“Jesus
wrecked my life, shattered it to pieces, and put it back together more
beautifully.”
{Katie Davis, Kisses from Katie}
Sitting at a red light while listening to an
audiobook, stuck in 5 o’clock traffic in Birmingham, Alabama, these words
pierced my heart. “She’s talking about me,” I thought to myself. I stared
straight ahead, and let the depth of these words continue to wash over me. I
picked up my iPod, found the place that marked about 30 seconds before these
words, and let the words sink in deeper and deeper. “That’s my story,” I said
aloud to the brake lights of the car in front of me.
My life was good…in fact it was really good. I’d
grown up in a Christ-centered home and attended church since I was born. I was
a “Christian,” at least in the sense that we say we’re Christians in America
based on the way we act and speak, or the way we don’t act or don’t speak. I
didn’t party, or drink, or do “really bad things” like a lot of the teenagers I
went to school with. Many times I felt like my behavior was motivated by my
faith…or at least by my parents’ faith. And let’s be honest, they’d be really
mad if I did any of the things that the “party crowd” did. Therefore, I was a
“Christian”.
I’m the type of person who always has things
together. In high school, I was class president, on the dance team, and editor
of the yearbook. I would pride myself on how many things I had going on at one
time, and how easily I juggled everything. When someone or something would hurt
me, I would cry out to God through song or an occasional prayer, but that was
usually after I’d tried to put things back together myself. God – although He
may not have been my last resort – He definitely wasn’t my first priority.
As a 19-year-old sophomore in college, I had
everything I wanted. I had a boyfriend who I thought I would marry. I attended
Samford University – my dream college. I was doing well in my classes and on my
way to a successful career as a journalist. On the surface, I had a close
relationship with my parents and two younger sisters. I was in a sorority and
was already serving as the public relations chair. I had good friends. I could
go shopping and out to eat when I wanted, for the most part at least. I had a
good car that my parents paid for. I church hopped with most indecisive of
students. I attended the college worship service most Wednesday nights. I had
Casting Crowns, MercyMe, and Hillsong on my iPod. I attended bible study
occasionally, but I could always put my two cents in when I was there. From the
outside looking in, my life was awesome.
It started slowly. God started taking some of the
things that I put some much comfort and pride in away from me. Bit by bit, I
started to see my life change. My boyfriend and I were trying to hold something
together that was breaking apart at the seams. I had to put more of my own
money into shopping trips and dinners out. I realized for the first time that
my dad’s job wasn’t as stable as I had always imagined it was. School got much,
much more difficult. I didn’t have as much time to go to church or bible study.
I missed home desperately. The secret sin in my life caused my relationship
with my family to suffer. I was short-tempered and sassy to the people I cared
about most. I felt like the weight of the world – or at least my world – was
resting on my shoulders.
In April of my sophomore year of college, my life
shattered. Within two weeks, everything that I put so much of my comfort in
flashed before my eyes. By May, most of it was gone. My life was wrecked – it
was in pieces.
In June, God started to put my life together
again, and it was beautiful.
I went home for the summer and realized that I
didn’t have any friends in my hometown. My mom urged me to go to a college
worship service that she’d heard about through some other moms of college
students. So I went. I didn’t know if I’d know anyone or if I’d like it, but I
drove myself the church, got out of my car, and walked in alone.
But I wasn’t alone for long.
I was greeted by the presence of the Lord. I
recognized and even knew a couple of people from high school, and that made me
feel more comfortable. But as the hour and a half unfolded, I experienced the
most real and sincere worship that I’d ever seen. The college group was called
“Downpour,” and immediately I understood why. The Maker of Heaven and Earth
literally poured down His Spirit on us.
Sow
for yourselves righteousness;
reap
steadfast love;
break
up your fallow ground,
for it is the time to seek the Lord,
that
he may come and rain righteousness upon you.
{Hosea 10:12}
I couldn’t wait to go back the next week. I craved
the community. I longed for the worship. I ached to feel His holiness.
When I arrived on June 9, 2009, the college leader
announced that things would be backwards from how they normally were. We were
going to do the message part of the evening first and worship second. She spoke
from James 5:16 -- “Therefore, confess your sins to one
another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a
righteous person has great power as it is working.” After she finished, she
said that the worship team was going to play and the rest of our time together
would be a time of confession. She urged us to confess our sins, our joys, and our
prayers to each other.
I vividly remember thinking that
I would never, in a million years, get in front of these people I hardly knew.
I refused to tell them how horrible of a person I was; how I put so much comfort
in my abilities, my looks, my stuff, and how in love with the world I was. It
wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t do it.
About 15 minutes later, I had a
microphone in one hand and a bunch of tissues in the other. I poured out my
heart to the Lord in front of all these people I didn’t really know. I felt the
weight lift from me as I said, “I want to live my life for God…”
Since that night, my life hasn’t
been easy. There was a lot of mess to be picked up, but I had a Savior to go
before me and prepare the way. My family and friends noticed an immediate
difference in my life – I wasn’t living for the world anymore. Although many
times I still struggle to put His will before my own, my life is beautiful now
because it has been intricately formed by the Creator of the universe.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve
learned that I’ll always be a mess; I’m a sinner. But God, in all of His mercy
and grace, has shown me what redemption looks like.
I have had the opportunity to share
my story with young women through youth groups I’ve volunteered with. I have
been given the blessing of sharing my testimony before my church as I was
baptized. I have been blessed to meet and marry the man that God created for
me, and together we live to share the testimony of God’s grace and love through
our marriage. Someday, we pray that we are able to illustrate adoption into
God’s family through adoption into our own family.
God has truly made my life
beautiful. In return for that wonderful gift, I strive to live each day to
bring glory to His name.
About a year ago, as I sat at that red light in
Birmingham listening to Kisses from Katie
on audiobook, I thanked God for what He has formed me into.
As I
drove away that evening, I prayed that He never cease to keep molding me to look more like His Son.
