the congregation minding your own business and then the pastor decides to basically call you out (not literally, but you feel like it). I have had many occasion such as this, and Sunday evening was definitely one of those times. I wanted to stand up and just say, "I get it, God! Thank you! Thank you God for saving me even me!"

I am set free by the blood of Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter what I do or how hard I try, I can never accomplish or defeat a battle without Him. 

“The Christian life is a life of continual struggle, of victories and defeats, and Christian victory comes only when we totally distrust self, and rely on the provision of God. How frequently we throw works out the front door of justification, and invite them in the back door of sanctification.” - John Stott 

This weekend I was reminded that there is a "war inside". There's a battle for my soul. But I take refuge in the fact that I also have the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of my soul. I am His, therefore there is no battle that will not be won.  

"I Will Not Abandon You!"

Yesterday I logged into iTunes to download the sermon from Brook Hills that I missed last week. I decided that listening to podcasts during work is a fantastic way to pass the time when I'm doing a lot of cutting and pasting in Excel.

Today when I came into work, I went through some old podcasts from Brook Hills that sounded interesting. They're all from before I started attending church there, so it's just kinda neat to go back and hear some of this stuff that the sermons now have been built upon.

The first one I listened to caught my eye because it's a sermon about adoption that was from Easter 2007. After listening to about 10 minutes of it, I knew that I had to share it with anyone and everyone.

I know that I've talked about my extreme passion for adoption (extreme might be a bit of an understatement) before on the blog (see part one and part two). But I thought that this sermon explained the very core truth of why I (and Jason) want to adopt someday. So...here it is:

Click here to listen/watch

Whether or not you decide to listen/watch the sermon is totally up to you (obviously)...but I wanted to share a couple of things for those of you who don't listen/watch it.

Adoption started out as something that I may resort to in the case that I am not able to have kids biologically. I have no clue if I can have biological children, but sometimes it's harder for women with insulin resistance to get pregnant, and sometimes it's impossible. So at a young age, I realized that adoption might be the way I have children.

Over the years, I've learned that adoption is kind of cool thing to do, especially among Christians. I don't want to say that it's "trendy", but it kind of is. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that adoption isn't cool or that it's not a beyond wonderful thing that adoption is "trendy" among Christians these days, it's a total miracle! But, for a little while there, my reasons for wanting to adopt became more about me than about the actual reality of adoption.

Here is the reality: adoption is not about us...it's about God. It's a perfect reflection of the relationship between the saved and the Savior.

This is how I know -

“But when the right time came, God sent his Son, born of a woman, subject to the
law. God sent him to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that he could
adopt us as his very own children. And because we are his children, God has sent the
Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, ‘Abba, Father [which literally means "daddy"].’ Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir.” - Galatians 4:4-8

When we call upon the name of Jesus, God changes our "status" and we become His child, His heir. Just as when we adopt a child, their legal status is changed and they become our child, our heir.

“Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. So we praise God for the glorious grace he has poured out on us who belong to his dear Son. He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding.” - Ephesians 1:4-8

When we cry out to God, confess our sinfulness to Him, and our neediness for Him, we are adopted into His family! His family [the church] changes. We are added. Just as when we adopt a child, our family looks much different that it did before. It changes. A child is added.

“So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, ‘Abba, Father.’ For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory.” - Romans 8:15-17

“And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.” - Romans 8:23

God promises His children a full inheritance. He doesn't hold out on any one of us who has called upon His name. He affirms us and loves us in all of His glory. Our lives and our future are forever changed. When we adopt, we give that child a full inheritance. We don't hold out on them. We affirm them and love them with all that we have. Their lives and their future are forever changed.

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I am so thankful about the confidence that I have in Christ. I am thankful to know that I am a part of the family of God. I cannot wait to share even an ounce of that love with a child someday. As the graphic above says, "I am in love with a child I haven't met yet."

These are my Confessions

Last night a couple of things happened.

1. My internet went out from 8:00 in the evening until I went to bed.
2. Jason called to get Charter to fix my internet...without me asking him to (he gets major points for this).
3. I ate lots of pistachios before dinner.
4. I watched TV for about four hours.
5. I had a relapse. 

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I relapsed.

This morning I woke and felt how I suppose Peter felt in Matthew 14 when Jesus walks on water.

Matthew 14:28-33 says, "And Peter answered him, 'Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.' He said, 'Come.' So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, 'Lord, save me.'  Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?' And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, 'Truly you are the Son of God.'"

Last night as I sat on my couch digging into a pint of ice cream, I felt like a hypocrite. But as I went to bed a few hours later, I realized that this was bound to happen and God will definitely use my lack of self-control for His glory. 

Here's what happened:

I've been waking up every morning and weighing myself. Yesterday, I weight myself and instead of being down another pound or so, I was up two pounds. I thought to myself, "That's okay, just keep on being healthy and it'll be fine." But really, I was kind of freaking out.

So throughout the day, I snacked more than I usually do on things like M&M's. Not a lot of M&M's, just a few here or there. Then, when I got home, I wanted a few pistachios; I ate the rest of the bag. Then, I made dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Then, I wanted something sweet so I poured some strawberry Greek yogurt into a bowl and mixed in a teaspoon of Nutella. Then, I ate the rest of the Nutella that was in the jar (it wasn't much, but I literally cleaned it out). Then, I still wasn't satisfied, so I grabbed my emergency pint of TCBY frozen yogurt that I bought in case I wanted a TASTE of something sweet. I ate the whole thing. Then I had a pity party, watched more TV, got mad at Charter, and went to bed.  

My really large stack of pistachio shells and my leftovers from Tuesday night.

What the heck? I ate fruits and veggies AND tomatoes last week and withstood tons of temptation! What was I doing? 

Nutella is a problem.

I wasn't having faith. I forgot that God is in control and I forgot that my life is completely in his hands...even this! I forgot that I'm in a spiritual battle here.  

Notice the negative calories at the top.

I then remembered that I've always done this. I'd be good at being healthy for a week or two, and then I would start questioning God, "Why do I have to work at this so hard? Why can't I look like her, or her, or even her?" Last night wasn't about the food or the calories I consumed, it was about relapsing into my lack of faith.  

Here's the difference between the dozens of times I've done this in the past and today: it's not a secret. 

Luke 12:2-3 says, "Nothing is covered up that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops."

James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." 

These verses directly point to the fact that I must not hide my weakness, or my sin. I know it sounds extreme to say that by eating Nutella and ice cream in the same night, I'm sinning. But as I said, it's not about the food, it's about a lack of faith.  

I know that I am not in the battle alone. So won't you pray with me and for me today?

How can I pray for you? None of us are in alone. 

Today is also the National Day of Prayer. 

Let us stand strong as the body of Christ and take our ramblings to our heavenly Father, for he cares for us deeply.  

*For more background information on my lifelong battle with a healthy lifestyle, read here. 

Serving the Father to the Fatherless - Part Two

Yesterday was Orphan Sunday.  I'm not 100% sure what all that involves, who started it, or who all participates in it, but I thought that part two of my Serving the Father to the Fatherless posts would be relevant to write today. 

I attend a church here in Birmingham that puts more time, money, energy, and effort into serving the fatherless than any other church I have attended.  Granted, I haven't been to a ton of churches, but still I appreciate the emphasis that The Church at Brook Hills puts on the subjects of adoption, orphans, foster care, and serving the fatherless.

Just about a year ago I heard a song written on the subject of adoption by my friend, Mandi Mapes.  She was asked to write the song to go alongside a sermon on this topic by the pastor of our church, David Platt.  Unfortunately, I did not attend this faith-family at the time that this sermon was preached, but I do remember the sermon (or at least the time period that he preached it) very vividly because I was asked to put together a bunch of foster care informational packets while I was an intern at the Children's Homes (see part one).  I remember hearing someone [jokingly] say, "After last Sunday everyone at Brook Hills wants to be a foster parent."

A few paper cuts and about a year and a half later, I finally heard the song that accompanied the sermon that has made an impact on me, and much of our faith-family.  It brought tears to my eyes as I sat in the car last December and listened to the words of this song called, This Love, with my boyfriend Jason. Again, the longing that I have inside me to care for an orphan was touched, and I wanted to talk about it for hours on end.  Fortunately, I had Jason there to listen to me ramble on and on about how I remember when Brook Hills did a big push for families to get involved in foster care and how much I wanted to be a part of that someday.

I realize that not everyone at Brook Hills is involved in serving the fatherless, but I appreciate those who are. As I look around my faith-family, my heart is gladened for the families that I see with children that are not biologically their own. 

In July, our pastor announced that he and his wife, Heather, would be adopting a little girl from China in the late part of 2011.  This will be their second adopted child and third child.  I have heard him ask for prayers for the adoption process over the last year that I have attended Brook Hills because the process to adopt from overseas, and really just in general, can also bring forth a lot of anxiety. angst, and frustration. This past Friday he announced that the Platt family will travel overseas to get their little girl in the next few weeks.

I am ecstatic for David and Heather Platt to adopt a little girl from overseas.  When I first heard that they had finally received word that they would be blessed with a daughter from China, I began to cry tears of joy for the happiness that she will bring into their lives.  Now, as I watch my pastor announce with giddiness to the church that he will be going in upcoming weeks to go get this child and bring her home, I cannot help but praise the sovereign Lord for the gift of adoption.

I am thankful for the example that the Platt family has set.  I truly believe that many of the families that attend Brook Hills would have been involved with foster care and/or adoption because of a calling that God had for them apart from the church they attend.  But I also believe that the example and the vocal challenge that David Platt has given the Church of Brook Hills to pray for orphans, to become a foster parent, or to adopt a child has spurred many families to follow after God's will for them to be involved in foster care and/or adoption.  He's given them an extra little push in that direction, and I couldn't be more thankful for it.  I hope for and look forward to the day that I am blessed enough to be included!

Each week Brook Hills collectively prays for churches and ministries, locally in Birmingham and also globally.  This week we will be praying for the Alabama Baptist Children's Homes as a faith-family.  I urge anyone that reads this to take it upon yourself to join us in that this week.  I pray that Orphan Sunday is not just a Sunday that comes and goes each year.  For families who immerse themselves in the lives of orphans, this is a calling that they live out daily.  We, as God's church, should continually lift up them up in prayer and unite ourselves with them as the Body of Christ. 

We are serving the one true God and he is the Father to the fatherless.

Resources:
Mandi Mapes, This Love
The Church at Brook Hills Podcast from 9/5/09 Faith Loves (on adoption & foster care)
The Church at Brook Hills Podcast from 7/2/11 The Child Yet Unborn (David Platt's announcement of adoption from China)
Orphan Sunday Video by the Christian Alliance for Orphans
Alabama Baptist Children's Homes & Family Ministries website
The Church at Brook Hills Weekly Local Prayer Guide (this week for The Children's Homes)